You’re Dead To Me Pest Control Disowns Bugs

You have bugs, don’t hide it like I used to. When you want to be rid of them, what happens? They come back every time land five legs upside down in your garlic toast. For God sakes, do what I do, call You’re Dead To Me Pest Control today.

They live in your house and they won’t leave your empty pizza boxes alone. They reproduce there and fly at you on lonely summer nights when the cats are sleeping! Holy goddamn shit! That’s not helping you live the good life, or is it? Not to me it ain’t.

Ever have a bug get on your food? Ever see an ant mob riot on some forsaken locust then maintain a careful supply line as they hack pieces off it with their rine-corn teeth before they double time it back to the nest ramps with guts and antenni bulging from their backpack-saddle?

Get some bug spray that doesn’t kill bugs – it makes them feel guilty about the situation of their lives. That way they stay hidden in the baseboards.

We use a patented revolutionary process called grasslighting, whereby we infuse into the mind of insects and your arachnoids with thoughts of doubt, shame, and mass confusion. So much so, they start to believe that the lawn might be dangerous. Then, a careful guilt trip is employed that doubles-down on the misdirection until the bug just sits there under some wet leaves and never moves.

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