Tertiary computers in Alabama discover model number of
mankind; baseless numbers used to decipher “language” of the universe.
Tuscaloosa – Jerry Semko and Marvin Bathwaiter have used tertiary computers to discover the universal model number of Homo sapiens sapiens. The identifyer, A16, has led Semko and Bathwaiter to conclude that there are a limited number of humanoid subspecies created by +1, which they believe to be the mitochondrial name of God, because of the relatively low value that they say is unusual for model numbers in the astronomical sphere.
Do Loop
“If we assume an alphanumeric system, A16 is way up there on
the list, it could very well represent the 16th copy of the
original. That is, there may be 16
Adams and 16 Eves or just one and that is the copy that was copied, including
the snapshot of the online owner’s manual that was lost during the positron event of 2800 BCE.
It is also possible that a Do Loop in
the human source code could be approaching infinity.” said Frances Mignon,
rather rambling.
Customer Service
“With the model number,” said Semko, “we can order new parts
and check on the extended warranty.
We could call customer service and directly ask, what exactly is A16’s
purpose? We may be introduced to new
and exciting special offers.”
However, skeptics point out that until the deep south
physicists can locate the toll-free number or web address, there is virtually
no way to get in touch with tech support except through the antiquated method of prayer. To complicate matters, it is not known for
certain which religion has divined the optimal prayer, although empirical evidence seems to indicate that certain Anasazi tribes of the American Southwest speak to customer service through prayer quite often with magnificent results. In fact, prayer beads found at
Chaco Canyon, New Mexico have been used to ward
off impending alien invasion on Earth and Mars more than 25 times since 1850
when records were first kept[i].
Adding to the confusion, most distinguished scientists and
philosophers point out that the alphabet may have a very different order in the
ionosphere. It may even have letters
and numbers that humans cannot conceive of.
These symbols remain unnamed as of early Friday according to Semko.
“They could start with U and end with Y, or any other
number; listen,” said Dr. Frank Ternbeck, key metaphysics laureate, Johns
Hopkins, “we just have no idea what we are talking about, and that goes for
anything.”
Pending Doom
Don’t laugh just yet.
Semko and Bathwaiter secretly intend to use the information to destroy a
99.5% confidence interval of human life on earth by Thursday. This was revealed after a press conference
in St. Petersburg, when Bathwaiter was asked about speculations that his team
was going to kill a significant portion of human life on earth.
“Yes,” replied Bathwaiter, seething, “that is exactly what
we intend to do.”
Baseless Numbers
In an unrelated story, the number zero has been expanded to
include dark numbers and in the process baseless numbers were born. A baseless number is only divisible by
itself and zero. It does not obey the
laws of imaginary numbers, but is charged to pretend rationality. Because of this, it is often mistaken by
mathematicians for a true number. When
pretenders are used in calculations, catastrophe is eminent.
As recently as Saturday, mathematicians in Cambridge
miscalculated the trajectory of an anti-matter beam that destroyed twelve solar systems
in the NGC 4414 galaxy, leaving several nearby
aliens distraught and crying foul.
Experts believe that the flaw in baseless numbers could be the random
cause of intergalactic war and major world revolutions. Ultimately, they say, further understanding
of baseless numbers could lead to an indefinite postponing of the end of times
and a possible return to the Elysian state.
Opposition
Evil-mongers worked hard Monday to outlaw the study of
baseless numbers, destroying drawing boards at Bob
Jones University and attending a rally staged by anarchist drug addicts
known as The Front, headed by Arthur Front, formerly of the Nazzzco Medical
Group.
“I say we need to push for more baseless numbers,” said
Front before an of audience of methed-up bikers, “and try not to learn about them, um, basically protect them and their
peculiar properties from quote unquote, um, society.”
Mechanism
Baseless numbers work by attaching to stems on the shell of
the arterial membrane, gathering electrons to them while discharging energy and
reverse gamma rays. Ignorant thoughts are
expressed in the form of simple AB testing models and decision
trees. The entire reaction is endothermic. A cloud forms and dust is all
that remains. Police say that they
usually have nothing to investigate in these cases.
