Resting Your Chin on the Back of Your Hand to Think May Be Causing Mental Aberrations of an Unknown Kind

We learned the posture from Auguste Rodin's aptly named The Thinker, a sculpture of a hot nude male seated, hunched over a bit, with his chin resting on the back of his hand.  We were supposed to think: AH! So that is how a person is supposed to think.  The suggestion led to the wide practice that still dominates the lithosphere of very obtuse culture. 

Originally seated atop the gates of hell, we were supposed to imagine that The Thinker in 1880 was a man who was thinking about something: but what we do not know.  Is he thinking about entering Hell?  Did he just leave and so he is a bit heady from the experience, so he thought he would stop right outside, once he got out, and just put his mind to use I guess pondering what just happened?  Was he thinking about all the awful things he had done, or was he thinking about all the awful things he would do?  Why was he frozen there in that particular pose?

Here is the problem.  Sitting like that causes striations in the atmosphere tha…

The Unfortunate Events of 2650: What you need to know for Wednesday

The Unfortunate Events of 2650 refers to a space-time anomaly that occurs sometime between 2647 and 2653 CE that prevents all time travel to and from any time destination around or after the event

It is believed that very little to no life exists beyond 2650.

The Unfortunate Events of 2650 were first discovered by Arlbrach Sonminchter in 2349 following a breakthrough exploration project called Next Millennium.  The mission was a bold initiative to travel one thousand years into the future. Sonmincher’s party only got to 2598 before their space-time beseecher malfunctioned.  At first, it was believed that the anomaly was caused by a misunderstanding of the fundamental mechanisms of space-time manipulation from the work of Walder Krandal of Apple University in Los Angeles.

Further attempts to retrace Sinmincher’s steps revealed an asymptote in the Biggs-Dizz equation, R=r/$R+B*D.  The “Great Dead End”, as the barrier was termed by notorious 25th century futurologist Twarlie Barko, has pr…

Gareth Markobi, Father of Utinselism, Comes to Sticky End While Joining the Choir Invisible

Gareth Markobi, who bears distinction as the father of the Utinselist movement that began and flourished in Montreal for at least three decades, died quietly today at his home in Menarch after an apparent incident involving bobcats. Having recently endured a very heroic courageous bout with retrostatic anal-nasal reptilian nipple herpes, the artist, poet, writer, drive-by hit-and-run social media troll, noteworthy bigamist, Braille poet, balloon organizer, bobcat activist, notary public, mud farmer, and standby acrobat was found motionless and not responding to stimuli as if for the last time. The cats involved apparently fled the scene before authorities arrived. Markobi was 98.

When the Hades agent finally arrived to return Markobi’s suit-coat, Il Coltello da Burro, as the artist was known to acquaintances, muffled on his master’s voice, chose to hide from death, and ran away in a jagged stitch as he was taught by his trickster mentor, Señor Venusitano Gustav Chagón, in order to sw…

Subtle Signs You May Be Experiencing What Experts Call a ‘Problem Marriage’

Being involved in a problem marriage can effect your life in a negative way.  These are the most reported symptoms you will notice right before sweet matrimonial bliss turns into a bitter legal nightmare:

Your spouse inconveniences you, or asks you to do something that does not immediately give you instant gratification.You want to do something, your spouse doesn’t want to do it, but your spouse won’t do it anyway.Your spouse shrugs off or disagrees with one of your suggestions.You and your spouse do not have the EXACT same needs, wants, and interests.Your spouse has a friend or coworker that is not also your friend or coworker.You find it difficult to visit with your spouse’s family.Your spouse is reluctant to attend events attended by your family.Your spouse does not feel comfortable allowing you to control every aspect of his or her life at any given time even though you have demonstrated that you are superior to all others at every endeavor.You suffer from minor stress related to …

Aborting Mistakes

“You killed your baby marshmallow breath,” yelled a mopish protester in a swinging paisley skirt resting a sign on her shoulder that read ‘pray to end abortion’, standing on the sidewalk adjacent to Bordella Women’s Clinic on Old Main.  There was a faint hint of Baby’s Breath in the air.
     “I saved it for the doctor, who is the one who killed it and deserves the credit,” blonde Marcy replied in her famous white blouse, “then he hacked it to pieces, thanks for asking.”    
     This was more than the pro-life activists had ever heard in their stand-in-the-corner lives, created a shock wave that formed a gallop down the center of the aisle of brazen Jane Roe reactionaries added to little selfish squints of baron spinsters and filthy old men who had nothing better to do.  The disorganized herd of faith-based jackals, as recorded elsewhere, began waxing self-righteous.  One woman in the group had a scowl on her face that rivaled horn-rimmed Satan.
     “You won’t be so proud when…

How To Bowl With Worn Out Leftover Crystal Balls


Dag blasted, bowling balls are downright expensive!  The union workers who manufacture bowling balls are stingy little dream killers, charging as much as twenty dollars per finger hole while they get paid to take naps when they’re not doddling around the water cooler (if they even bother showing up that day).  There are five holes in a bowling ball I think and each corresponds to a single digit.  By the time they do the math for you, you are paying $499.95 plus insurance for a bored out spherical rock.

Listen carefully: that does not include a carrying bag.  You can’t just palm this thing while you’re out getting groceries, you need a special bag that is made by a whole other set of workers who are doing their level best to dismantle capitalism as part of an international revolution, starting with bowling and the sport of bowling I think by the looks of it anyway.

I won’t pay it.  I won’t be bothering those people anymore, as my father says.  I will instead be making my own. …

Just Who the Fuck is Jules Trellis?

It is well known in literary circles that Jules Trellis and myself are not bedfellows.  We are perhaps at the polar ends of the political and religious spectrum – he is a state apologist opportunist hack war criminal and I am a fervent seeker of the truth who stops at nothing to rend the facts from the myopic madness that is post-modern society.  Trellis and I are as blood and water, not likely to mix unless Stephen King is writing his adolescent fantasies.

I do not want to let my learned prowess prejudice or cloud your own democratic interpretation of the man.  So, lets examine and find out: just who is Jules Trellis?

Trellis was born in Nuevo Manhattan when that was still a thing that was being done just shy of 50 years ago.  Since dropping out of school at age 17, he has been a mainstay in the editorial section of your daily newspaper – his op-eds are syndicated in 250 key languages throughout the galaxy.  The son of time merchants, he is also the great-great-great grandchild of H…