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Sword Lobby Says More Swords Would Help

An open letter from Arnold Foldens, President of the International Sword Association:

Dear Friend,

We are seeing violence escalating in the streets of America.  We are witnessing, at the same time, a global crisis of local and foreign terrorists who are bent on destroying our freedom.  This has led law enforcement, politicians, clergymen, jocks, brains, class clowns, weirdos, band geeks, emos, average Joes, and other good people to ask, what can be done about it?  How can we, as a supposed free people, stamp out this epidemic that threatens the very lives of our unborn babies?

The answers are not readily available.  The cowards that carry out these atrocities are not human beings.  They do not have a moral compass.  They are likely to continue unleashing their heinous designs on society until well after the end of time. 

A ban on guns would not be effective - the bad guys will always find a way to get their vile hands on a firearm.  As we have seen in countries like England, where guns are banned, we see significant crime reductions and much less violence.  However, then you would have people who talk like sissies all the time, and prance around too much, and bent wristing it like no tomorrow.

No.  We need less John Waters and more John Waynes.  We must continue to produce millions of guns every day, in addition to many more grenades.  That is true.  But what I am proposing goes much further than even Wayne LaPierre would even dare - my proposal is to arm every citizen in the United States, what is left of it, with a sword.  With a sword, if a bad guy starts any trouble, a good guy with a sword could come in there, with his armor, and just go to town.  

No need to buy expensive bullets that may explode at any minute.  At most, a sword must be sharpened by a licensed sword technician once every three months with moderate usage, but that's about it.

School children could learn to sword fight.  It could be a class in middle school.  Well, think about it.  Middle school does not teach too many things worth learning.  When was the last time you used a volcano that you made for 7th grade science fair?  Never.  It is a waste of time and baking soda.  With sword fighting, you could measure the strength of students and decide who would best be chosen to go across seas to murder people who mess around town in my country ('tis of thee).

No one will be safe until every man, woman, and child who is not a refugee from a war we started for dubious reasons is armed with a sword and scabbard.  We need the scabbards too.  It is a package deal.  It would be foolish to give everyone a sword and forget to sell them a scabbard to go with it.

We may also consider bayonets and even daggers.  Machetes and chainsaws are optional.  We should not forget daggers, and good old Bowie knives are sometimes as good or better than a standard sword.  But you still need to get one of each.  

All of these items are on sale online.  You could order them now, if you really want to make a difference.  We need to get a system of distributing swords that works and is not biased against Christian martyrs.  It is bad enough that we are being attacked on a daily basis by weak-minded muzzies and stupid-faced right wing-nuts, now the liberal agenda wants our swords.  

Oh, yes, and all my heart and prayers and other empty words go out to the families of the victims.

Signed,
Arnold Foldens
Founder of ISA

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