Showing posts from 2013

A Dead-End, Hopeless Journey is Waiting For You At [Company Name]

Our recruiters are currently seeking highly-intelligent, highly-motivated, highly-skilled, highly-recommended, and highly-attractive individuals to work under the shittiest conditions for one of the worst salaries and the worst benefits package in the galaxy.
Putting employees first
[Company Name] is a family company with headquarters in [City].Employing over a billion peasants and between 30 and 36 noblemen on 12 planets, in 2,196 countries, our agents speak 62,000 languages in 428,000 dialects.It is our mission to trek across the universe and sell something that someone else made to someone else, giving an invoice to all parties involved.We specialize in bullshitting government as well as our customers and clients - but of all the people that we bullshit, rest assured that our employees come first.
Qualifications: PhD in Mathematics PhD in English PhD in Biology Post-Doctorate in Computer Science 28+ years experience filching Nobel Prize, Peace preferred but not necessary for conside…

New App Makes Liars’ Jeans Catch Fire

New app delivers honesty with burning consequences; Faculty at Flagstaff religious school perish; Philosophy professor explains the Hegelian dialectic, few understand what he meant; Just in time for the holidays.

Smack Dab - This week Silicon Valley's leading hipster global think-tank Bird Bees Digital (BRDB) announced the upcoming launch of its newest vehicle Hotpants ($0.99, Android and iOS, available December 20), an app that ignites trouser and skirt hems of those speaking falsely within a 5 meter radius of the user. 
The beta version of the app, launched this month, has raised concern most notably among clergy and lawmakers, who have stated that Hotpants will shut down church and state, as we know it, indefinitely. 
"You must reeelize," said Senator Morgan Morgan (F-WI), "every truth in our society is based on a series of blatant, outright, and profound lies.It is pandemonium on demand, is what it is.If we, as elite bureaucrats, cannot smooth over the rough edg…

Space Alien Youth Bullied At An Alarming Rate, Study Says

3,000,000 alien egg siblings coming of age across globe; bullying of sea youth by insecure humans on the rise; Christians will take up arms and destroy society; Antichrist to be born in Smack Dab tonight; outlook: gloom.
Ocean babies

Blinsy Maalork along with 2,999,999 sibling eggs traveled to earth in a mother ship originating from Taibl, a level three hyperplanet believed to be in the reaches of the Arp 220 collision trail 77,000 parsecs from Earth.To give you some perspective, when she began her trip, the earth was three weeks old - a flaming hairball of itself.
Half a billion years later, the space eggs fell randomly across Earth’s oceans during the Hadean eon, and quickly sank to the seafloor.Known to the ancients for making whimsical garden ornaments, the orbs were considered fossils until about 12 years ago when scientists began to notice the alien eggs were turning up on beaches and hatching into apparently normal Earth babies that seemed to take care of themselves, dwelling in …

New Algorithm Causes Outrage

Computer takes over galaxy; Arthur Front and company strenuously protest; Still nothing specific about the meaning of it all.

Death Valley - Predictive Analytics (PA), the new buzzword often heard across the boardroom din, does not always find what is obvious.It often finds traumatic and awful news about the exact fate of all mankind.This happens so often, in fact, that some math PhD’s have been known to scream in horror before and after calculating certain formulas.Scientists are on edge and not sure where to put their microscopes or when to look in them for fear of being frightened to the very depths of their beings.
In one poignant example of PA’s odd power, a model created by a team of 5th graders in the North Carolina hills reportedly is able to determine the meaning of life by analyzing the blanks between words and inside of letters like ‘o’ and ‘e’ in biblical scrolls.They were able to determine exactly what the whole point is but would not comment further.However, all seem to …

Tertiary Computers Find Model Number of Anatomically Modern Humans (AMH)

Tertiary computers in Alabama discover model number of mankind; baseless numbers used to decipher “language” of the universe.
Tuscaloosa – Jerry Semko and Marvin Bathwaiter have used tertiary computers to discover the universal model number of Homo sapiens sapiens.  The identifyer, A16, has led Semko and Bathwaiter to conclude that there are a limited number of humanoid subspecies created by +1, which they believe to be the mitochondrial name of God, because of the relatively low value that they say is unusual for model numbers in the astronomical sphere.

Do Loop
“If we assume an alphanumeric system, A16 is way up there on the list, it could very well represent the 16th copy of the original.That is, there may be 16 Adams and 16 Eves or just one and that is the copy that was copied, including the snapshot of the online owner’s manual that was lost during the positron event of 2800 BCE.It is also possible that a Do Loop in the human source code could be approaching infinity.” said France…

How To Write a How To Blog about Blogging

There is no denying it - the information age is upon us.Certainly one of the most exciting trends is blogging.With over thirty million blogs worldwide and the fact that two new blogs are created every second, web users are bombarded with blog options.This may be a problem because you may feel sad if no one is reading your blog.You may also be dealing with the unfortunate situation that occurs when you’re not a celebrity.So, then, how does one navigate in such indifferent waters?

If you’re like most of us, you have no idea what to write about, neither the capacity nor the attention span.One way to avoid the frustration is to write a meta blog that offers tips for writing a blog. Make a list

1.Enumerate, enumerate, enumerate. 2.Experts say making a list is the simplest way to turn your unorganized jumble of pointers into coherence even if your ideas are, let’s face it, not that compelling. 3.Get used to the idea that no one, including you, has anything new to say – everything has alread…