Mysterious Photo Has Locals Baffled

Perplexing photograph that many believe turned up in Smack Dab only recently

Smack Dab - A photograph was discovered circulating the streets of Smack Dab Monday portraying nine black-robed individuals, four standing and five seated in wooden chairs.  The group members all appeared to be over 50 as they posed in front of a red velvet curtain.  No one is certain exactly who they are.

“They must be very serious people,” said Eli Crooked, a hotdog vendor on the city’s south side, adding, “Each one looks extremely dangerous in his own unique way.”

Six were men, one clinching his fist with a menacing glance, one matter-of-fact, another satisfied, one wearing a big smile, an elderly bald man having trouble holding his head upright, and one standing who seems to be expressing the emotion “can you believe this?” or some mix of shock and indignation.  Three were women, two smiling pleasantly and one who looked as if she were not sure where she was or why she was there.  This has led some to conclude that the group may have been coerced into sitting for the picture by aquatic aliens.

“The fact is we just don’t know,” said Smack Dab Police Chief Alvin Garson at a tennis match on the city’s upper-east side, “it is one of those suspenseful mysteries that we like to investigate at the police department.  However, we have no leads.  What else can we do but worry?”

Bladdy Stevengar of Info Bilk has pointed out in his blog Testicide that the pattern on the carpet is clearly an ancient and secret pagan symbol representing fish-aliens who, according to him, are behind the photo.

“This has fish-aliens written all over it,” said Stevengar, flipping patties for a recent barbeque at his ranch in lower Moundsville, West Virginia, “This may be the group that is responsible for crop circles, or, one of them may be the Pope.”

Arthur Hillenburg Front, of the NAZZZCO Research Group, responded Saturday via Skype by saying that he was organizing a project that would systematically eliminate all earth dwellers that the nine individuals in the picture “could not possibly be”.  This he planned to do largely through social media, leading a team charged with the task of eliminating all individuals who do not look anything like anyone in the picture.  He planned to do this until they had eliminated all but nine individuals, at which time he could assume the remaining nine must be the subjects in the photo.  He did point out that even if his project were successful, it would still not identify each individual but only give a one in nine chance that any individual in the photo is one of the individuals that survived the elimination phase or vise versa. 

Front's work stalled Sunday causing him to say that his original project was, “really completely unrealistic”.  However, he is hopeful that flyers he stapled to bulletin boards in high-traffic areas near the outskirts of Cleveland, areas also having a high activist-to-shill ratio, would produce results. 

“They’re not shills,” Front said, “it's just a matter of time now.”

Despite these efforts, however, the identities of the individuals in the photograph are still not known.  That is why Granny originally took on the challenge of cracking the case.

During a recent townhall meeting at City Hall, I posed the question to the council as to who was in the image and they responded by calling my question out of order, pretending not to be on the council, and, as I was escorted out, asking a security officer exactly how I was able to get past them and why the microphone was left on at the podium.  They later claimed to be the cleaning staff, stating that Smack Dab City Council would not be convening at all after midnight Tuesday and accused me of being under the influence. 

“Under the influence of the truth maybe,” I said in response.

I knew the councilperson was lying to me but I didn’t have proof yet.  I began to believe that this photo is very important, or else why would my first amendment rights be so deceitfully repressed?  As I pondered the situation from my jail cell, I made Kool-Aid. 

Upon being bailed out by my great-granddaughter Molly six weeks later, I immediately scoured the newspaper for new breaks in the story.  I found nothing.  I began to realize then the profound nature of the photograph.  If the Liberal Media wouldn’t report it, there must be a reason, there must be a smoking gun somewhere and I was determined to find it.  Then, I realized suddenly if I did I would probably be persecuted, scapegoated, and robbed of every right, having all my guns, my Beatles albums, confiscated.  Even my autographed copy of Capote's Other Voices, Other Rooms was in jeopardy.

It was then that I abandoned the story.  I suppose we will never know who it is in the enigmatic photograph and what a colossal shame that is for the American peoples.