Trolls are Pathetic

Trolls are just lame.

In ancient times, Trolls were the guardians of bridges. They had foresight enough to use the structure itself as a shelter, as opposed to erecting a separate shack nearby. From a community perspective, a guardhouse is overkill when you have a Troll family living underneath the span.

Back then Trolls were, while not respectable, notably not pathetic. At least you knew where they were coming from. Though oafish wielders of blunt objects, careless wretches in the night, lost dreamers who lived the frontier fringe, they served a useful purpose. In their defense, they only ate the weakest who could not answer their riddles. Even biblical Samson, not a Troll, was prone to that behavior.

Fast forward to today. Click pause. Look. Trolls have turned pathetic. With the obsolescence of bridges, they have been driven from their underpasses. They are now spending all their time online. Trolls read everything that is posted, and they comment in their strange tongue, liking what is abominable, hating innocence. They are the most prolific critics of every human endeavor.

Oh, the invincible facts! How stern they arrive and how quickly they devolve to the pathetic rituals of weakness in propping up their froward position – the appeal to emotion. Come on, man.

A brief analysis of Troll culture and grammar

Trolls are constantly at odds with exemplary scholarship and at the same time (perhaps counter-intuitively) common sense. These detached curmudgeons do more damage than Nazi Germany and ISIL combined. In fact, they are the SS and the masked jihadi plus other juntas. The Venn diagram is essentially concentric circles emanating from fundamental chaos, a master Troll, lying in a bed surrounded by 1960's telephones. Ring. Ring. Ring.

To a Troll, the truth is whatever idea does the most damage, or which digs its nasty claws towards the most destructive outcome. Even mildly annoyed Trolls can behave like hellcats. Their history has raised them to be nothing if not out of control.

I have personally read their often poorly crafted little sentences, their tireless devotion to the misspellings of the air, they're, their, and there. To too (two common words). Effect instead of affect, counsel instead of council, conscience instead of conscious, and the classic punch of abbreviated expletives in the place of original thought. I feel sympathy for them. I worry about them. Yet, I am just not capable of formulating a solution to our Troll problem.

A call to action

Trollery is a cultural crisis on a planetary scale. It is ripping traditional fabrics into razor shards. It is crowding the surface with rancid flotsam and the crude, oily bubbles of anarchy. It is, indeed, beyond all shadows of a doubt, pathetic.

How pathetic! Are we to concede to these beasts of isolation? Will we be swept into their psychological war, constantly finding enemies in friends and friends in enemies? I am taking a courageous stand. I cannot, as a renowned intellectual, idle by and allow such base elements to trickle into the already rickety world pantheon.

This condition is not feasible. It is not sustainable. It is pathetic.

From henceforth, I will be defending those who spare the shovel against those who set out instead to unearth a shady pearl only to find that, when the labor is done, they've rendered a hundred tons of filthy mud and the ominous gem is smithereens. These are the selfsame clods that are to be flung from the monkey's paw to the immaculate pearls overflowing from the hearts of the citizens dwelling passionately, honorably, and patriotically in The Land of the Free.

Lest we forget

Before the 22nd Century, remember, The American Will had not realized its true manifest destiny. There were those who believed that real freedom and liberty were not something for the people, not yet, and not fully. However, a hunderd billion human beings were extinguished in the space battle for that particular revolution.

Miracle. Redemption. For it was then that true freedom spread through all corners of the globe, economic blocks were violated, military industrial complexes were bombed (the last bombs were used to bomb the last bomb factory), tyranny was expunged wholesale back to sources. One world order. One government, one currency, one religion. The Holy Trinity, the eternal pax seculum.

Final message

To the Troll, those heroes of egalitarian principles perished in vain, their lives were meaningless, they were not martyrs, and the idol wonders built in their honor are an effrontery to Almighty God.

This is a message to all Trolls, the internet over: you are pathetic. You have an opinion that is different than someone else. You think for yourself. You are high on critical thinking and low on the global spirit. You value the truth much more than you really should. Trolls! You will bear the cross for all complaints in wondering why society is disfigured, misguided, and constantly turning to the nightmares of a vanquished Hell.