Space Alien Youth Bullied At An Alarming Rate, Study Says

 

3,000,000 alien egg siblings coming of age across globe; bullying of sea youth by insecure humans on the rise; Christians will take up arms and destroy society; Antichrist to be born in Smack Dab tonight; outlook: gloom.

Ocean babies

Blinsy Maalork along with 2,999,999 sibling eggs traveled to earth in a mother ship originating from Taibl, a level three hyperplanet believed to be in the reaches of the Arp 220 collision trail 77,000 parsecs from Earth.  To give you some perspective, when she began her trip, the earth was three weeks old - a flaming hairball of itself.

Half a billion years later, the space eggs fell randomly across Earth’s oceans during the Hadean eon, and quickly sank to the seafloor.  Known to the ancients for making whimsical garden ornaments, the orbs were considered fossils until about 12 years ago when scientists began to notice the alien eggs were turning up on beaches and hatching into apparently normal Earth babies that seemed to take care of themselves, dwelling in intricate sand castles.   

“I calls them ocean babies,” said Barbara Collins of the Blind Australian Beach Company, pointing to her ears, “I sees them in me eyeballs.” 

Because the children reflect brainwaves the same way visible objects reflect light, they are visible to the blind and in the dark.  However, the visitors are not visible this way to everyone.  Narcissists cannot see nor hear them at all.  

 

Peer-reviewed evidence



In a new federally funded study released by the Center For Alien Rights, bullying of the Taibilians has tripled in only the last week.  This is according to monitored newsfeeds, tweets, and google search strings.  Part of ongoing research, the data collected in the survey also noticed entertainer Miley Cyrus for the first time.

Miley Cyrus acting up at a recent geriatric convention in
Salt Lake City

Of the estimated 3 million star children now growing up across the globe, 17 of them call Smack Dab home.  I spoke with Miss Maalork at her 200-acre complex where the siblings share domicile 2 miles south of Main Street.  Hanging on the wall in the elaborate drawing room is a painting of their parents, what appear to be pythons walking upright, their tongues entwined on the path to their peaceful alien home on Taibl.

“We inherit the collective memories of our ancestors,” said Blinsy while sipping her tea, “our minds contain the history of a million suns.  Isn’t it interesting that our parents resemble snakes?  It actually is not interesting at all, but I mean to your mind, it must be, isn’t it?  I believe your folklore even has something to say about it.”

This is serious


Despite her cheerful spirit and rosy outlook, the fact is that bullying of the youth from Taibl is on the rise.  Their invisibility has caused most of the taunting.  For instance, last week in Mumbai, seven seventh graders were expelled from a local primary school for simultaneously un-friending all of the aliens, before posting vicious, grammatically incorrect remarks like, "Your ugly, I'm so glad I can't c u," and “you’re father was a garter snake”.



Hick City, Arkansas

Things are no better in Hick City, where countless beach children have taken over city government and are instituting mandatory curfews for the elderly.  They have closed the grain silo and made a general fuss about barbeques, citing issues related to obesity.  This has made them a prime target for bullying, where locals are ironically calling them “perfect” children, going so far as to surround the word ‘perfect’ with air quotes.

Trail of Tears

DNA tests of the youths have shown that they are all siblings of the same reptilian parents.  There is also evidence that the visitors possess the SHPSHFT or shape-shift gene, found only in rare alien species.  Although the children do not seem to have expressed this gene yet, it is believed that when they do all hell will break loose.

Maloney B. Sheffield of Christians Against Mostly Everything (CAME) has stated that the children were foretold in most good apocalyptic tales, and further stated that the end of times stories that do not mention the egg children are often considered lackluster, without vision, and variously derivative.  Her advice is to put the precocious aliens on the next ship back to Taibl before someone is seriously hurt.  Sheffield's ideas for how to do that are implausable, not to mention violently unsustainable. 

photo of an alien baby taken with an electron camera

“The sweet spot for life on earth seems to have just gone sour,” said Blas Mentospere at a recent CAME rally held in the outskirts of Boise, Idaho in response to allegations that he had embezzled money from small town Arkansas coffers. 

Southern hospitality 

The children, meanwhile, create good prophecy.  Blinsy’s brother Glandeer related to me that he foresaw the events of that very evening: at 4 PM, on my southern front porch, while I had my sweet iced-tea, I was bound to sit on and break my glasses.  He said I was going to mislay them on a chair, and, being distracted by a deliveryman in brown cloth, forget where I sat them.  Then I would sit right on the spectacles, dropping f-bombs like a scurvy sailor.

