The Unfortunate Events of 2650: What you need to know for Wednesday

The Unfortunate Events of 2650 refers to a space-time anomaly that occurs sometime between 2647 and 2653 CE that prevents all time travel to and from any time destination around or after the event

It is believed that very little to no life exists beyond 2650.

The Unfortunate Events of 2650 were first discovered by Arlbrach Sonminchter in 2349 following a breakthrough exploration project called Next Millennium.  The mission was a bold initiative to travel one thousand years into the future. Sonmincher’s party only got to 2598 before their space-time beseecher malfunctioned.  At first, it was believed that the anomaly was caused by a misunderstanding of the fundamental mechanisms of space-time manipulation from the work of Walder Krandal of Apple University in Los Angeles.

Further attempts to retrace Sinmincher’s steps revealed an asymptote in the Biggs-Dizz equation, R=r/$R+B*D.  The “Great Dead End”, as the barrier was termed by notorious 25th century futurologist Twarlie Barko, has pr…

Gareth Markobi, Father of Utinselism, Comes to Sticky End While Joining the Choir Invisible

Gareth Markobi, who bears distinction as the father of the Utinselist movement that began and flourished in Montreal for at least three decades, died quietly today at his home in Menarch after an apparent incident involving bobcats. Having recently endured a very heroic courageous bout with retrostatic anal-nasal reptilian nipple herpes, the artist, poet, writer, drive-by hit-and-run social media troll, noteworthy bigamist, Braille poet, balloon organizer, bobcat activist, notary public, mud farmer, and standby acrobat was found motionless and not responding to stimuli as if for the last time. The cats involved apparently fled the scene before authorities arrived. Markobi was 98.

When the Hades agent finally arrived to return Markobi’s suit-coat, Il Coltello da Burro, as the artist was known to acquaintances, muffled on his master’s voice, chose to hide from death, and ran away in a jagged stitch as he was taught by his trickster mentor, Señor Venusitano Gustav Chagón, in order to sw…

Subtle Signs You May Be Experiencing What Experts Call a ‘Problem Marriage’

Being involved in a problem marriage can effect your life in a negative way.  These are the most reported symptoms you will notice right before sweet matrimonial bliss turns into a bitter legal nightmare:

Your spouse inconveniences you, or asks you to do something that does not immediately give you instant gratification.You want to do something, your spouse doesn’t want to do it, but your spouse won’t do it anyway.Your spouse shrugs off or disagrees with one of your suggestions.You and your spouse do not have the EXACT same needs, wants, and interests.Your spouse has a friend or coworker that is not also your friend or coworker.You find it difficult to visit with your spouse’s family.Your spouse is reluctant to attend events attended by your family.Your spouse does not feel comfortable allowing you to control every aspect of his or her life at any given time even though you have demonstrated that you are superior to all others at every endeavor.You suffer from minor stress related to …

Aborting Mistakes

“You killed your baby marshmallow breath,” yelled a mopish protester in a swinging paisley skirt resting a sign on her shoulder that read ‘pray to end abortion’, standing on the sidewalk adjacent to Bordella Women’s Clinic on Old Main.  There was a faint hint of Baby’s Breath in the air.
     “I saved it for the doctor, who is the one who killed it and deserves the credit,” blonde Marcy replied in her famous white blouse, “then he hacked it to pieces, thanks for asking.”    
     This was more than the pro-life activists had ever heard in their stand-in-the-corner lives, created a shock wave that formed a gallop down the center of the aisle of brazen Jane Roe reactionaries added to little selfish squints of baron spinsters and filthy old men who had nothing better to do.  The disorganized herd of faith-based jackals, as recorded elsewhere, began waxing self-righteous.  One woman in the group had a scowl on her face that rivaled horn-rimmed Satan.
     “You won’t be so proud when…

How To Bowl With Worn Out Leftover Crystal Balls


Dag blasted, bowling balls are downright expensive!  The union workers who manufacture bowling balls are stingy little dream killers, charging as much as twenty dollars per finger hole while they get paid to take naps when they’re not doddling around the water cooler (if they even bother showing up that day).  There are five holes in a bowling ball I think and each corresponds to a single digit.  By the time they do the math for you, you are paying $499.95 plus insurance for a bored out spherical rock.

Listen carefully: that does not include a carrying bag.  You can’t just palm this thing while you’re out getting groceries, you need a special bag that is made by a whole other set of workers who are doing their level best to dismantle capitalism as part of an international revolution, starting with bowling and the sport of bowling I think by the looks of it anyway.

I won’t pay it.  I won’t be bothering those people anymore, as my father says.  I will instead be making my own. …

Just Who the Fuck is Jules Trellis?

It is well known in literary circles that Jules Trellis and myself are not bedfellows.  We are perhaps at the polar ends of the political and religious spectrum – he is a state apologist opportunist hack war criminal and I am a fervent seeker of the truth who stops at nothing to rend the facts from the myopic madness that is post-modern society.  Trellis and I are as blood and water, not likely to mix unless Stephen King is writing his adolescent fantasies.

I do not want to let my learned prowess prejudice or cloud your own democratic interpretation of the man.  So, lets examine and find out: just who is Jules Trellis?

Trellis was born in Nuevo Manhattan when that was still a thing that was being done just shy of 50 years ago.  Since dropping out of school at age 17, he has been a mainstay in the editorial section of your daily newspaper – his op-eds are syndicated in 250 key languages throughout the galaxy.  The son of time merchants, he is also the great-great-great grandchild of H…

The Lady In The Purse: Chapter II

(continued from Chapter I)


Front Entry

You are standing outside the front of a door.  On a table, nearby, sits a glass of clear liquid upon a golden saucer.  The Lady in the Purse is currently bathing in the cup, and she begins singing an annoying rendition of a Bee Gees song.  You are looking toward the west wall which is cheaply designed with gold plated crustaceans next to a painting of silver-plated glasses filled with what appears to be red wine!


You wait a few minutes, noticing some intricate rococo guild on the opposite wall that looks provincial, but not in a good-bad way which, upon thinking it over, you realize that makes it better-worse.

The Lady in the Purse calls out from behind you, “I am ready, darling.  Oh, I do feel much better, I’ll feel even better when I get out of here.  Yeah, I can’t get out of a cup, huh.  I took a bath in 8 ounces of water.  Well… I think it is water.  It is odorless, and it does have a specific weight of 1.  I remember that …