War Set to Begin Wednesday

Bangor - The war will begin in Kaesong according to Agent Dennis Rodman who was to speak at a meeting with high brass of the Illuminati just hours ago. The main topic of discussion was the final war.  Rodman was sidelined during a warm-up, having been placed on the injured reserve list. The rebound artist is expected to be healthy next week in time for Washington’s televised face-off with Syria which could decide who has the home-field disadvantage throughout the playoffs.

 

Prime Minister Shinzō Abe of Japan spoke at a meeting of the Rothschild Foundation Saturday, revealing that he is the person behind the internet hoax that involves typing the number 1 and seeing what happens. He said one evening it just came to him that people would type the number 1 and nothing would happen. However, he had no comment on Pyongyang.
 

Ida Bitter, a spokesperson for Monsanto, has said that the group would be willing stop developing genetically modified foods if it found that it could no longer profit from the research, which she noted is "painstaking". Bitter went on to say that their research arm had produced "pretty good apples" for pies or baking but warned that they were too bitter to eat outright and that they may or may not cause scabies. At a lunch meeting of the Trilateral Commission Tuesday, it was announced that Monsanto would be the official food production unit of the final war.

"Salt on the wound," said Bitter, "we were hoping to have some of the diesel truck action in the round-up."

Experts say we can expect a major global conflagration, with a 70% chance of nuclear fallout by Thursday. Friday is less hopeful, when, according to reclusive monks, it is expected that the universe will collapse, forming at least two black holes but more than likely a hundred. Sources close to the gun lobby say the government no doubt will use the incidents as a pretext to confiscate the pistols of bikers and rednecks. Which will, they say, actually increase crime by 800%.

"It is counterintuitive," said Biff Grace of Arm America, a leading gun proliferation group, "you might not believe it, but it's true. I know it doesn’t make sense. Those are the numbers, though. It does seem wrong, I know. I’m baffled, too… 800 percent? You know what, let me check on those numbers and I’ll get back to you later in the week."

Scholars at Smithville Polytechnic Institute in Bangor say they have the best advice for dealing with the end of times - get plenty of rest the night before, and make sure to stay hydrated.

Post-apocalyptic looters are expected to arrive Thursday in search of only one thing – good and delicious Monsanto apples. They are better than ever, and there has never been a better time to get them, according to Ida Bitter.

Sources close to Kim Jong-un have announced that after the dictator chatted with President Obama on the phone about basketball Friday, he became enraged by the president’s steadfast support of the traveling rule, which Comrade Kim strongly opposes.

"If a citizen wants to run the ball, who are we to stop him?" Kim said on a North Korean National news program, his eyes lighting up, "think of how fun that would be!"

The double dribble, Kim said, would also be eliminated, though it may still prevent dribbling on teammates. President Kim has stated in the past that he would like to see the court replaced with a grass field and the ball given a more projectile shape in addition to being made brown in color.

However, secret sources from within The Bilderberg have stated that Kim is "dead wrong" if he thinks the rules of basketball are negotiable. They went further to state that the NBA will deny all proposed rule changes for the next twenty-five years. The rules-freeze, they say, is necessary to protect the sanctity of basketball from communist influence.
 

Mr. Kim responded by polishing and lining up missiles all afternoon over tea in the garden at his palace in Pyongyang. He claimed he could hit Montgomery, Alabama and that could just as easily have been Enid, Oklahoma. Though the missiles were merely toys, Kim says they could just as easily have been real weapons. President Kim later became angry when Chairman Jang Sung-taek, his uncle, jokingly inquired as to the whereabouts of the real missiles causing the dictator to storm off crying. Jang had a hearty laugh over the incident later in the pool house.

　

Correction: In last week’s blog, we stated that Arthur Hillenburg Front belongs to the NAZZZCO Medical Group. However, Mr. Front has no association to the group, according to a spokesperson for NAZZZCO, who said in response, "we don’t know this guy". Front, however, is still adamant that he is in fact the founder and was on the group’s council since 1968.