In order to prevent the circumstances he described, Glandeer advised me to hide in a closet until after nine that evening.  Initially, I followed his advice but after much deliberation I became worried about the domino effect caused by fooling around with the natural order of events.  I had heard of alternative worlds and story arcs that had been wrecked, with duplicates created, and multiverses where punishment was forever and infinite.  This is not to mention the overall pledge I made to never affect the outcome of a war.  Resigned to satisfy fate at the appointed time, I sat on my own glasses and broke them.   

What the what???!

“Son of an f-ing bitch,” I said in an upstart, rising.

The UPS courier, ignoring my comment, held up a science fiction device.  This was a pen with magic ink that I used to sign, adding my signature proof that I existed.  He looked cross as he handed me the parcel, and scuttled off in his fancy shorts onto his truck with no door. 

I am afraid to open the package-sized box that is addressed to me - proof that I live at a particular place.  These are all more puzzle pieces to be mined into a megadata center.  But who can connect them all in all the right places?  Certainly not Noman Hedgefont, my estranged great-grandson, who sent the box of ten pounds and seven ounces from New York.  How ashamed I am that my southern descendant has been driven from his family lands to that harpy town.

Paradise lost

 

Blinsy Maalork, meanwhile, told of an even more disastrous outcome.  In her vision of the future, the Christians would suddenly take up arms and murder millions of people, instituting death squads and sending the world back into darkness for 24,000 years.  She said they would be led by a charismatic leader who would have supernatural powers, and thus fool the masses into believing that he was God.  Having effectively enslaved the races, he would destroy the church and replace it with his own image.  At this, she laughed.

“It is so ironic,” she said, beaming, “you must admit, after all of that, just looking at your world from, you know, sort of a big picture, from the first pond scum to this silly ape, to now, a broad stroke, it is very ironic that it would end that way, is it not?  You know, Granny, I have been across the universe, there is not a place I have not been, not a soul I have not met; my mind reaches to every firing neuron.  But listen, I tell you this story is the most interesting of all!  You must be proud.”  I was not.

Say it ain’t so

That is about the time that the alien child spoke the words that sent chills down my spine, chills that are still active every time I replay the memory of that afternoon.

“This leader,” said Blinsy, “you must understand, Granny, is to be born in Smack Dab this very evening.” 

Duh duh… duhhhhhh

And the nightmares haunt me.  She said there was nothing she or I could do, that the fates had merely decided to play that song instead of another, for some reason, for whatever reason, and there would be no appeals.  I need to have my eyeglasses prescription filled before that awful awakening.

Carpetbag, or, the creationist ride

Smack Dab school officials have declined comment but a former aid to Superintendent Buford Horntap has stated that she has not seen anyone from the school board in "quite some time" and she believes that they “just up and left” with the town’s money three years ago after mandating that teachers treat the theory of evolution dismissively or at the very least mockingly. 

“I heard them filling bags with coins,” said a local transient, ripe with the smell of street rubbish, “on that night they left.  You see, I was listenin’.  They don’t know but I always listen, and I hear them; they make a horrendous noise.  I heard the baby cry before it was born, and it sounded anxious.  That felt anxious, and was beaming like a jet engine in the alleyways that crisscross Smack Dab like spider-webs and expanded that vision of the dark one at the end of the row, wrapping a white moth flag like a mummy.  It was the foreboding of a nightingale on the eve of extinction, no place for the blind of spirit.” 

At the bottom of the jar, yet hope eludes

 

“I believe there is something we are supposed to do,” said Miss Maalork, laughing, “that will stop this misery but I just don’t know what it is yet.  Odd, I always usually know what I’m to do.  It is ironic to consider that I am probably the most magnificent creature that has ever lived in the universe, yet I cannot see simple things like the fate of all humankind.  This sort of study was textbook on Taibl.  Yet, here it is as if a cloud is settling in over the fabric-spirit of the galaxy just as my siblings and I are coming of age.  Makes you think of apocalypse and that sort of thing, gnashing and gaping end times.  It does no good to worry about it.  I’m sure we will think of something.”

Afterward

Upon opening the package that my derelict great-grandson sent, I was shocked to find a McGuffin device used to misappropriate electronic funds from anywhere undetected.  He was facing charges on a time-travel violation and, in a note, asked me to keep it safe until after his trial.  Family traits run deep, I thought.  It was then that I noticed another item in the box and I nearly fainted - a pair of glasses identical to the ones I had sat on that very evening.