The Chronicles of Granny In The Bed

Dr. Foxy was in Ohio Friday to sell his new proposition for altering space-time to the benefit of mankind.  This is in sharp contrast to his last speech on the subject, given in Berlin, where he was criticized for creating methods that would adversely affect all of creation. "I was wrong to insinuate going back in time to kill the pre-Gods was a great idea," said Dr. Foxy at an informal gathering at the Reichstag, "Now, I want to offer one solution that I have found that meets both criteria for elegant space-time alterations that come with no cost, one, and that can be applied without electronic devices that use fossil fuels, two.  Therefore, I want you all to join me Friday in Steubenville, Ohio." Boos filled the audience when he mentioned fossil fuels.  The reason for that is the term has come to signify a pejorative term applied to deads whose bodies were used as kindling for massive energy projects, called beige energy.  Someone said, that is offensive to those ...

Dr. Rudimentis Foxy was in Louisville again Shutterday to discuss his proposal to bring Feel Good History back to schools and to forget about what really happened. Feel Good History Feel Good History is known as high school history.  It is where all the outcomes of the past are smoothed over.  It is how a criminal tells lies to a victim. "Hey, you took my meaning, my money, my freedom," says a victim. "No, I helped you," says a criminal who is holding onto sunlight and using it to get more sunlight over others who don't know the truth. "The problem is only that people have become aware of the situation," said Dr. Foxy into exactly 36 microphones, "it has nothing to do with what happened.  We can say anything that happened five minutes ago no longer matters.  We can just put a lid on the whole events, because, remember, human beings are not going to find out if we don't teach them.  Forget it.  We keep a low bar in our minds, when we think of o...

Dr. Foxy spoke at a news conference Umpday, giving a clear picture of his newest goals. "I want to eliminate packaging that is too difficult to unwrap," Dr. Foxy screamed standing just outside his copter in Bristol, "I bought an ounce of cannabis Twiceday, and get it right, that motherfucker was a holocaust to open.  It was Adolf Hitler's dream packaging.  This is how it started in Berlin, with the cellophane just a little bit wrapped too tightly, until the kiddies, poor kids, think of the kids killed by Nazis." When asked what he meant, Dr. Foxy in typical style refused to mince terms. "If you are asking questions, you are probably a Gestapo, so I would be careful," said Dr. Foxy while chewing off the end of a giant cigar and spitting the end out until it landed in his beard, "A query is right out of the textbook of the NDSAP, the National German Worker's Party.  Every heard of it?  Nazis used a swastika for their badge.  It all started the s...

The president was in town yesterday to talk about Dr. Foxy again.  This time, he spoke very well and was heard by everyone in the audience.  Last time, his mic was turned down so low that some people in the back of the room could not make out what he was saying which lead to some confusion when it was time to discuss Dr. Foxy's recent surprise decision to ban vinegar from the public without a permit. Which, as the president noted, was fool-hearty considering that vinegar is a valuable commodity used around the world as a general purpose food preservative.  What could possibly be wrong with something that preserves food?  Dr. Foxy said he doesn't like the smell. "I don't like the way vinegar smells," says Dr. Foxy at a meeting Friday, "it just sucks all the way around. It is terrible.  Have you ever smelled it?  I would rather smell vomit or terds or death than vinegar any day of the week.  I would rather smell asparagus laden urine or a fish kill in th...

Dr. Foxy will be back in Cleveland Sunday to discuss his trip to Havana and South America.  It should be an interesting talk this time.  Not like last month, when Dr. Foxy appeared to speak about his trip to Vienna.  During that meeting, if you remember, Dr. Foxy was asked to leave after a heckler induced him to shout extremely vile and sadistic comments about just about every race under the sun except for white. "You got a stupid look on your face," said the heckler, a middle of the road tall boy from Minnesota named Steven Crawlman. "Bleep bleep bleep bleep," said Dr. Foxy, "bleep bleep bleep." The bleeps are placeholders for entire paragraphs that attack in each case one race with tirades and horrors the likes of which would make Hitler squeamish.  It would make Reverend Hagee cry in his big boy jeans.  Listen, the city went sick over it.  There were so many riots coming from every conceivable angle that none of them could even riot at all.  They ke...

Dr. Foxy gave a speech today that caused an outrage in the international secrecy community.  According to Dr. Foxy, there are over 1 million secrecy fanatics who believe they are the only ones to which God left a secret.  The leading doctor went on to say that it is causing "a bunch of bullshit". "First of all, let me tell you what their secret is," said Dr. Foxy, "I don't want to keep you in suspense, which is what they do.  Well, basically, what we would call a mad scientist existed roughly 6,600 years ago." "His name is given in various ways, but the main idea is, these names are just nicknames.  No one knows the real name of this fellow.  Also, bear in mind, people were slightly different then.  They did not die often.  If they died, they were resurrected in a pyramid using an ancient technique of DNA re-animation to regrow whole human bodies over a period of years.  They went in the pyramid dead, and walked out perfectly alive in perfect heal...

First of all, this is a daunting task so don't be no flake.  Once you go in, you go all in, or you sink to the bottom of the toilet in a mess of sloppy sogged-out bathroom tissue. Dr. Foxy says most people wipe their ass wrong to begin with.  The research associate of the Tamborine Climber Society of Will Beach Florida Computer College Park Center said you have to dig in, go low, and never try to climb out too fast. "The biggest mistake is that people phase out before the job is done," Dr. Foxy explained over dinner, "you have a classic game of cat and bigger cat going on constantly, and don't forget, hamsters are not just diving in, according to my research, this is a bigger problem than is often realized, I'm afraid." There are five things to consider anytime one decides to keep their shitstacks in complete working order at all times.  First of all, keep a low key.  Second, don't hold out.  Third, keep up a steady pace.  Fourth, stand on the anus o...