"Greetings be to you, Thelma dear," said Uncle Elmer, having just arrived, persuaded by others in the family as Aunt Thelma was crying viciously, moaning, stumbling around aimlessly in her apartment, and muttering nonsense to the point that neighbors were offended.
"Oh Elmer, my brother!" exclaimed Aunt Thelma, "Oh! Lord help us all, Amen praise be, the glory be tomorrow, I am so sad right now. Lamentations to the Lord! I have just heard the most awful news of my life. Oh, why, oh why, oh why, oh why why why? Tell me why, that's all."
"There, there," said Uncle Elmer, with a soft eye and warm shoulder rub, "I'm so sorry to hear that, Thelma, daughter of my mother and father, you poor dear. We live in a time of strife. You know the Lord tests the elect and puts obstacles in the way of the remnant. You gotta be strong. It's all it is. You know I be there to help you anytime, Miss Thelma you my best sister. You gotta build a foundation in the Lord, and the spirit, and the power. He got you. Amen?"
"Amen!" screamed Thelma, nearly collapsing, causing Elmer and his brown suit to jump in fear, "Elmer, for once I'm glad you showed up here unannounced. I have the worst news in the world. But, I gotta tell you. I just gotta tell you. It affects all of us. I am so upset, I have hardly been outta bed all day."
"With all do respect, Thelma," said Elmer earnestly, grappling his hands nervously, "you hardly get out of bed unless it's the cops here. No offense. Plus, if you in bed, how come your neighbors complaining? It's okay to be upset, but don't cloud your judgment with this thing, now, you dig? You gotta put your trust in the Lord, let him take the wheel, to the salvation in the elevation of the nation. Excitations! Good God I'm saved! You gotsta be proud!"
"My soul is proud but my heart is withered," said Thelma before flopping on the sofa, collapsing into a ball, "this is the saddest day, ever."
Thelma's expression was like a bowl of ice cream turned on its side as her eyes and lips melted down her oval face and tears and sweat rolled across her cheek. Her chin resembled a stressed muffin top nine-tenths of the way to bursting open.
"That's the spirit of zygote baby Jesus in the womb," said Elmer, reciting from a sermon he had recently written in a motivational diary hidden in his sock drawer, "aching for justice. He's a fetus who's dying to meet us. That is the innocent lamb just born, stumbling to his feast of deliverance. He's walking on sunshine. He's building his Kingdom in your bosom right now and you just can't control the fire. But it burns in the holy flame. You're gonna rock on to electric avenue. That's my sister's heart. Ain't it my sister's heart? Oh Lordy, there go my sister's glory right there! The Lord is righteous, Amen! When you walk in the Lord, you walk the path of the saints. You see the light that shine forever. You stand in the footsteps of hallelujah, up jumped Elijah and out come Jonah. Rejoicing the victory. The promise is we shall rise and be born again of the spirit and the body of Christ Almighty. You gotta rejoice. You gotta sing your heart! Your true colors are beautiful, like a rainbow. You gotta be amazed and be joyful, not play the fool acting wiser. You can't hide your word under a bushel, like some kinda, huh, some kinda lyrical miser! He never give you more than you can handle! Rest in the arms of Almighty God, Amen?"
"Amen but today the Lord done broke my back," Thelma replied abruptly, before diving into a bout of silent writhing along the carpet floor. Elmer felt the awkward urge to excuse himself and send her a casual text to console her in the morning. Had he not proceeded carefully, Thelma might have turned violent and something in the vicinity would be smashed. People would be held accountable at a later date if Thelma felt slighted.
“Ain't no weight too heavy that the Lord can't carry" said Elmer, patting her on the back, "just let it out. I came to help. Wanda called the church and asked me to come see you, she said you gone crazy. I said you already crazy before that. Can I hold Momma's Tiffany lamp? I just want to hold onto it, it comforts me. How much did the Antique Roadshow say it go for at auction? Not to change the subject, but, I may have to leave in a bit, I got a thing with my neighbor."
"Who? Your neighbor? Bullshit, you staying here. Plant your ass down and listen. You know how blacks and Latinos banned together and killed nearly all the white folks over a two week period that time?" Thelma asked in a dismissive manner, while returning to a sane posture, dusting off a few nests of cat hair from her sweater, allowing no space for an answer, continuing, "you remember how we took over and cleansed whitey and deposited him in mass graves throughout the world? An interesting time in our history... well, well... Today, this morning, at 10AM, in Farmington, I got word from a correspondent they done executed the last white man of all. There ain't no more white man on earth. They all dead and buried. Not one left. Not even one, anywhere. They done looked everywhere on social media. So I.."
