Showing posts from 2015

The Nadir of Disenchantment

Awww! Things did not work out the way they were supposed to work out. Awww! Frown, saddy face boo hoo, events did not go as planned! The outcome was not 100% of what it was arranged to be! Oh my word! Oh my God!! This is not fantastic. The rain is in my eyes.
After all the planning. After all that planning that was done! Oh lamentations! After all that thought that was put into the process that led to the failure! It was so much. It was worse than anything to see it all burned on a pyre.
Planning, planning, planning, next thing, working, then not finishing because of something not working! One or two things, possibly three, were not as they were supposed to be. We did a survey ahead of time, to scout for possible issues related to things causing a failure. Well, come to find out, we missed some of those items on the list. Our pencil must have slighted over the check box without a second thought.
Now everything is on the ground. Fire and sparks are all that'…

Weirdos From History In Hot Water

Most data has been lost from the Postmodern Age.  What digital sources we have are fragments, unmindful p's and q's, altered instagrams, combined with the oppression of 1024-byte hyper-encryption that would take 13.6 billion light years to decode using every universal Turing maching [sic] known to have existed since 1850 AD, including every carpet loom ever devised.  Time friction eliminates the possibility of utilizing a universal Wells machine or the straddling of space time.  This is not something to scoff at, no matter what your political standings might happen to be.

Thousands of Ultra Age religious organizations have sprung up who are finding truth in Postmodern and Ancient sources.  When a small amount of truth is found, it is quickly augmented with a mash of Ancient mustard and a few sprigs of Postmodern lettuce that have been lying around, plus a smidgeon of honey from the current Ultra Age that spreads easily, like the sage advice to never trust anyone, not even fi…

Artur Front: Insisted That His Name Be Included In The Title

By Artur Front

Few people disgust me more than Shency Basherdall, the man who so callously ruined the grunge scene forever so that children these days have no idea what Eddie Vedder looks like.  Perhaps what is most disturbing, and has led to many jarring, dreary hours in the death grip of a sweaty nightmare, with Basherdall's face dangling above my bed Wizard of Oz style, gaping, teeth bent, is that Basherdall acts like he is not a bad omen for all of mankind and not even a monstrosity from space when it is so obviously clear that he is just exactly that.  Hanging over my bed, transparent and huge Basherdall's face has an all-knowing stare that shows, on the vanilla wafers that represent his actual brain cells, a stupidity that rivals the former producer of the Bill Hillenberystamp radio program.  This is nonsense compounded to the eighth tetration!

I was able to fool Basherdall, that vile degenerate, into allowing me to interview him at my big studio on the outskirts of Cl…

Sword Lobby Says More Swords Would Help

An open letter from Arnold Foldens, President of the International Sword Association:

Dear Friend,
We are seeing violence escalating in the streets of America.  We are witnessing, at the same time, a global crisis of local and foreign terrorists who are bent on destroying our freedom.  This has led law enforcement, politicians, clergymen, jocks, brains, class clowns, weirdos, band geeks, emos, average Joes, and other good people to ask, what can be done about it?  How can we, as a supposed free people, stamp out this epidemic that threatens the very lives of our unborn babies?
The answers are not readily available.  The cowards that carry out these atrocities are not human beings.  They do not have a moral compass.  They are likely to continue unleashing their heinous designs on society until well after the end of time. 
A ban on guns would not be effective - the bad guys will always find a way to get their vile hands on a firearm.  As we have seen in countries like England, where gu…

New Found Poem Sparks Interest in Pre-Apocalyptic Times

One, two, three, four, Five, six, seven, eight,  Schlameal Schlamazel,  Hazzen Pfeffer Incorporated We are going to do it Give us any chance we will take it Read us any rule we will break it We are going to make our dreams come true Doing it our way Nothing is going to turn us back now Straight ahead and on the track now We are going to make our dreams come true Doing it our way There is nothing we will not try  Never heard the word impossible This time there is no stopping us We are going to do it On your mark get set and go now Got a dream and we just know now We are going to make that dream come true And we will do it our way Yes our way Make all our dreams come true And we will do it our way Yes our way Make all our dreams come true For me and you!
                                                                             -courtesy: the trash seekers
Smack Dab - A new lyrical poem has turned up in the trash heaps that surround city hall that may explain what happened before the…

Embedded Journalism From Hell

If you ever rowed out in the wake waiting on God's mercy, been swallowed by a beast of the sea,  and decided instead, at that moment, to embark trading your soul to Lucifer for liquid fungible real-world assets, then you know it is not an easy voyage to navigate.  Yet, for centuries the mainstream media has portrayed the psycho-marine transaction as nothing less than smooth sailing.

As early as next week, the headlines for the Fox Sun Times Glob will read Selling Soul to Satan Never Easier.  In this and other plethora of glamourized, dramatized, and sensationalized articles, Satan appears well-dressed with papers, pen, and notary public.  Everything the damned ever wanted or could dream of wanting is handed over in all its ridiculous Hollywood fluffery.  If only that depiction were accurate, we would all have good reason to breath a sigh of relief.

