50 New Fart Rules (and other devolutions)

1.     Whoever is without praising is the one who is hiding its raising.
2.     She who shit her purse is the one whose wind has cursed.
3.     The man who looked innocent threw a terd not finished yet.
4.     The doctor who denied it is the one whose sphincter invited it.
5.     The teacher who's acting mean is the one who's made the room unclean.
6.     The policeman who reads its rights is the one who flew the brownie's kites.
7.     Whomever tries to act not responsible is, in fact, the one who is probably did it.
8.     One will fart and pretend not to have done so, often.
9.     Whoever broke the wind is in trouble, its a sin.
10.   Try not to do that often, or your marble balls will soften.
11.   It is never socially acceptable to expel flatulence on a gathering of people.
12.   There is no situation in which that is okay.
13.   Break not that unless you're going to bat.
14.   Believe me now, for I speak wise, the one who farts very often lies.
15.   Yet, consider this as well, no one is capable of investigating such a fleeting smell.
16.   If such an eruption should come from your loins, never cop, never an accuser enjoin.
17.   Hold your own, better than you have, and keep the secret of what you've done.
18.   How I tire of lists.
19.   What is a list but a glorified jumble of ideas?
20.   No theme, or little to none, and a front for a monkey writer outfit.
21.  Churning out pages, losing no shade of irony.
22.  Misunderstanding irony half the time, nine times out of ten.
23.  Half the time the glass is half full of poison.
24.  There is no amount of philosophy that can account for that relationship.
25.  Dream big, live small.
26.  The burglar who cracked the safe is the one whose rights have been waived.
27.  Your momma so tired, bitch sleep in a tractor wheel.
28.  Your auntie so tacky call her Aunt Beulah Tin Board.
29.  Your brother such a dumb ass, he got an f sitting down.
30.  U.S. foreign policy so twisted, people believe its normal.
31.  Religion so messed up, there is more than one religion.
32.  Voting is such a flawed system, there is no sound way to verify the results.
33.  Conservative worldview so out of sync with reality, many people support conservative policy who are adversely affected by said policy.
34.  Orange ranks as one of the top twelve colors of all time, yet it cannot find a rhyming partner.
35.  Whoever is pretending a while ago was a nuance sending.
36.  Numbers are added for effect.
37.  Extremist Arabic numbers blend in with peaceful Arabic numbers rather easily.
38.  Arabic numbers have taken over the world.
39.  President Obama prefers using Arabic numbers to Roman numerals.
40.  The reason given is that Arabic numbers more efficiently represent numerical values than Roman numerals.  But with the advent of digital technology, is that even still true?  Why hasn't the White House investigated?  Let the Daily Mail look into it.
41.  Alex Jones is too much of a chickenshit weasel to even consider exposing that fact.
42.  Fuck Alex Jones in Alex Jones's big red asspatch on his face.
43.  Whoever fucks Alex Jones should be made to feel shame for having been thus debased and exploited.
44.  Everyone involved in the Alex Jones take down will never get that smell out of their hair.
45.  Alex Jones - the name that sounds and smells exactly like passing gas.
46.  Brigham Young - another worthless cunt.
47.  Joseph Smith - shit in a handbag.
48.  XLVIII
49.  The one who wasn't fazed is the one whose dirty bottom grazed.
50.  The artist who flew to Rome is the one who wrote the Grecian poem.