Behind the Undertaker's Door

This week our team visits Green’s Funeral Home on Highway 38 and Folsom Blvd.  At this location, Green offers complete world-class afterlife packages for as little as $38,995.  With a convenient onsite crematoria boasting a 100% guarantee not to accidentally destroy any souls, you can feel secure knowing whoever you send Green's will be safely waiting for you if/when you die*.

The facility, which also boasts of a 900 acre legacy grave lawn that has a whopping capacity of 250,000 plots, has been in the family for 798 years.  So so no way you’ll be conned by undead body snatchers who pretend to arrange the viewing. Then later, when the event arrives you find that all they did was eat the remains and the soul-protection was not eligible to take effect at the time. 

“My great aunt Hilda told me that a long time a gone,” said Martha Green, chief output manager at the site, “watch out, she says, baby girl, he says, this here ain’t new money you looking at, that’s for sure.  I says, wel…

The Parson Speaks: In a Crepe For a Nightshade

I had a nest egg so I started getting enlightened.  In pursuit of this goal, I found myself at Crab Park.  I was in a field of nut trees and crabgrass bounded by a ring of hemlock on the city's northwest side all amid chirping of some feisty blue jays (I believe someone must have been feeding them). I had driven myself there carefully in the morning mist in early May 2008 to meet the guru of an old forgotten friend, Frater Tom, who had found enlightenment in this very park.      Frater Tom offered to share his gift with me (even though I am a freelance woman) with an introduction to his guide Parson Penistone. The Parson and I arranged to meet over a period of 3 months, finally we were able to make time in our busy schedules to arrive at an appointment. As that time arrived, I couldn’t help feel nervous and excited all at the same time. The wind picked up a little.      Parson Penistone, a European-extracted 84, has a shallow face and piercing eyes jutting from sharpened…

The Cult Club

That’s why I joined The Cult.  The Cult Club, where people meet and have a good time talking about having more good times at a later date until they die and new people take their place on a spaceship.  That is the motto that drew me like a Scottish eye-rub to the inner-circle.

The leader of The Cult James Iam Zumdoby was born in Wittstack, Pennsylvania.  That is how he came to meet The Sky Cartographer, Evenlyn Gray.  Gray transcribed some conversations with God in the hills during the full moon of the Ayatollah in January 1979*  and gave them to Uncle James, as everyone called him, for safe keeping until the end of time.

The nature of the organization was spelled out like so: we are not actually a cult but we call ourselves The Cult ironically to see who gets to join by the way they respond to initiation in what potential members believe to be openly advertising as a cult.  At the time, it made perfect sensee but I lost the vision with that sentence a while ag0.

The way it was expla…

You’re Dead To Me Pest Control Disowns Bugs

You have bugs, don’t hide it like I used to.  When you want to be rid of them, what happens?  They come back every time land five legs upside down in your garlic toast.  For God sakes, do what I do, call You’re Dead To Me Pest Control today.

They live in your house and they won’t leave your empty pizza boxes alone.  They reproduce there and fly at you on lonely summer nights when the cats are sleeping!  Holy goddamn shit!  That’s not helping you live the good life, or is it?  Not to me it ain’t.

Ever have a bug get on your food?  Ever see an ant mob riot on some forsaken locust then maintain a careful supply line as they hack pieces off it with their rine-corn teeth before they double time it back to the nest ramps with guts and antenni bulging from their backpack-saddle?

Get some bug spray that doesn’t kill bugs – it makes them feel guilty about the situation of their lives.  That way they stay hidden in the baseboards. 

We use a patented revolutionary process called grasslighting, … Threatens Public Figures With Death for $5.99 per month

A new social media site was launched this week by Holduperus, Inc. that will send life-threatening messages to hated public figures.  Harnold Miller, who walked me through the prospectus at a barista on 22nd and Vine, explained carefully how he and colleagues noticed that common people secretly dislike model citizens and public leaders, they are jealous and feel betrayed by society because they are not them.  The everydays wear that contempt like armor and marketers see its greenish-blue aura from their boardrooms.

"It's kind of like toxic jealousy for adults," said Miller, chomping down on brisket with a sliced pickle hanging out of his lip, "you see it all the time on social media.  It's called harassment or trolling.  Presidents of U.S. have not been able to stop it, no matter how hard they've tried, and believe me, they've tried a lot."

Miller could not give any specific examples of attempts by the executive branch to do anything about it, but …

Mirror Ball Technician II

Responsibilities include 
Cleaning and dusting the mirror balls while making sure that each individual mirror is set at the proper angle for its hemisphere. 
Periodically rotate and balance the mirrors to insure that they each spin at exactly 33 and one third rpm. 
Test spin characteristics for signs of aberration.  If signs of aberration are found by the gas chronograph, that means you will need to climb into the grid and do the reflection dialysis by hand.  We want a perfect spin.  If we say, spin ball 87 at 16 rpm followed by a reverse to clockwise, that ball needs to perform as specified.  There is very little room for error as our productions are considered world class productions.
Measure the reflection characteristics under a variety of lighting sources from the standpoint of a varying degree of diffusion and color strategies vis a vis every angle the reflections need to be spot on. 

Job Requirements
       Must be compatible with a stressful and often violent work environment with …

The Jasper Brothers – Hokey or Ho-come-on-now?

You would have had to have been marooned abroad in a worsening refugee crisis not to recognize the Jasper Brothers brand.  These two legends have lit up the silver screen with so many viral hyperbusters it would be hard for anyone not to recognize every fold on their face as well as other areas on their bodies that go behind the scenes.

A typical Jasper Brother film goes in low, builds energy, drops a bit, heads for the stratosphere, rubs God in the face, then returns to earth or your own particular planet of origin safe and sound but with a bit of a catharsis to go along with your new fresh perspective that leads to better Reiche spectrums along with a heightened sense of zen awareness.

Every film by the Brothers Jasper has a registered cult following.  Filmgoers flock to these things and they recreate every detail of cinematic artistry in their living rooms.  There is even a fan-based group whose membership requires prospective joiners to recite and even act out key scenes for ever…