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The Onion: Decades Later And Still No Consensus On Its Authorship

You’re talking to me But I was on Sputnik You waste of skin.
The Onion By Robert Or William Culbin. No one is sure who penned the verse, but Robert was perhaps the least likely, as it was noted by George First: “I knew Robert,” said George, shaking his head, “he seemed too stupid for a poet. I remember, I asked him, whataya think’s going to happen with this McCarthy fellow? Robert shot me so fast, to this day I don’t mention communism without waving the Confederate flag like mad.” Still, the doubt lingers, as Carvel Ponders stated in her autobiography, Shambles: From the Greenways to the Red Stops. “Relatively speaking,” says the aging sexpot, “Robert was the poet. William was the younger brother, remember. They were only two years apart, but Robert was the leader. He called the shots. William wasn’t endowed with that raw energy that was so much the trait of Robert. His belt was always on crooked. Robert would stop and fix it for him.” “William didn’t have traits except he wore…