Do you or someone you love suffer from Mom’s Beard?
25-40% of all young mothers experience some form of post-natal Mom’s Beard. However, do to stigma, most never report in for treatment. Then, the problem only worsens.
“I was embarrassed that someone would mistake me for a man,” said Diedre Northwinter of Alert, Nunavut in northernmost Canada, “I was afraid I would start earning more unless I did something fast. However, I heard that the treatment for Mom’s Beard causes worse Mom’s Beard**. It was one of the most difficult years of my life.”
You never want to have to say “I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN WOMBAT PILL,” after it is too late.
The tell-tale symptoms of Mom’s Beard go away on their own. However, super-follicles produced by Mom’s Beard can take as long as 6-months to a year to heal, and the results can leave a mustache. In that amount of time, your husband may develop irreversible homosexuality if cost-prohibitive steps are not taken.
These steps include completely covering yourself with a sheet (without eye holes) so your hubby is not wooed by the allure, like a mermaid, of Mom’s Beard. Also, you should make sure not to have a penis at any time as part of your own body, no matter how compelled you might be to get one attached. Researchers suggest that is the key to keeping a straight man straight.
“Remember,” said Dr. Tide Monica of St. Glenn, Illinois, “Mom’s Mustache is just as bad, if not worse, than Mom’s Beard. The mystique works both ways, so, remember, if it is an auburn beard, particularly, that indicates a propensity for residual goatees even after the initial outbreak of Mom’s Beard has run its course. In all cases, the key to a healthy prognosis is prevention. I think Wombat Pill, because it is specifically designed to treat Mom’s Beard, is just what the doctor ordered.”
The signs of Mom’s Beard vary, however, there are certain symptoms that seem to be universal:
1. Beard length in excess of 24 inches.
2. Screeching noise linked to super-follicle hair growth.
3. Itching cheeks and neck.
4. Strong odor.
Symptoms usually appear within 12 minutes after giving birth, and can present up to 9 weeks after, especially in the case of twin births.
“We see a spike in what we call late-breaking Mom’s Beard in cases where the mother gave birth to more than one baby from the same stomach,” said Dr. Monica.
Because there are no male pregnancies, thankfully no men can come down with Mom’s Beard. However, the effect on men may be just as bad or worse.
“Men by nature cannot catch the disease. However it is important to keep in mind that for every two women, in my book, that makes one man,” said Dr. Monica at a news conference in Brussels late August 2009, “20 million women suffering adds up to 10 million*** equivalent men suffering roughly twice as much.”
However, thanks to Wombat Pill, now you or your loved one do not have to suffer the humiliation of Mom’s Beard. Wombat Pill is a new formula designed by John Hopkins to stop Mom’s Beard before it starts: at the root. Wombat Pill sucks Mom’s Beard out like an abortion.
When taken daily for 9 months prior to giving birth, Wombat Pill is proven to prevent over 98% of cases. What that means is, Wombat Pill stops Mom’s Beard in its tracks. From your point-of-view that means Wombat Pill nips Mom’s Beard in the bud. In many cases, this means the average woman should take Wombat Pill all their lives to feel 100% protected from Mom’s Beard.
“I used to feel like the only way I could keep from suffering Mom’s Beard was to have an abortion,” said Irene Clostamoleti of High Gavel, Florida, “now, I can have sex with confidence and no more late term infanticides for this old lady.*”
Side effects of Wombat Pill include sleepy web-feet syndrome, barnacle blight, and chronic mange. Please inform your doctor if you have tired feet as those may be signs of being a duck. Ducks should not take Wombat Pill, including ducks that may be nursing chickens. If you are not sure if you are a duck or where those chickens hatched from, ask your doctor****.
“I knew I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN WOMBAT PILL, but it is too late for me,” said Diedre Northwinter under a sheet, “I guess I should have thought about that before I spread my legs. Oh well, at least I’ll take heart knowing no one else ever has to have their sex ruined thinking about Mom’s Beard. Thank you, Wombat Pill, for that.”
*endorsements are the testimony of paid actors read from a card of their choice drawn from a random hat.
** in rare cases, Wombat Pill can cause a significantly worse form of Mom’s Beard known as Face Forrest.
*** Dr. Monica pointed out later that her numbers were based on actual dollars, and admitted she had not allowed consideration for inflation in her calculations.
