Showing posts from December, 2013

A Dead-End, Hopeless Journey is Waiting For You At [Company Name]

Our recruiters are currently seeking highly-intelligent, highly-motivated, highly-skilled, highly-recommended, and highly-attractive individuals to work under the shittiest conditions for one of the worst salaries and the worst benefits package in the galaxy.
Putting employees first
[Company Name] is a family company with headquarters in [City].Employing over a billion peasants and between 30 and 36 noblemen on 12 planets, in 2,196 countries, our agents speak 62,000 languages in 428,000 dialects.It is our mission to trek across the universe and sell something that someone else made to someone else, giving an invoice to all parties involved.We specialize in bullshitting government as well as our customers and clients - but of all the people that we bullshit, rest assured that our employees come first.
Qualifications: PhD in Mathematics PhD in English PhD in Biology Post-Doctorate in Computer Science 28+ years experience filching Nobel Prize, Peace preferred but not necessary for conside…

New App Makes Liars’ Jeans Catch Fire

New app delivers honesty with burning consequences; Faculty at Flagstaff religious school perish; Philosophy professor explains the Hegelian dialectic, few understand what he meant; Just in time for the holidays.

Smack Dab - This week Silicon Valley's leading hipster global think-tank Bird Bees Digital (BRDB) announced the upcoming launch of its newest vehicle Hotpants ($0.99, Android and iOS, available December 20), an app that ignites trouser and skirt hems of those speaking falsely within a 5 meter radius of the user. 
The beta version of the app, launched this month, has raised concern most notably among clergy and lawmakers, who have stated that Hotpants will shut down church and state, as we know it, indefinitely. 
"You must reeelize," said Senator Morgan Morgan (F-WI), "every truth in our society is based on a series of blatant, outright, and profound lies.It is pandemonium on demand, is what it is.If we, as elite bureaucrats, cannot smooth over the rough edg…