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DeathThreat.com Threatens Public Figures With Death for $5.99 per month

A new social media site was launched this week by Holduperus, Inc. that will send life-threatening messages to hated public figures.  Harnold Miller, who walked me through the prospectus at a barista on 22nd and Vine, explained carefully how he and colleagues noticed that common people secretly dislike model citizens and public leaders, they are jealous and feel betrayed by society because they are not them.  The everydays wear that contempt like armor and marketers see its greenish-blue aura from their boardrooms.

"It's kind of like toxic jealousy for adults," said Miller, chomping down on brisket with a sliced pickle hanging out of his lip, "you see it all the time on social media.  It's called harassment or trolling.  Presidents of U.S. have not been able to stop it, no matter how hard they've tried, and believe me, they've tried a lot."

Miller could not give any specific examples of attempts by the executive branch to do anything about it, but …

Mirror Ball Technician II

Responsibilities include 
Cleaning and dusting the mirror balls while making sure that each individual mirror is set at the proper angle for its hemisphere. 
Periodically rotate and balance the mirrors to insure that they each spin at exactly 33 and one third rpm. 
Test spin characteristics for signs of aberration.  If signs of aberration are found by the gas chronograph, that means you will need to climb into the grid and do the reflection dialysis by hand.  We want a perfect spin.  If we say, spin ball 87 at 16 rpm followed by a reverse to clockwise, that ball needs to perform as specified.  There is very little room for error as our productions are considered world class productions.
Measure the reflection characteristics under a variety of lighting sources from the standpoint of a varying degree of diffusion and color strategies vis a vis every angle the reflections need to be spot on. 

Job Requirements
       Must be compatible with a stressful and often violent work environment with …

The Jasper Brothers – Hokey or Ho-come-on-now?

You would have had to have been marooned abroad in a worsening refugee crisis not to recognize the Jasper Brothers brand.  These two legends have lit up the silver screen with so many viral hyperbusters it would be hard for anyone not to recognize every fold on their face as well as other areas on their bodies that go behind the scenes.

A typical Jasper Brother film goes in low, builds energy, drops a bit, heads for the stratosphere, rubs God in the face, then returns to earth or your own particular planet of origin safe and sound but with a bit of a catharsis to go along with your new fresh perspective that leads to better Reiche spectrums along with a heightened sense of zen awareness.

Every film by the Brothers Jasper has a registered cult following.  Filmgoers flock to these things and they recreate every detail of cinematic artistry in their living rooms.  There is even a fan-based group whose membership requires prospective joiners to recite and even act out key scenes for ever…

Resting Your Chin on the Back of Your Hand to Think May Be Causing Mental Aberrations of an Unknown Kind

We learned the posture from Auguste Rodin's aptly named The Thinker, a sculpture of a hot nude male seated, hunched over a bit, with his chin resting on the back of his hand.  We were supposed to think: AH! So that is how a person is supposed to think.  The suggestion led to the wide practice that still dominates the lithosphere of very obtuse culture. 

Originally seated atop the gates of hell, we were supposed to imagine that The Thinker in 1880 was a man who was thinking about something: but what we do not know.  Is he thinking about entering Hell?  Did he just leave and so he is a bit heady from the experience, so he thought he would stop right outside, once he got out, and just put his mind to use I guess pondering what just happened?  Was he thinking about all the awful things he had done, or was he thinking about all the awful things he would do?  Why was he frozen there in that particular pose?

Here is the problem.  Sitting like that causes striations in the atmosphere tha…

The Unfortunate Events of 2650: What you need to know for Wednesday

The Unfortunate Events of 2650 refers to a space-time anomaly that occurs sometime between 2647 and 2653 CE that prevents all time travel to and from any time destination around or after the event

It is believed that very little to no life exists beyond 2650.

The Unfortunate Events of 2650 were first discovered by Arlbrach Sonminchter in 2349 following a breakthrough exploration project called Next Millennium.  The mission was a bold initiative to travel one thousand years into the future. Sonmincher’s party only got to 2598 before their space-time beseecher malfunctioned.  At first, it was believed that the anomaly was caused by a misunderstanding of the fundamental mechanisms of space-time manipulation from the work of Walder Krandal of Apple University in Los Angeles.

Further attempts to retrace Sinmincher’s steps revealed an asymptote in the Biggs-Dizz equation, R=r/$R+B*D.  The “Great Dead End”, as the barrier was termed by notorious 25th century futurologist Twarlie Barko, has pr…

Gareth Markobi, Father of Utinselism, Comes to Sticky End While Joining the Choir Invisible

Gareth Markobi, who bears distinction as the father of the Utinselist movement that began and flourished in Montreal for at least three decades, died quietly today at his home in Menarch after an apparent incident involving bobcats. Having recently endured a very heroic courageous bout with retrostatic anal-nasal reptilian nipple herpes, the artist, poet, writer, drive-by hit-and-run social media troll, noteworthy bigamist, Braille poet, balloon organizer, bobcat activist, notary public, mud farmer, and standby acrobat was found motionless and not responding to stimuli as if for the last time. The cats involved apparently fled the scene before authorities arrived. Markobi was 98.

When the Hades agent finally arrived to return Markobi’s suit-coat, Il Coltello da Burro, as the artist was known to acquaintances, muffled on his master’s voice, chose to hide from death, and ran away in a jagged stitch as he was taught by his trickster mentor, Señor Venusitano Gustav Chagón, in order to sw…

Subtle Signs You May Be Experiencing What Experts Call a ‘Problem Marriage’

Being involved in a problem marriage can effect your life in a negative way.  These are the most reported symptoms you will notice right before sweet matrimonial bliss turns into a bitter legal nightmare:

Your spouse inconveniences you, or asks you to do something that does not immediately give you instant gratification.You want to do something, your spouse doesn’t want to do it, but your spouse won’t do it anyway.Your spouse shrugs off or disagrees with one of your suggestions.You and your spouse do not have the EXACT same needs, wants, and interests.Your spouse has a friend or coworker that is not also your friend or coworker.You find it difficult to visit with your spouse’s family.Your spouse is reluctant to attend events attended by your family.Your spouse does not feel comfortable allowing you to control every aspect of his or her life at any given time even though you have demonstrated that you are superior to all others at every endeavor.You suffer from minor stress related to …