A new social media site was launched this week by Holduperus, Inc. that will send life-threatening messages to hated public figures. Harnold Miller, who walked me through the prospectus at a barista on 22nd and Vine, explained carefully how he and colleagues noticed that common people secretly dislike model citizens and public leaders, they are jealous and feel betrayed by society because they are not them. The everydays wear that contempt like armor and marketers see its greenish-blue aura from their boardrooms.
"It's kind of like toxic jealousy for adults," said Miller, chomping down on brisket with a sliced pickle hanging out of his lip, "you see it all the time on social media. It's called harassment or trolling. Presidents of U.S. have not been able to stop it, no matter how hard they've tried, and believe me, they've tried a lot."
Miller could not give any specific examples of attempts by the executive branch to do anything about it, but he seemed present at least so I gave him a break. He had sort of a big nose thing going with his face, sort of worn out, and back to his nose, it was chiseled rough, slightly out of balance, and I will say it: DELICIOUS. I wanted to have a bite but he was particularly evasive on that maneuver, he continued.
"People hate each other," he said casually, rubbing his Adonis shoulder clothed in elegance. His lips had a nice robustly sharp edge which suited me fine so I kept staring at them until I noticed his teeth. He went on.
"People hate each other," he repeated, this time I noticed his teeth had this biting quality, a straightness and dental arrangement that were perfectly in tune with his body metrics, "people hate each other and they want to kill each other but they can't because of the law. Classic repression..."
That brought up a good point, I asked him, rather smartly, a well-timed curve ball to jostle his rhythm enough so that I could get a good glimpse of his forehead, which was glistening just enough that the glow from his cheeks made his face edible in my view of things. No doubt this male was a fine specimen with all the right angles. I was hoping to see tears next.
"What about the law? Does the operation of the website in fact violate the law? Because it seems like death threats used to be against the said law, especially vis a vis a, call it what it is, a high-valued personality brand," I said holding a pencil like a 50's scoop reporter without the stupid hats or penis.
"Yes, violent threats used to be a thing with law, not anymore thankfully," said Miller, now I noticed his chin was perfectly like a peach in every way. My mouth watered next over his side neck, which reminded me of convenient veins, "we have lobbied congress to remove those pesky regulations from corporations that are really nothing more than big individuals. You know, it was getting in the way of progress. This is the 19th century I hope you realize."
"I do affirm that, thank you. Now, let's move on here. So, tell me, what happens when a consumer utilizes the features of your site, walk me through it," I said in a smart way that sounded smart.
"You sign in, you agree to the terms, you pay your fee..."
"Is there a free trial?" I asked like a great attorney may cross-examine a serial killer who claims he was just walking in the park and not out on a capricious murdering spree on the evening in question, "because I heard there was a 14-day free trial."
"I almost forgot, yes," he said and his brow bristled carefully like a sloppy lawn of brownish-gray grass that had not been mowed for so long that the homeowner's association was sending him notices he has ignored for decades. Under that grass was the flesh of a god sitting before me while I was holding my fork over a plate of carp, "we allow you a trial period to get to know the app. You sign in, which is a painless experience, you will then be given a complete list of high-profile targets throughout the world. There is a message box drawing your attention. You can write anything in that box, we don't care. Click and the gratification is instantaneous. As always, we finish each message with a gender neutral footer that might also show ads from a third-party affiliate and might be used as a tracking device in some cases."
"What is a third-party affiliate?" I asked adroitly.
"I have no idea," he said, now his hairline seemed to invite a scalping but I was raised in society so I carefully put my blade back in my purse and I don't think he noticed.
"So then you threaten them, how does that work?"
"We don't actually threaten them, we just claim we do it secretly and our users have no choice but to believe it. Keep in mind, they want to believe it so that helps in 99.8 percent of cases."
"My goodness," I jumped up, "WHY WOULD YOU ADMIT THAT? Don't you think it will affect sales?"
"I don't think it matters, people buy lottery tickets that never win, this is kind of like that," he said and for the first time I noticed that his neck-chest was throbbing for passion and would be considered a delicacy in a cannibal economy. A bead of sweat tantalized me and I needed salt in my diet.
"I like that you are taking advantage of people," I said and left, never to return to that eatery until years later. That time, I just wanted to take a look where we were sitting to remember it. I don't know why I wanted to remember it because it was a boring dinner and I never got what I wanted from it.