"You know,” interrupted a suddenly animated Elmer, clapping his hands in delight, “I vaguely remember the story of the revolution around the same time they let me out of jail early. Then I noticed white folks dwindling, then the battle against the insurgents... Hold on. You saying they got Billy? I was wondering when they was gonna get Billy, nicknamed William 'The Holdout White'. A big news story finally reaching a climax. The white hope is dead. What happened, he get shot? Do they know if he might have impregnated anyone before he passed? We gotta abort that little motherfucker if he did before he get born, grow up, and spread that shit again. The white Bible even agree white man is a cursed abomination, somewhere in there I heard."
Thelma's emotion changed and a chill gradually walked up Elmer's spine as he realized he had just disregarded his sister Thelma's feelings, having lost himself in a convoluted story. Her tantrums were well documented by the authorities. Elmer braced for the worst, holding the colorful lamp shade as a shield to his face, whispering Hail Mary.
"What you doing here? I don't believe you," Thelma snapped, "you are so caught up in the gore of the white cleansing you done forgot that I'm a human being with feelings. I'm gonna smash that lamp across your skull. Come here, give it to me... I want you to leave my sight. The Lord messed up when he made you. Why you gotta drop in all the time without having the decency to call ahead? Who you think you is? Waking me in the afternoon, banging on my door... Nigger! I rest in the afternoons, preacher man, you fucking up my day. I work for the papers! I miss a deadline, I'm dead, you hear what I am saying to you right now?"
"The Lord don't make mistakes, Thelma," said Elmer, dodging punches and being ready to move quickly in case Thelma fired any items his way, calculating steps to the door, "I take issue, alright. I take issue. But. But. Look look look look look look look. Thelma, hold on now, please, please, I am so, so, so, sorry. Thelma. My blood! My own sister, we have the same parents, the same grandparents, remember them cousins? What's their names? You remember their names... Arthur and Bea. You mean everything to me. God begged for a world without whitey. The prophecy has come to pass. Tell your brother, why on earth are you sad?"
"Because now we can't get revenge!" Thelma screamed violently, before flipping an end table and walking as a ghost to her bed as Elmer stared in shocked epiphany, paralyzed in fright, hugging the lamp for comfort.
"Oh Elmer, my brother!" exclaimed Aunt Thelma, "Oh! Lord help us all, Amen praise be, the glory be tomorrow, I am so sad right now. Lamentations to the Lord! I have just heard the most awful news of my life. Oh, why, oh why, oh why, oh why why why? Tell me why, that's all."
"There, there," said Uncle Elmer, with a soft eye and warm shoulder rub, "I'm so sorry to hear that, Thelma, daughter of my mother and father, you poor dear. We live in a time of strife. You know the Lord tests the elect and puts obstacles in the way of the remnant. You gotta be strong. It's all it is. You know I be there to help you anytime, Miss Thelma you my best sister. You gotta build a foundation in the Lord, and the spirit, and the power. He got you. Amen?"
"Amen!" screamed Thelma, nearly collapsing, causing Elmer and his brown suit to jump in fear, "Elmer, for once I'm glad you showed up here unannounced. I have the worst news in the world. But, I gotta tell you. I just gotta tell you. It affects all of us. I am so upset, I have hardly been outta bed all day."
"With all do respect, Thelma," said Elmer earnestly, grappling his hands nervously, "you hardly get out of bed unless it's the cops here. No offense. Plus, if you in bed, how come your neighbors complaining? It's okay to be upset, but don't cloud your judgment with this thing, now, you dig? You gotta put your trust in the Lord, let him take the wheel, to the salvation in the elevation of the nation. Excitations! Good God I'm saved! You gotsta be proud!"
"My soul is proud but my heart is withered," said Thelma before flopping on the sofa, collapsing into a ball, "this is the saddest day, ever."
Thelma's expression was like a bowl of ice cream turned on its side as her eyes and lips melted down her oval face and tears and sweat rolled across her cheek. Her chin resembled a stressed muffin top nine-tenths of the way to bursting open.
