The Chronicles of Granny In The Bed

Dr. Ostentatious Doxy showed up in Cedar Rapids the other day to deliver his scathing commentary in response to Dr. Steady's most recent speech.   "This has gone on long enough," said Dr. Doxy while looking around the parking lot for his keys he dropped or lost and we never found out which, "Dr. Steady is out of control!  She needs to tone down her rhetoric as part of a three point plan for improvement." Dr. Doxy spelled out the points for the audience at the Arbor Glen Park Family Fiarre. "I want to announce, today, at the Arbor Glen Park Family Fiarre that Ich Bin Ein Berliner!" said Dr. Doxy, "I am just like you, so everybody listen.  Can you hear me in the back of the lot?  There are some keys out there somewhere, if you find them, the address is on the fob.  I SAID IT IS ON THE FOB!" "Dr. Steady is just as bad as Dr. Foxy.  She is ramping up her rhetoric. Up and up. Well, I say, ramp down that rhetoric.  Here is a hint, maybe don

Below is a transcript of a speech delivered by Dr. Mary Steady of the Archana Research Department of the Trilogy Center Column: "We can't go on together with suspicious minds.  This has to end today.  You KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU FOOLS!" "A nation cannot go on like this.  When you have one person holding up justice - when you have two states.  Now, we are a divided state, and it is caused by one man and the idiots who support him." "I am not talking about myself.  I am talking about none other than you-know-who I mean.  He lives in our society like a germ.  He is a sudsy virus taking up a stubborn residence in the pristine cavities of a nasal nativity.  This is an EXISTENTIAL CRISIS you TERRIBLY BLIND masses!" "I cannot no longer stand this!  We cannot have two narratives.  It is going to derail us on the long leg of the trip.  It is fixing to explode in the caboose!  We have to do something to stop it.  We can no longer pretend ou

Dr. Foxy will show up in Salt Lake City this weekend to try and come up with a solution to a problem the noted Doctor of All Things has been working on for decades. "I've worked on this project for 20 years," said Dr. Foxy waiting in line for the confessional at Harley's Bible Church College resort room, "so, I haven't found anything out.  That led me to think, this is a real nut to crack, Dr. Foxy." "And the problem is, I can't get it across to anyone," said the Furley Carpenter Gerkin Prize winner three years running while his hands were busy doing overtime, "is that people are just basically not there.  And when they are not there, they are also not here.  I think that is the part people have trouble with." "Dr. Foxy said we're not here," said Hernatisky Bogardowski, fierce party lead of the Foxy Partisans Salt Lake City Chapter 17, "so why are you speaking to me?" "I'm not a person," said

"I've reached the point where I do not have to be concerned about my future because it is already set," explained Dr. Foxy at the community kiosk on Fortage Street, "I have been there, I have seen it, and there is no longer any sort of requirement that I do anything.  In other words, I have it made." Chiropractor Dr. Doxy who was in the audience as usual had a few comments to make after the broadcast performance on a 5x5 stage. "That was a soapbox," said Dr. Doxy, grabbing at his thighs to wipe off the grease from an over made City Burger, which has a promotion, you buy one City Burger, you get your second City Burger at regular price plus a little more, "I just came to eat, I had no idea Rudimentis would be giving a talk, that old windstalker." "Here is what I mean," said Dr. Foxy, as the cars whistled by going down Fortage to the onramp, "I, unlike you, have enough foresight that I have seen the next 100 years.  I don't t

Dr. Foxy is going to be at the Rite Aid in Altoona next Arthurday.  You may be asking, well, what is he doing there?  Well, I will tell you.  Just calm down for a second.  You're rushing me. Dr. Foxy stands as the only man in the world who could possibly save the planet and the moon.  "The moon is often forgotten about," said Dr. Foxy, "because it is not always there, is it?  Just goes to show you, you better show up and pray with a full light.  I want to tell the people that prayer does work.  Despite the pundits who say, look, no it doesn't.  Well, not for them it doesn't.  Just like the half-moon, everybody including Gods forget who we are talking about." "But, you have to save the moon too.  You can't just save the earth.  Think about the tides and things.  Think about the TIDES AND THINGS you FOOLS!" There is a lot of confusion among the Foxy Partisans, and Dr. Foxy says the speech in Altoona will give the perfect opportunity to shed s

The Doctor of All Things, Dr. Rudimentis Foxy, was on stage at Keloland Circustown Arena Friday after sunset to spread the message he has wanted to for years.  His keynote message was a firebrand against arrogance. "I came to see Dr. Foxy," said a watcher who sat in a seat on the floor of the auditorium, "so, that is why I am here." "Dr. Foxy is in Keloland," said a side piece after raising his hand and being acknowledged to speak.   There was a harsh tone as Dr. Foxy asked all men to leave their women and children at the home front doing chores.  Meanwhile, a team of Foxy loyalists took everyone's phones (many complained they were never returned, Dr. Foxy commented later, "that is the way it goes.") "I came out to listen to what Dr. Foxy is going to describe," said some t-shirt around the back row, "so, that is why I showed.  I don't know about everyone else, I've never met them.  The crowd is unknown to one another.&q

Dr. Foxy was at the border Friday before sunset to discuss his concerns that billionaires don't get enough attention or respect.  He pointed to a Times article that made the wild, and in Dr. Foxy's opinion completely untrue, claim that members of the capital elite are fudging their numbers - some have even claimed they have zero.  Others pointed out the banks are all in the red everyday they are in business (despite the fact it is illegal to say this). "You can't go around saying that billionaires don't have 87 billion, 92 billion, 12 billion, whatever billion.  Make sure it's not trillions, I get that.  But, make sure you say, oh, such and such, who has xx billion. Don't just say such and such.  That sends a red flag," Dr. Foxy spoke before a morning rush crowd at a busy intersection. "People with wealth have to be flouted with high numbers.  Quit saying those numbers are not true, or made up, or fabricated.  I don't like it when I hear someo