I think someone may have slipped me human meat at some point in the past because I can see dinner in strange faces. I can intuitively tell you if someone will be delicious or rancid just from 12 or so data points in reference to the human body like a meat map of a cow transposed onto a humanoid primate. Not what I wanted that time. I would have rather just written this directly from the prospectus.
"It's kind of like toxic jealousy for adults," said Miller, chomping down on brisket with a sliced pickle hanging out of his lip, "you see it all the time on social media. It's called harassment or trolling. Presidents of U.S. have not been able to stop it, no matter how hard they've tried, and believe me, they've tried a lot."
Miller could not give any specific examples of attempts by the executive branch to do anything about it, but he seemed present at least so I gave him a break. He had sort of a big nose thing going with his face, sort of worn out, and back to his nose, it was chiseled rough, slightly out of balance, and I will say it: DELICIOUS. I wanted to have a bite but he was particularly evasive on that maneuver, he continued.
"People hate each other," he said casually, rubbing his Adonis shoulder clothed in elegance. His lips had a nice robustly sharp edge which suited me fine so I kept staring at them until I noticed his teeth. He went on.
"People hate each other," he repeated, this time I noticed his teeth had this biting quality, a straightness and dental arrangement that were perfectly in tune with his body metrics, "people hate each other and they want to kill each other but they can't because of the law. Classic repression..."
That brought up a good point, I asked him, rather smartly, a well-timed curve ball to jostle his rhythm enough so that I could get a good glimpse of his forehead, which was glistening just enough that the glow from his cheeks made his face edible in my view of things. No doubt this male was a fine specimen with all the right angles. I was hoping to see tears next.
"What about the law? Does the operation of the website in fact violate the law? Because it seems like death threats used to be against the said law, especially vis a vis a, call it what it is, a high-valued personality brand," I said holding a pencil like a 50's scoop reporter without the stupid hats or penis.
"Yes, violent threats used to be a thing with law, not anymore thankfully," said Miller, now I noticed his chin was perfectly like a peach in every way. My mouth watered next over his side neck, which reminded me of convenient veins, "we have lobbied congress to remove those pesky regulations from corporations that are really nothing more than big individuals. You know, it was getting in the way of progress. This is the 19th century I hope you realize."
"I do affirm that, thank you. Now, let's move on here. So, tell me, what happens when a consumer utilizes the features of your site, walk me through it," I said in a smart way that sounded smart.
"You sign in, you agree to the terms, you pay your fee..."
"Is there a free trial?" I asked like a great attorney may cross-examine a serial killer who claims he was just walking in the park and not out on a capricious murdering spree on the evening in question, "because I heard there was a 14-day free trial."
"I almost forgot, yes," he said and his brow bristled carefully like a sloppy lawn of brownish-gray grass that had not been mowed for so long that the homeowner's association was sending him notices he has ignored for decades. Under that grass was the flesh of a god sitting before me while I was holding my fork over a plate of carp, "we allow you a trial period to get to know the app. You sign in, which is a painless experience, you will then be given a complete list of high-profile targets throughout the world. There is a message box drawing your attention. You can write anything in that box, we don't care. Click and the gratification is instantaneous. As always, we finish each message with a gender neutral footer that might also show ads from a third-party affiliate and might be used as a tracking device in some cases."
"What is a third-party affiliate?" I asked adroitly.
"I have no idea," he said, now his hairline seemed to invite a scalping but I was raised in society so I carefully put my blade back in my purse and I don't think he noticed.
"So then you threaten them, how does that work?"
"We don't actually threaten them, we just claim we do it secretly and our users have no choice but to believe it. Keep in mind, they want to believe it so that helps in 99.8 percent of cases."
"My goodness," I jumped up, "WHY WOULD YOU ADMIT THAT? Don't you think it will affect sales?"
"I don't think it matters, people buy lottery tickets that never win, this is kind of like that," he said and for the first time I noticed that his neck-chest was throbbing for passion and would be considered a delicacy in a cannibal economy. A bead of sweat tantalized me and I needed salt in my diet.
"I like that you are taking advantage of people," I said and left, never to return to that eatery until years later. That time, I just wanted to take a look where we were sitting to remember it. I don't know why I wanted to remember it because it was a boring dinner and I never got what I wanted from it.
I think someone may have slipped me human meat at some point in the past because I can see dinner in strange faces. I can intuitively tell you if someone will be delicious or rancid just from 12 or so data points in reference to the human body like a meat map of a cow transposed onto a humanoid primate. Not what I wanted that time. I would have rather just written this directly from the prospectus.
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