Our Privacy Policy

While we consider our privacy to be a very serious matter, we do not feel the same way about your privacy.  While we expect you to be the subject of intense scrutiny as to the details of your vast and complicated data footprint, we have no problem keeping you fully ignorant as to the nature of our enterprise. 

"Can you keep secret?... No?.......Why No?"

This webspace will store and keep the following categories of personal data automatically:

1.               Your IP address and geo-location at all times, past, present, and future, including any times that may have occurred prior to the advent of the personal computer or after The Unfortunate Events of 2650.  Because you are reading this, said information has already been collected and your consent has already been confirmed electronically via our remote data servers.

2.               Your astrological thumbprint, including exact time, date, and geo-location of conception and birth, location of every planet, planetoid, and comet, including moons of said planets, planetoids, and comets; original birth parents, illegitimate children, complicated relationships, and unrealistic goals that you may hold or may consider holding.  This will necessarily include infeasible goals that may not be related to your astrological status but may be caused by the environment in which your mind developed. 

3.               Your height, weight, and virility data, including information about sexual proclivities that you may have or may consider having in the future, including those you may have only thought about but have not yet attempted.  Those cases in particular will be magnified and studied profusely, and the true reason for your fear will be documented in all cases, along with the false reasons that you created to hide the fact.  Actors may be hired to laugh at you at an intimate family gathering or in public. 

4.                A structured list of the molecules that compose your body, including alien material and/or monitoring implants that may or may not have been placed there by alien scientists in the conducting of a sanctioned or non-sanctioned experiment.

5.                 A complete list of your mannerisms, including figures of speech, finger gestures, facial expressions, salutations, and general demeanor as it pertains to your overall posture in relation to the free expression of ideas inside or outside a society that actually protects or at least pretends to allow said freedom.

6.                 A comprehensive list of your enemies, whether public or private.  This list will include any alien parties that may have abducted and/or used you as a test subject. 

7.                A list of misconceptions, biases, and prejudices that you hold, whether they be religious, philosophical, pseudo-scientific, superstitious, myopic worldviews fashioned from ignorance or a general lack of education, information gathered from an alleged non-profit organization via a pamphlet, mailer, and/or push poll that includes a request for donation; information obtained from a sniveling idiot neighbor, or from a random war veteran in a waiting room, affected by a psychotropic or lack of a psychotropic, who tells the story of an eminent catastrophe, that you may, being in a vulnerably receptive mode, internalize.   

8.                 The long list of individuals that you, in the course of your life or lives, have wronged in any way, whether you were sober, under the influence of mind-altering substances, or in connection with any other altered state of reality, including, but not limited to, fugues, schizophrenic episodes, mass hysteria, rioting, war crimes, little league, or any altercation involving certified drones of the state.  This may or may not include addresses and geo-location data about any individual in the list; or any individual who is a relative, friend, acquaintance, peer, coworker, or little league teammate of any individual in the list.

9.                 An organic, free-living, self-sustaining data sea containing all the grievances, real or imagined, that you have ever considered in the course of your life or, if reincarnated, your lives.  This would include grievances that you only dreamed of in nightmares.  The details of this list may supercede the singularity, and any residual damage inflicted by the living system that stores your grievance footprint, if it reaches said singularity, will be the sole responsibility of you, your agent, and your very soul.

10.             An archival list of possible means that could be utilized to end your physical existence permanently, including ways to destroy your very soul or to prevent it from re-entering the realm of the living.  This list may be ordered in descending fashion by effective cost of each method as measured in Constant Rothschild Monetary Exchange Units.

11.             A databank containing every possible way you could have done better with the situation you were given, but either failed in the attempt or failed to act in such a way as to be considered negligence by omission.  This information may or may not be used against you, including to ruin your reputation or good name, if you are considered a decent person; or, to ruin your day-to-day life, if you are already of dubious reputation and actively seeking a second chance. 

12.             A complete list of hairstyles that you have worn or have considered wearing, including information about when and where you had your hair done and by which hairstylist and by whom you were referred.  Such information may or may not be used to create a data lake that may be able to predict every future action you will ever take, given new technologies that recognize the full significance of hairstyle choice and influence as it relates to criminology and sociology in addition to the insight it affords the outlook for society and organizations in the position to store and analyze personal hair data.  Any hats you have worn may also be recorded, as to style and color. 

13.             Lines of credit may be opened in your name.  If they are, you will bare full responsibility for any charges made to those accounts.  You are strictly forbidden from reporting anything out of the ordinary to authorities or any banking agency.

14.             We are required by law to inform you that nanotechnology may be used to create one or more genetically identical clones (of your most current bio-map) that may or may not be water-boarded on a continuing basis, but only for the purposes of gathering information that you may be hiding from yourself.  If any said clone escapes custody, and commits any atrocity against society or mankind, because he or she becomes aware that he or she is the subject of an experiment and becomes despondent, all damages committed shall be the sole responsibility of you, your agent, and/or your very soul.  Punishment is likely to be swift and severe, and may include water-boarding.

"Please to come in my bedroom!"

15.          Your resting facial expression may be analyzed to determine the relative value of your flesh.  If it is determined that your flesh is worth significant value in the flesh equity market, your clones may be mass produced and sold in the open galactic flesh markets or used in whatever way, shape, or form as is deemed necessary by the administrators of this blog, its associates, or its trustees, including extremists that may or may not, at some future time, come to possess this blog, its affiliates, its ghost writers, and/or its angel investors.

