Things a Bum Will Probably Do With Your Spare Change

1.  Buy 50 gallons of gas and burn a Baptist Church.

2.  Get a hotel room and masturbate on Gideon's bible.

3.  Make an initial deposit in a bank account that offers a promotion for opening a new account, never use the account, then close the account once the probationary period is passed and the promotional bait is received.  This is effectively taking advantage of the very trustworthy banking firm.

4.  Buy a camera and film police brutally murder an unarmed minority being charged with one crime: resisting arrest.  We will learn later on the news that police were only doing their best and the victim had a history of expressing human dignity which aroused the sadism in the arresting officer.  Law enforcement, being white men with a few odd tokens of diversity, will be fully exonerated in the incident and be given paid leave.  

5.  Stage a military coup in a country that hasn't been heard from lately in order to turn the public mind away from a more important societal issue or personal scandal of a high-ranking public official.

6.  Donate the money to the Democratic Liberal Party.

7.  Pay mafioso to effectively blind window washers so that all windows everywhere will become opaque within 6 months.

8.  Payoff school bus drivers to drop children off at different neighborhoods, effectively swapping all children, causing a generalized hysteria.

9.  Fail and then not realize that failure is the best thing that can happen opportunity wise.

10.  DVR the Super Bowl, then watch it later but fast forward through the commercials.  

11.  Build a McDonald's franchise from the ground up.

12.  Buyout the nearest neighborhood Christian bookstore and turn it into a sinner information desk and kiosk catering to at-risk youth, also living in the neighborhood.

13.  Become entrenched in multiculturalism, going so far as to support an open-door immigration policy.

14.  Exacerbate an otherwise balanced political issue like tort law reform or antitrust legislation by supporting those principles.

15.  Give the funds to other transients, who will then just give it to other homeless families.  Where does the chain end?  At the bottom of a liquor bottle.

16.  Throw a tailgate party in honor of Geraldine Ferraro.

17.  Craft a golden calf to be worshipped by other urban campers, effectively angering Yahweh.  I suggest we realize that we do not want to anger Yahweh again. 

18.  Start another unjustified war in the Middle East over a beef from the 1990's, ruining the world and causing its ultimate demise.

19.  Sell our jobs to China.  Here you go, China, some jobs.  I'll take the money in cash, thank you.  Oh, you'll also take land?  Fine then.  Here is jobs and land.  Would you also like fries with that?  No?!  What!!!  Fucking China, always gotta be serious.

20.  Speak out in reference to Donald Trump, Bill Cosby, and NFL domestic violence scandal in an online comment: "boys will be boys."

21.  Spend the money and not realize the importance of state's rights.

22.  Refuse to even consider any Libertarian rhetoric on the grounds that it is fundamentally flawed and therefore unworthy of discussion.  Spend the money, and say, "I will give no dignity to that statement my good man.  I am a Harvard Liberal through and through.  Handouts are my favorite device in all the land."

23.  Go home to his mansion and count the money in a vault, then phone all his friends and brag about how he makes a living.  Then drive in a Mercedes, then go buy large carat diamonds, then have things gold-plated, then start acting like a tycoon of old, and not be able to leave his own bedroom until he is forgotten and is only heard from again when he mysteriously dies 60 years later at the age of 120 and no one knows who he is or where he came from. Then, his billions will be used for good causes.  In a way, that is not bad, but what is bad - it all goes to charities to help the homeless.  Are you starting to get a picture of the vicious cycle?  Is this format reaching through to your hate centers?  If not, why not though?

24.  Go back in time and not purchase any of Hitler's paintings, directly contributing to the death of 60 million people.