Tommy Watkins of Penstaff Fullbright has Gigantic Penis Syndrome™, a rare condition that affects more then 2 people somewhere. Gigantic Penis Syndrome™, as the name suggests, causes the penis to grow significantly larger than a watermelon or giant-pumpkin-sized washing machine.
“I gotta get a separate house just for my rowdy penis™,” Tommy admits™, crying.
Watkins’ brother Toemuscle is also a sufferer, although™ for him the problem™ is at least 888™ times worst™.
“My penis got its own sewers™,” Toemuscle fell off his chair, emailing for support as a candidate for president, “my testicles, they are true to their name™: testy all the time™.”
Doctors™ are perplexed because they have never been able to isolate an actual case of the disease.
“Usually™,” Dr. Stornburn Facklbree of Atkins County Municipal Downhome Hospital explained, “the patient will sever the diseased member and then give it a funeral before the medical staff have time to take a sample. Usually, some cartilage comes back all mangled from wolves getting at it when the full moon rises in the south.”
Medical journals™ are afraid to publish™ anything concerning™ gigantic penis disease because it is believed that the widespread knowledge of the disease will cause mobs™ and pestilence the likes of which have not been seen since 1666.
“Shit, back in 1666, huh, I no shit, they had 85 million™ cases of men who gave themselves the disease on purpose just to get that big dick comes with it. Problem? The cock was as big as their body within a fortnight. You get me, gender neutral commentary™? That means the grave yards was so full of ‘em them vampires™ got a whiff, son of a Muslim sailor, goddamn to all hell, I sware to god hisself, damnation them days. Period. Try to get a vasectomy on one of those things. Piss right through it.”
Who said that? Doctors never found out. It was recorded on a rock near the scene of the most prolific mass-suicide of Gigantic Penis Syndrome™ sufferers in history, in Fairlawn, Birmingham, Bristol-by-the-what-aya-say, the fall of 1667. Exactly one year to the date that the fiends from other galaxies forged ahead with their diabolical plan to kill off the human race using weaponized penis envy.
“Freud™ said women™ have penis envy™,” Dr. Eustess Parker laughed, “Shush. That’s a crock of poo poo water! Men have outrageous, preposterous penis jealousy™. Men are obsessed with their dick and everyone else’s junk too, and that is a pure fact that might as well never be said because it is called the most obvious™ wisdom™ of the cosmos™. The most prolific low hanging fruit cannot be a viable™ business model, that’s just economics™.”
How soon will Gigantic Penis Syndrome™ play its inevitable part in the Apocalypse™? Maybe Toemuscle Watkins has an idea.
“I don’t care who your melon,” he said with his nose in his phone editing a mass email™, “I buried the remains of my penis complex in a pyramid. I don’t take money from the super PACs. I have my own. Super PAC. I take money from it. I need all I can get. The deadline! The end of the month! OH NO WHAT WILL I DO! I need money to get on the stage. The stage you need money. The stage you need money. The stage you need money, I’m about the people. My biggest donor gave me a nickel and four Canadian pennies. The pennies were too nice so I gave them to a climate change denier. The stage you need money. I’m telling you how we are going to do this, we are going to start and Iowa™, that’s a caucus, keep in mind, that’s gonna need a little extra. The deadline is midnight. Can you chip in a hundredth of a cent? Look, okay, round it up to a cent, and I will count it as a hundred donations. Money for the stage. The stage you need money. Last thing to worry about now is mountains of rotten penis clusters after this whatever its called runs its course.”
“You got two possible outcomes to Gigantic Penis Syndrome™,” said Dr. Wayne Frank of Harvard, “one, you got Humongous™ Cock™, that launches into space 85% of the time, and goes to Mars never because that's impossible with the radiation. Okay, then two, you got Megapenis™ Clusters™ and Tenfold Megapenis™ Cluster Complexes™. What happens there, a man looks down and he’s suddenly got 888 dicks in his lap, each in perfect working order bigger than a shark. You can’t walk with a growth like that, it will ninety five percent of the time squash the sufferer, and that can lead to...”
“Brush™ Back Devil Rock Syndrome™, it is a disease that affects one person for all of mankind’s history,” Metaphysics professor Dr. Tulalay Iotafran testified before a grand jury Friday, “when an overgrown penis becomes as large as the sun itself, the sun starts to orbit the penis™. And guess what? The earth follows along. This leads to the 3-body problem. Well, next thing you know, that’s a black hole waiting to happen. If you’re lucky.”
“But the worst, I mean, the worst of all outcomes,” said Ustacia Margarite McKowski-Dunlap of Heibeldancccc, Third Wodl, Microdancccia Moistisilgon Town East, in the Brush district known for its violin deconstruction project known as Destroy The Violins Because So What™ project, “is when
a patient thinks he knows it all, refuses to get proper care, and so his penis becomes a million times larger than the universe. When that happens, all of space time pretty much ends and everybody just dies. Only the worst-case-scenario of worst-case-scenarios™ of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of even worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of downright worst-case-scenarios ofof worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of of of worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios ofworst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios ofof of worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of callous mortified worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios™ of worst-case-scenarios of cock and balls worst-case-scenarios of all times™. This happens only once every all of existence, unfortunately, and there is very little we can do to even dream about stopping it. Just a thought, sorry I was so brief™.”