However, few are brave enough to mention the truth: namely that it often takes Hell six months to reply to a request for soul realign…

Ten Things To Do With Your Garage

Park a car there - Sometimes the way something is supposed to be used is the way you should use it.  The default value is sometimes the best.  So just stop being a rebel and park your Vespa in the garage, and go to bed.  Now you don't have to worry - you're just like everyone else.  That will help you sleep.Start a cult - Let's face it, alright?  Mainstream and fundamentalist religion zealots are off their proverbial rockers.  Either way does not matter.  Pulpit jockeys throw on a suit and tie before they preach in the limelight.  That is the attire of a business man and the venue of a clown.  The collection plate now accepts paypal and bitcoin.  I know, I know, it was all foretold in their own book.  It is said that it won't end well.  Still, it makes you think, perhaps a doomsday cult is just the thing you need to jumpstart your white vanilla sex life.Build a computer - Take a page from Bill Hewett and Dave Packard.  Use that car space to create a digital revolution.…

Ten Rules of The Yeti

1.  Always obscure your footprints. 2.  Never let a human photograph you unless you are safely out-of-focus. 3.  Stay in places that humans never live or go, like snowy mountains. 4.  Develope ingenious ways of avoiding humans like quickly walking away in a very lunging, determined manner, maybe glancing over your shoulder conspicuously. 5.  Graze on bark and snow. 6.  Bury your feces and urine. 7.  No fires. 8.  Use your psychic abilities to predict the future of humankind but do not publish the information. 9.  Do not wear snow boots. 10. Do not ever wear snow boots. 11. Always follow both rules 9 and 10 amorously.

Pop Musicians Are A Menace That Threaten All Humankind

The monarchy, as well as all popular music, have been full of empty, broken promises since before the birth of recording.  Yet, unlike politicians, musicians and royals are not held accountable for their social manipulation.  Even the Pope is given a bad rap, while Phil Collins gets off scot free.

In 1985, Collins published what some consider to be the most politically charged music video in history when he released Land of Confusion to rave reviews.  Jules Trellis, in an op-ed for the Sun Times Courier had this to say: "Never has music been so revealing and life-changing.  I have sold all my possessions and purchased a pearl: the music catalog of one Philip David Charles Collins, PVO."

One has to look no further than the lyrics to find out that the legions of fans who jammed out regularly to the tune are clueless if they believe the song has any meaning.

"There's too many men making too many problems and not much love to go around."

So, the question is, what …

Write A Letter Right Now To Mr. Wright

A retrospective by Eloise Beech

     Fall is banging its church bells again, ringing in the ruins of society.  The seas are rolling a peachy green, and the mindset of every day living is falling further and further into the lurch that is a violent end-game deathgrip.  Case in point: my postman does not have a university degree.      Now you say wait a minute.  Hold on.  Are you attacking the fine institutions that churn out sadistic grave robbing cannibals at least twice a year?  Are you daring to be pretentious enough to say, look, college costs too much money to be of any use:  it is an elitist den-shoppe.  It is a baker's dozen of pure Calvanist machismo hopped up on almighty scratch to itch the grindstone with employee garnish.  Are you actually denigrating those campuses?      I have this to say:  I am doing exactly that.  Are you going to do something about it?  Are you upset that I said it?  Are you really going to pursue this line of the balls-ass blatant?       Whoever didn&…

Why Failure? = Success!

Last time we taught you what homeless beggars do with your spare change.  The response to that article caused three fires in our server warehouse that are still unaccounted for and continue to be an ongoing struggle against time and space.  Some have gathered super-intelligence and have morphed into hyper-beings easily capable of world destruction.  Our techies are really earning their scratch this week but prove to be, really, when all things are considered, not capable of doing anything that is not by-the-book.  Now we have even more ado before we get on with it.

All of that being said, we still want to cash in on the viral craze.  So, we wrote a follow-up article.  A follow-up article is a tool used by bloggers to fill in the billowing white clouds in their sprawling editorial calendars.  It is a way to bother online readers and run as many frilly and misdirected ads under their tawdry noses before they scoff away to google about hillbilly trivia or how to boil an egg.  Yet it rem…

Things a Bum Will Probably Do With Your Spare Change

1.  Buy 50 gallons of gas and burn a Baptist Church.
2.  Get a hotel room and masturbate on Gideon's bible.
3.  Make an initial deposit in a bank account that offers a promotion for opening a new account, never use the account, then close the account once the probationary period is passed and the promotional bait is received.  This is effectively taking advantage of the very trustworthy banking firm.
4.  Buy a camera and film police brutally murder an unarmed minority being charged with one crime: resisting arrest.  We will learn later on the news that police were only doing their best and the victim had a history of expressing human dignity which aroused the sadism in the arresting officer.  Law enforcement, being white men with a few odd tokens of diversity, will be fully exonerated in the incident and be given paid leave.  
5.  Stage a military coup in a country that hasn't been heard from lately in order to turn the public mind away from a more important societal issue or pers…