Ardently Grappling Schnorvil
Directed by Matilda Bagpipes
After fourth chair violinist Schnorvil McBetrest (Frans Pasckenheist) is thrown out of the New York Philharmonic Orchestra by new conductor Sargent Paul Varnish (April Langswell) for knocking over child prodigy Bogues Henry (Gird Villanova) with his violin case, Schnorvil is led on a series of misadventures through the Australian outback, many of which involve drugs and include multiple atrocities involving innocent aborigines (played by Shil Berham, Angalina Staplegun, Gori Bash, Trilamp Garland, and Milzi Pympe-Deville), before returning to New York with a fresh attitude and vicious playing style that rivals the very best musicians the world has ever seen. Many who hear Schnorvil play at this time fall into a trance and weep begging for more.
That is when Schnorvil meets Watusi Endeavors (Marilyn Streece), a key agent for Shalango Middle Class Records. She offers Schnorvil top billing at Club Get Down, a local fop night spot, and a $25,000 advance. Schnorvil at first refuses her offer, after he has misgivings about the fact that Shalango Records is the label of none other than Feetrig Manibars (Simony Dodge-Plex), a person Schnorvil knew many years back while touring with the U.S.O. during the especially bloody Three Counties War who once teased Schnorvil on account of his extremely common given name.
“Everybody is named Schnorvil these days, bruva” says Manibars with contempt in his tone, “It's the definition of some kinda goddamn disease, that or a global disgrace. What bastard degenerate sonofabitch monster names their God forsaken newborn schlub Schnorvil? Anyone with that name can go fly a kite for all I car [sic].”
Schnorvil then reviews his life over a period of about three months, each night watching one year of the past on DVD. When he is finished rehashing every event of his life, he decides that “money is more important than any other object in the world, next to any object that may lead to more money, because money can buy objects and those objects can be exchanged for money, so that, when all is said and done, there is more time to rest, which has a causal link to love and happiness. One should obtain all the money one can in the most efficient manner available – anyone who advises otherwise should be ruined in the public spaces, never to be listened to, silenced, for they are the world's greatest criminals”. Schnorvil recites that exact sentence to himself a dozen times in a round mirror before singing the momentous belting torch classic My Schnorvil Done Got a Strutting Lass written by Hertrist Van Der Floom with lyrics by Yomers Beckley. In the next scene, Schnorvil signs the contract with Shalango.
Jealous Sargent Varnish, being unable to control her attitude, practically kills Schnorvil eight or nine times and threatens everyone he ever loved before she finally gives up and admits that she was just acting out and assures that it will not happen again. No reason is given for why she behaved that way, but the audience is supposed to speculate that it was related to her characteristic trait of bad timing.
Afterward at Club Get Down Sargent Varnish apologizes to Schorvil. Feetrig Manibars appears randomly and he and Schnorvil finally have it out. Manibars remains unapologetic so Schnorvil reacts with extreme violence, as anyone would given the same situation. Manibars, left for dead, is heard saying, “those fucking Schnorvils. These stupid fucking Schnorvils. I knew this would happen.”
A second later, a tribe of aborigines, dressed as foreign invaders in suits and ties, descends on Schnorvil and devours his body piecemeal. Natives do not waste anything in a kill like this, and the film does a good job of showing how they would have done it. Bogues Henry is seen leading the attack with a red, white, and blue baseball cap that reads "prodigy".
It is then revealed that the orchestra had received a bad review from none other than Dreenbat Starnfalls (Hiland Garfunkel) a week before in the Schnozeltown Picayune, where Starnfalls judged that newcomer Sargent Varnish had “all the random timing of a fire engine lug”. The article was titled Sargent Varnish and her orchestra named Capital of Cacophony. The audience never finds this out, and it is nowhere in the production notes, but it is to be implied from the subtext.
The film ends by famously turning on the theater lights and unleashing a crew of idiots in matching vests and flashlights to shoe the audience from the cinema. Popcorn is not sold before, during, or after the production, yet it always litters the floor when the lights come up. No apologies have been issued. Parental discretion is recommended but rarely enforced.