16.          Entire worlds may be populated with a number of your clones, not to exceed ten billion clones per world.  Such worlds may reveal detailed insights into your current and previous lives.  You may therefore experience dreams in which everyone is you and you are everyone until you do not or cannot rationally understand the difference or boundary between you and what is outside of you.  This may lead to the effective death of the ego. 

17.          Alternate worlds may contain universes that contain other universes where every living soul is you.  Please be aware that this may have an effect on your internet connection.  If the problem persists, contact your internet service provider and explain that there are too many universes that are completely filled with your clones, and that some of the universes actually contain other universes, so that it creates the multiverse domino effect that effectively stops internet traffic for the person whose clones are living in that configuration of space-time due to the immutable and often misunderstood laws of quantum entanglement processes.

18.         A verbose transcript of every conversation you have ever had, including conversations you may have had in your mind, in dreams, in other lives or universes, not limited to your own person but any person you may or may not have been, including any persona(s) you may have inherited from alien body snatchers, but also from robotic or clone hordes that may or may not have attempted, or will attempt at a later date, a complete takeover of the human race on earth and elsewhere, at any time.

19.             A minimum of five hundred (500) hours of nasal and ocular retina footage that may take place at any time during the day or night, in any foreign land, and on any starship, whether the ship is designed for crop circles or experimentation, and whether it evolved from a mothership or was ever itself any form of life, including robotic, aquatic alien, reptilian, or ethereal.  However, if it is a life form, and it is carrying offspring in its womb, pouch, or tethered egg compartment, recording of data will be strictly limited to the third trimester and beyond, and at no time shall probes be used to determine the gender of the embryonic ship unless the outcome of the gender may affect the history of more than five (5) solar systems (the most unlikely outcome, affecting only 1 in 10 pre-born ships galaxy-wide).  However, we do reserve the implicit right to begin immediate probing once the birth cables are severed to gather any real or imagined data that we may or may not consider of value to us or any of our affiliate companies.

20.           You waive any right that you may have under any governing body, past, present, and future.  This includes all human rights to wit: the freedoms of speech, religion, guns, assembly, election of government officials, search, seizure, fair trial, jury of peers, rank, file, property, liberty, happiness, medicine, and ballpark. 

21.          If you are retroactively determined to have committed an at present unknown crime that is considered to have been enacted on a given future date, openly or in secret, you may or may not face charges that may include a summary execution statement to be issued by a reptilian agent from the state office of Arkansas.  Such statement is to be considered of full force and effect until and before said time as such to be determined by the official assigned as assailant, alleged victim, witness, poster child, complainant, arresting officer, photographer, booking officer, jail guard, warden, chief of police, prosecutor, defense attorney, judge, jury, court reporter, bailiff, trial audience, last meal chef, attending theologian, governor, the condemned, technician, records clerk, cleaning crew, executioner, coroner, passerby, unknown observer, undertaker, gravedigger, memorial engraver, eulogist, funeral director, and media specialist.

A universe within a universe

22.   You agree to give the illuminati, the Bilderberg, the Rothschild family, The Zionist Union, and all known and secretive remnants of the Knights Templar, along with other affiliates of the International Siblinghood of the Freemason State complete and total access to your living space, including, but not limited to, shower cams, random surprise bed inspections, simulated earthquakes, and mandatory morning exercise.  You also give the Bilderberg unfettered power of attorney over any and all trees and shrubs that may or may not be located on property that you own, rent, or possess adversely.

23.         You agree to nullify citizenship to your native country(s) and transfer said citizenship(s) to a country or faction to be named at a later date.  You may be required to serve in a military capacity in said country or faction. 

24.         You agree to give up any social status that you may have acquired in your lifetime.  This includes any title of any kind ever ad infinitum, including Mister, Miss, or Doctor.  At no time will you be allowed to place any extraneous letters after your given birth name.

25.      A list of all assets, both public and private, that you or anyone in your immediate family may possess or dream of possessing.  Once this list is compiled, and is verified to be accurate, you will then have twenty-four (24) hours to remit, quitclaim, and otherwise remand every item on the list to the ownership of the administrator of this blog.  Failure to comply with article twenty four (24) will result in a summary execution statement to be issued by a reptilian delegate of the Arkansas state office, or a country or faction to be named at a later date.

26.           A new nametag will be sent to you via email.  Once it is sent, you have 30 days to legally change your name to the name given.  On the petition, in the box marked “reason for change”, refer to the following space url: glyptodot9/\/\blagstamp/\alpha/\ministry,begstamp,fsf?bilderberg.  In doing so, you may win a prize (chances of winning 1:¥).  Your name will be officially changed immediately according to the office of the state of Arkansas, its affiliates, its hangers-on, its grabby-handers, and its unbridled leech-fiends.

27.         Trucks will arrive to relocate you, your neighbors, and their neighbors within six (6) days from the time that you completed reading this document.  If a truck does not show up, it could be because we have decided to terminate your neighborhood.  If so, a team of drones will be deployed to your community within twelve (12) hours.  Otherwise, please disregard this entire notice.  

A typical 8-track cassette collection from 1975, as seen through the eyes of an aquatic alien
(special thanks to Gsjhss Jshdssd).

The purpose of this notice is to collect a debt.  Any information gathered in the process of delivering this message will be kept on file in the administrative databank aforementioned.  We are required by law to notify you that these banks may fall into the hands of extremists, terrorists, or cult leaders at some future date.  If you feel this notice was given in error, or that there is some irony that you may or may not have missed, it is important to point out that such feelings are not vindicated, nor will they be, by this administration, any official operating out of the Arkansas state office, its affiliates, its conglomerates, its sister cities, or its shadow colonies that may be located in a country or faction to be named at a later date.  This includes any clones that may have been created by mistake, forgotten, and lost.