Aces On Bridge

South has a life or death choice to make

                                                  North

                                                 ♠A K Q J 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2

    East                                                                                   West

    ♥A K Q J 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2                                             ♣A K Q J 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2

                                                 South

                                                 ♦A K Q J 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2

The bidding: East Pass, North 6 no-trump, West 8 diamonds, South Pass, East 12 Spades, West Pass, North Pass, Wast fold, Nouth Gets up and runs, East-West looks at the time.

opening lead: Ace of shovels.

This happens when a new deck of cards is used and someone forgot to shuffle and cut. The dealer may also have cheated because this is a 1 in 655,013,559,600 hand. You could deal one hand every second and it would amount to the distance light travels since the birth of the universe before you saw this exact combination come again.

Of course, your first impulse is to bid 2 no-trump. No matter what, everyone still has to play the hand. There is a pretty severe curse waiting for any set of four players who fold the hand in favor of more rational situations. Cities have been covered in sand, which usually takes only 6 hours if the wind is right.

Okay, hold on a second. Don't bid just yet. Think about it: in order to reduce his losers to 12, South needs to discard a 5 and invoke his right to flip a coin for deciding what card to play. So, a bid of 12 diamonds is in order. But that is not what happens.

There is no easy way to say this. No one can win this hand. It is a loser for everyone and possibly one of the most embarrassing moments for bridge players everywhere. It is called the “Allsy Balsies” in Limerick, Ireland for obvious reasons.

The secret to the hand is to play each card randomly. All players must decide to do this, or an infinite tie will ensue that will make the game last for years and possibly decades. There are still hands going on in the south of France that began in the 1920's and all of the players are now deceased. It is hoped that bit of information will help you choose wisely – this is like getting a parrot as a pet and updating your will, something not to be neglected.

It is rumored that the name of the game derived from this hand, when it was used to build a bridge over the River Thames in 1620's in whatever country that river flows through. Wherever it was, it didn't take long to build bridges while playing the game because with all trumps, everyone will always win, and that is exactly the wrong thing for a game of chance. Thus this paradox.

Opening up a door to another dimension has only worked haphazardly, with some players reporting good news and others returning as fifteenth century beggars, unskilled for labor but good at churning butter. However, if North leads with the six, look out. Do not ever lead with a six, no matter how good a choice it seems.

That is basically like the Devil's favorite number. He is the one who invented this particular game. So, look, don't lead with a six. Try a five or seven instead.

For the next hand, shuffle the cards at least a dozen times, careful not to shuffle them back in order, which could easily be done by an unskilled dealer. I've seen someone cut it 18 times and it dealt the same hand to dangerous drunks who were suspicious already when they arrived. I've been to places where decks never change order, and are not good conduits for random chance, and lead to wars and famine. You're dealing with forces outside of your control. Maybe you shouldn't be playing bridge.

Join us next week when we decide how to handle a case where the dealer mistakenly deals from an Uno deck. Until then, have a happy bridge playing time!!!!!!!!

[author's note: I have never played, nor do I ever intend to play bridge]