Directed by Matilda Bagpipes
After fourth chair violinist Schnorvil McBetrest (Frans Pasckenheist) is thrown out of the New York Philharmonic Orchestra by new conductor Sargent Paul Varnish (April Langswell) for knocking over child prodigy Bogues Henry (Gird Villanova) with his violin case, Schnorvil is led on a series of misadventures through the Australian outback, many of which involve drugs and include multiple atrocities involving innocent aborigines (played by Shil Berham, Angalina Staplegun, Gori Bash, Trilamp Garland, and Milzi Pympe-Deville), before returning to New York with a fresh attitude and vicious playing style that rivals the very best musicians the world has ever seen. Many who hear Schnorvil play at this time fall into a trance and weep begging for more.
That is when Schnorvil meets Watusi Endeavors (Marilyn Streece), a key agent for Shalango Middle Class Records. She offers Schnorvil top billing at Club Get Down, a local fop night spot, and a $25,000 advance. Schnorvil at first refuses her offer, after he has misgivings about the fact that Shalango Records is the label of none other than Feetrig Manibars (Simony Dodge-Plex), a person Schnorvil knew many years back while touring with the U.S.O. during the especially bloody Three Counties War who once teased Schnorvil on account of his extremely common given name.
“Everybody is named Schnorvil these days, bruva” says Manibars with contempt in his tone, “It's the definition of some kinda goddamn disease, that or a global disgrace. What bastard degenerate sonofabitch monster names their God forsaken newborn schlub Schnorvil? Anyone with that name can go fly a kite for all I car [sic].”
Schnorvil then reviews his life over a period of about three months, each night watching one year of the past on DVD. When he is finished rehashing every event of his life, he decides that “money is more important than any other object in the world, next to any object that may lead to more money, because money can buy objects and those objects can be exchanged for money, so that, when all is said and done, there is more time to rest, which has a causal link to love and happiness. One should obtain all the money one can in the most efficient manner available – anyone who advises otherwise should be ruined in the public spaces, never to be listened to, silenced, for they are the world's greatest criminals”. Schnorvil recites that exact sentence to himself a dozen times in a round mirror before singing the momentous belting torch classic My Schnorvil Done Got a Strutting Lass written by Hertrist Van Der Floom with lyrics by Yomers Beckley. In the next scene, Schnorvil signs the contract with Shalango.
Jealous Sargent Varnish, being unable to control her attitude, practically kills Schnorvil eight or nine times and threatens everyone he ever loved before she finally gives up and admits that she was just acting out and assures that it will not happen again. No reason is given for why she behaved that way, but the audience is supposed to speculate that it was related to her characteristic trait of bad timing.
Afterward at Club Get Down Sargent Varnish apologizes to Schorvil. Feetrig Manibars appears randomly and he and Schnorvil finally have it out. Manibars remains unapologetic so Schnorvil reacts with extreme violence, as anyone would given the same situation. Manibars, left for dead, is heard saying, “those fucking Schnorvils. These stupid fucking Schnorvils. I knew this would happen.”
A second later, a tribe of aborigines, dressed as foreign invaders in suits and ties, descends on Schnorvil and devours his body piecemeal. Natives do not waste anything in a kill like this, and the film does a good job of showing how they would have done it. Bogues Henry is seen leading the attack with a red, white, and blue baseball cap that reads "prodigy".
It is then revealed that the orchestra had received a bad review from none other than Dreenbat Starnfalls (Hiland Garfunkel) a week before in the Schnozeltown Picayune, where Starnfalls judged that newcomer Sargent Varnish had “all the random timing of a fire engine lug”. The article was titled Sargent Varnish and her orchestra named Capital of Cacophony. The audience never finds this out, and it is nowhere in the production notes, but it is to be implied from the subtext.
The film ends by famously turning on the theater lights and unleashing a crew of idiots in matching vests and flashlights to shoe the audience from the cinema. Popcorn is not sold before, during, or after the production, yet it always litters the floor when the lights come up. No apologies have been issued. Parental discretion is recommended but rarely enforced.
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