"That's the spirit of zygote baby Jesus in the womb," said Elmer, reciting from a sermon he had recently written in a motivational diary hidden in his sock drawer, "aching for justice. He's a fetus who's dying to meet us. That is the innocent lamb just born, stumbling to his feast of deliverance. He's walking on sunshine. He's building his Kingdom in your bosom right now and you just can't control the fire. But it burns in the holy flame. You're gonna rock on to electric avenue. That's my sister's heart. Ain't it my sister's heart? Oh Lordy, there go my sister's glory right there! The Lord is righteous, Amen! When you walk in the Lord, you walk the path of the saints. You see the light that shine forever. You stand in the footsteps of hallelujah, up jumped Elijah and out come Jonah. Rejoicing the victory. The promise is we shall rise and be born again of the spirit and the body of Christ Almighty. You gotta rejoice. You gotta sing your heart! Your true colors are beautiful, like a rainbow. You gotta be amazed and be joyful, not play the fool acting wiser. You can't hide your word under a bushel, like some kinda, huh, some kinda lyrical miser! He never give you more than you can handle! Rest in the arms of Almighty God, Amen?"
"Amen but today the Lord done broke my back," Thelma replied abruptly, before diving into a bout of silent writhing along the carpet floor. Elmer felt the awkward urge to excuse himself and send her a casual text to console her in the morning. Had he not proceeded carefully, Thelma might have turned violent and something in the vicinity would be smashed. People would be held accountable at a later date if Thelma felt slighted.
“Ain't no weight too heavy that the Lord can't carry" said Elmer, patting her on the back, "just let it out. I came to help. Wanda called the church and asked me to come see you, she said you gone crazy. I said you already crazy before that. Can I hold Momma's Tiffany lamp? I just want to hold onto it, it comforts me. How much did the Antique Roadshow say it go for at auction? Not to change the subject, but, I may have to leave in a bit, I got a thing with my neighbor."
"Who? Your neighbor? Bullshit, you staying here. Plant your ass down and listen. You know how blacks and Latinos banned together and killed nearly all the white folks over a two week period that time?" Thelma asked in a dismissive manner, while returning to a sane posture, dusting off a few nests of cat hair from her sweater, allowing no space for an answer, continuing, "you remember how we took over and cleansed whitey and deposited him in mass graves throughout the world? An interesting time in our history... well, well... Today, this morning, at 10AM, in Farmington, I got word from a correspondent they done executed the last white man of all. There ain't no more white man on earth. They all dead and buried. Not one left. Not even one, anywhere. They done looked everywhere on social media. So I.."
"You know,” interrupted a suddenly animated Elmer, clapping his hands in delight, “I vaguely remember the story of the revolution around the same time they let me out of jail early. Then I noticed white folks dwindling, then the battle against the insurgents... Hold on. You saying they got Billy? I was wondering when they was gonna get Billy, nicknamed William 'The Holdout White'. A big news story finally reaching a climax. The white hope is dead. What happened, he get shot? Do they know if he might have impregnated anyone before he passed? We gotta abort that little motherfucker if he did before he get born, grow up, and spread that shit again. The white Bible even agree white man is a cursed abomination, somewhere in there I heard."
Thelma's emotion changed and a chill gradually walked up Elmer's spine as he realized he had just disregarded his sister Thelma's feelings, having lost himself in a convoluted story. Her tantrums were well documented by the authorities. Elmer braced for the worst, holding the colorful lamp shade as a shield to his face, whispering Hail Mary.
"What you doing here? I don't believe you," Thelma snapped, "you are so caught up in the gore of the white cleansing you done forgot that I'm a human being with feelings. I'm gonna smash that lamp across your skull. Come here, give it to me... I want you to leave my sight. The Lord messed up when he made you. Why you gotta drop in all the time without having the decency to call ahead? Who you think you is? Waking me in the afternoon, banging on my door... Nigger! I rest in the afternoons, preacher man, you fucking up my day. I work for the papers! I miss a deadline, I'm dead, you hear what I am saying to you right now?"
"The Lord don't make mistakes, Thelma," said Elmer, dodging punches and being ready to move quickly in case Thelma fired any items his way, calculating steps to the door, "I take issue, alright. I take issue. But. But. Look look look look look look look. Thelma, hold on now, please, please, I am so, so, so, sorry. Thelma. My blood! My own sister, we have the same parents, the same grandparents, remember them cousins? What's their names? You remember their names... Arthur and Bea. You mean everything to me. God begged for a world without whitey. The prophecy has come to pass. Tell your brother, why on earth are you sad?"
"Because now we can't get revenge!" Thelma screamed violently, before flipping an end table and walking as a ghost to her bed as Elmer stared in shocked epiphany, paralyzed in fright, hugging the lamp for comfort.
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