“Yeah, there’s nothing there,” said Officer Phil Clark, “No
evidence but an intense feeling that something has gone terribly wrong. Frustrating? Its never easy.”
The Bleak Consequences
Terrorists are expected to use baseless numbers in address
boxes on forms to The Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) in the United
States to infiltrate security systems.
However, new scanners that are 65% effective will reduce mortality rates
by 7.6%, which an Illuminati spokesperson has said is a welcome improvement.
Perhaps more alarming, besides having concepts like numbers
evolving into the real world, is that numbers have a place everywhere. We count our money with them. The thing is, baseless numbers look just
like based numbers. What will we do if
we cannot be certain or not if one of the numbers on our driver’s license or
bank balance is going to destroy our home and family?
Socio-psychologist Tellya Galvan believes she has found
the answer to the problem of baseless numbers. Working for twelve straight hours Monday, she found that the
universe is speaking to us in based numbers and we reply in baseless numbers. If we could simply identify all of the words
spoken by the universe, then we could identify baseless numbers by comparing
each number to the Universal Thought Database (UTB), where all divine thoughts
are housed at a 29 million acre data farm on Saturn’s moon Titan. If a potential thought is not on the list,
it is disposed of in the nearest particle accelerator and bombarded with muons
until it implodes. The entire reaction is
exothermic. Using this filtration
method, scientists believe that baseless numbers could be eliminated by 2650.
The research team has discovered that the language of the
universe, which, from the perspective of clouds of ions and suns surrounded by
rocks, is only humming but not really articulating what it means. According to Galvan, it may be singing in a
more compelling way near and around black holes, which swallow up syllables
voraciously, but for now that is mere speculation.
What Are You Thinking?
Galvan and her super-intelligent computer have taken the total number of people and divided it
by the total number of thoughts, finding about 600 thoughts per person. Of those 600 thoughts, 90% of them are zero,
7.8% are baseless, and 2% are actually numerical, or represent a genuine
permutation of the UTB. Ghost thoughts
are said to represent only 0.2%, a number that could be inflated by
false-positives connected to a negative-reinforced feedback loop of the
supernatural.
At that rate, the end of the world would occur in the fall
of 12,940,340 AD. However, new research
has pushed that date back to as early as the spring of 12,940,339 AD amid the
discovery of the effects of so-called Sweeny Particles. Specio-tologists have said that curbing
baseless numbers would have little to no effect on that final outcome, no
matter what doubt there may be about Sweeney Particles.
Failing The Test
Sweeney Particles are a special case of baseless numbers
that can emit both a photon and an electrino.
However, Sweeney bosons are limited to 9 quarks per cone. Further, each cone is capable of producing
9x104 kilowatt-hours per second, being in 22 states at once. Because there are an infinite number of
cones, Sweeney Particles are said to produce infinite abundance and eternal
bliss for 75 cents a week.
“It is our most unforgivable error,” said Matt Breech at a
Bilderberg symposium in Utah, “we have surely failed the Turing test of the
2nd degree.”
Touching Closer
Sweeney particles and baseless numbers may also unlock the mysteries of the
entire universe in a ceremony next week in Denmark that will highlight a bigger
picture and higher ideal than ever thought possible. Expectations are high, strong emotion has been expressed from
both sides. The world is watching as
the players sleep tonight, desirous to find out what will happen at the next
juncture of fate. Does the sleeper know
where it is she goes? It is doubtful
but no less hopeful to follow the greener grassy knoll
on the other side of the Berlin Wall to
paraphrase Lenox Baumgartner of Sinclair-Lewis and Associates, key law firm of the
Council for National Policy.
The Bilderberg was not available for comment.
[i] Waites,
Forette, et al, “Scientific Miracles: A Compendium Detailing the Number of
Times Alien Attack has been Avoided Using Chaco Canyon Prayer Beads of the
America Anasazi tribe on Earth and Mars”, Simbian Research, Colombia: 2013.
Comments
Post a Comment
Now be honest.