**** Get a second opinion if you find out your doctor is NOT a duck.
25-40% of all young mothers experience some form of post-natal Mom’s Beard. However, do to stigma, most never report in for treatment. Then, the problem only worsens.
“I was embarrassed that someone would mistake me for a man,” said Diedre Northwinter of Alert, Nunavut in northernmost Canada, “I was afraid I would start earning more unless I did something fast. However, I heard that the treatment for Mom’s Beard causes worse Mom’s Beard**. It was one of the most difficult years of my life.”
You never want to have to say “I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN WOMBAT PILL,” after it is too late.
These steps include completely covering yourself with a sheet (without eye holes) so your hubby is not wooed by the allure, like a mermaid, of Mom’s Beard. Also, you should make sure not to have a penis at any time as part of your own body, no matter how compelled you might be to get one attached. Researchers suggest that is the key to keeping a straight man straight.
“Remember,” said Dr. Tide Monica of St. Glenn, Illinois, “Mom’s Mustache is just as bad, if not worse, than Mom’s Beard. The mystique works both ways, so, remember, if it is an auburn beard, particularly, that indicates a propensity for residual goatees even after the initial outbreak of Mom’s Beard has run its course. In all cases, the key to a healthy prognosis is prevention. I think Wombat Pill, because it is specifically designed to treat Mom’s Beard, is just what the doctor ordered.”
The signs of Mom’s Beard vary, however, there are certain symptoms that seem to be universal:
1. Beard length in excess of 24 inches.
2. Screeching noise linked to super-follicle hair growth.
3. Itching cheeks and neck.
4. Strong odor.
Symptoms usually appear within 12 minutes after giving birth, and can present up to 9 weeks after, especially in the case of twin births.
“We see a spike in what we call late-breaking Mom’s Beard in cases where the mother gave birth to more than one baby from the same stomach,” said Dr. Monica.
Because there are no male pregnancies, thankfully no men can come down with Mom’s Beard. However, the effect on men may be just as bad or worse.
“Men by nature cannot catch the disease. However it is important to keep in mind that for every two women, in my book, that makes one man,” said Dr. Monica at a news conference in Brussels late August 2009, “20 million women suffering adds up to 10 million*** equivalent men suffering roughly twice as much.”
However, thanks to Wombat Pill, now you or your loved one do not have to suffer the humiliation of Mom’s Beard. Wombat Pill is a new formula designed by John Hopkins to stop Mom’s Beard before it starts: at the root. Wombat Pill sucks Mom’s Beard out like an abortion.
When taken daily for 9 months prior to giving birth, Wombat Pill is proven to prevent over 98% of cases. What that means is, Wombat Pill stops Mom’s Beard in its tracks. From your point-of-view that means Wombat Pill nips Mom’s Beard in the bud. In many cases, this means the average woman should take Wombat Pill all their lives to feel 100% protected from Mom’s Beard.
“I used to feel like the only way I could keep from suffering Mom’s Beard was to have an abortion,” said Irene Clostamoleti of High Gavel, Florida, “now, I can have sex with confidence and no more late term infanticides for this old lady.*”
Side effects of Wombat Pill include sleepy web-feet syndrome, barnacle blight, and chronic mange. Please inform your doctor if you have tired feet as those may be signs of being a duck. Ducks should not take Wombat Pill, including ducks that may be nursing chickens. If you are not sure if you are a duck or where those chickens hatched from, ask your doctor****.
“I knew I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN WOMBAT PILL, but it is too late for me,” said Diedre Northwinter under a sheet, “I guess I should have thought about that before I spread my legs. Oh well, at least I’ll take heart knowing no one else ever has to have their sex ruined thinking about Mom’s Beard. Thank you, Wombat Pill, for that.”
*endorsements are the testimony of paid actors read from a card of their choice drawn from a random hat.
** in rare cases, Wombat Pill can cause a significantly worse form of Mom’s Beard known as Face Forrest.
*** Dr. Monica pointed out later that her numbers were based on actual dollars, and admitted she had not allowed consideration for inflation in her calculations.
**** Get a second opinion if you find out your doctor is NOT a duck.
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