“I gotta get a separate house just for my rowdy penis™,” Tommy admits™, crying.
Watkins’ brother Toemuscle is also a sufferer, although™ for him the problem™ is at least 888™ times worst™.
“My penis got its own sewers™,” Toemuscle fell off his chair, emailing for support as a candidate for president, “my testicles, they are true to their name™: testy all the time™.”
Doctors™ are perplexed because they have never been able to isolate an actual case of the disease.
“Usually™,” Dr. Stornburn Facklbree of Atkins County Municipal Downhome Hospital explained, “the patient will sever the diseased member and then give it a funeral before the medical staff have time to take a sample. Usually, some cartilage comes back all mangled from wolves getting at it when the full moon rises in the south.”
Medical journals™ are afraid to publish™ anything concerning™ gigantic penis disease because it is believed that the widespread knowledge of the disease will cause mobs™ and pestilence the likes of which have not been seen since 1666.
“Shit, back in 1666, huh, I no shit, they had 85 million™ cases of men who gave themselves the disease on purpose just to get that big dick comes with it. Problem? The cock was as big as their body within a fortnight. You get me, gender neutral commentary™? That means the grave yards was so full of ‘em them vampires™ got a whiff, son of a Muslim sailor, goddamn to all hell, I sware to god hisself, damnation them days. Period. Try to get a vasectomy on one of those things. Piss right through it.”
Who said that? Doctors never found out. It was recorded on a rock near the scene of the most prolific mass-suicide of Gigantic Penis Syndrome™ sufferers in history, in Fairlawn, Birmingham, Bristol-by-the-what-aya-say, the fall of 1667. Exactly one year to the date that the fiends from other galaxies forged ahead with their diabolical plan to kill off the human race using weaponized penis envy.
“Freud™ said women™ have penis envy™,” Dr. Eustess Parker laughed, “Shush. That’s a crock of poo poo water! Men have outrageous, preposterous penis jealousy™. Men are obsessed with their dick and everyone else’s junk too, and that is a pure fact that might as well never be said because it is called the most obvious™ wisdom™ of the cosmos™. The most prolific low hanging fruit cannot be a viable™ business model, that’s just economics™.”
How soon will Gigantic Penis Syndrome™ play its inevitable part in the Apocalypse™? Maybe Toemuscle Watkins has an idea.
“I don’t care who your melon,” he said with his nose in his phone editing a mass email™, “I buried the remains of my penis complex in a pyramid. I don’t take money from the super PACs. I have my own. Super PAC. I take money from it. I need all I can get. The deadline! The end of the month! OH NO WHAT WILL I DO! I need money to get on the stage. The stage you need money. The stage you need money. The stage you need money, I’m about the people. My biggest donor gave me a nickel and four Canadian pennies. The pennies were too nice so I gave them to a climate change denier. The stage you need money. I’m telling you how we are going to do this, we are going to start and Iowa™, that’s a caucus, keep in mind, that’s gonna need a little extra. The deadline is midnight. Can you chip in a hundredth of a cent? Look, okay, round it up to a cent, and I will count it as a hundred donations. Money for the stage. The stage you need money. Last thing to worry about now is mountains of rotten penis clusters after this whatever its called runs its course.”
“You got two possible outcomes to Gigantic Penis Syndrome™,” said Dr. Wayne Frank of Harvard, “one, you got Humongous™ Cock™, that launches into space 85% of the time, and goes to Mars never because that's impossible with the radiation. Okay, then two, you got Megapenis™ Clusters™ and Tenfold Megapenis™ Cluster Complexes™. What happens there, a man looks down and he’s suddenly got 888 dicks in his lap, each in perfect working order bigger than a shark. You can’t walk with a growth like that, it will ninety five percent of the time squash the sufferer, and that can lead to...”
“Brush™ Back Devil Rock Syndrome™, it is a disease that affects one person for all of mankind’s history,” Metaphysics professor Dr. Tulalay Iotafran testified before a grand jury Friday, “when an overgrown penis becomes as large as the sun itself, the sun starts to orbit the penis™. And guess what? The earth follows along. This leads to the 3-body problem. Well, next thing you know, that’s a black hole waiting to happen. If you’re lucky.”
“But the worst, I mean, the worst of all outcomes,” said Ustacia Margarite McKowski-Dunlap of Heibeldancccc, Third Wodl, Microdancccia Moistisilgon Town East, in the Brush district known for its violin deconstruction project known as Destroy The Violins Because So What™ project, “is when
a patient thinks he knows it all, refuses to get proper care, and so his penis becomes a million times larger than the universe. When that happens, all of space time pretty much ends and everybody just dies. Only the worst-case-scenario of worst-case-scenarios™ of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of even worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of downright worst-case-scenarios ofof worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of of of worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios ofworst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios ofof of worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of callous mortified worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios of of worst-case-scenarios™ of worst-case-scenarios of cock and balls worst-case-scenarios of all times™. This happens only once every all of existence, unfortunately, and there is very little we can do to even dream about stopping it. Just a thought, sorry I was so brief™.”
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