Beginners Cigar Etiquette and Tutorial For Non-Smokers

1. Never bother someone who is smoking a cigar unless you positively want trouble.
2. Never complain about cigar smoke or make a smoker feel self-conscious about smoking a cigar.
3. Always ask if you can help someone who is having difficulty lighting their cigar.
4. If someone does not have a cigar and indicates they want one, it is considered rude not to seek out the nearest reputable tabaquero.
5. If you are already buying one, you might as well pick up an entire box, returning promptly.
6. If you go out to purchase cigars for someone, you should always hurry back and not make any excuses if you are late.  If you mismanage your time, be sure to give notice and be prepared to "make it right" when you finally arrive.
7. If you buy someone a box of cigars and the party does not positively love the label, you should leave quietly, taking your cheap cigars with you.  Do not expect to ever hear from that person again – it is considered a family insult to most people of a certain breeding.
8. It is strictly inappropriate to offer someone else a box of cigars that was previously rejected by another party, as above.
9. You should not stand near a cigar smoker after you light their cigar, but stand back some so that you might hear what they are saying and take in their style.
10. You should remember what is being said and be able to recall the main facts if any of the story arcs are ever mentioned again at a future date.  Your reputation may be at stake if you cannot seamlessly interject a reference that reveals you are in on the joke and not the butt of it.
11. People who smoke cigars are better than you at everything.
12. Snapping a photograph of someone who is smoking a cigar is mandatory, especially if they just got the big sale or made partner.  A word of warning: make sure that you yourself are safely out of the picture.
13. Use a real camera with film and not your phone, or else you may risk being assaulted on your way out of the establishment.
14. Good etiquette dictates that you have the picture made into a framed poster at your own expense.  It should be ready and delivered the next morning, and you should not make someone feel guilty for it because they are not required to say thank you by tradition.
15. If a cigar smoker needs a cigar and a light, it is irresponsible and bordering on contempt to respond, “Would you like me to smoke it for you as well?”.  Just give both and exit quietly.  Never speak of it again.
16. Your humidor should be complete and well-stocked but never more prestigious than your cigar smoker’s humidor.
17. If a cigar smoker wishes to use your humidor as a stop-off while avoiding creditors, you must always provide a wet bar and plenty of shirtless muscle men around for protection.
18. Never ask a cigar smoker the particular reason for keeping a low-profile or make any off-color remarks about the men.
19. This list is not complete.  You are directed to study other sources in order to maintain more proper manners than this guide, which is only for beginners, allows.