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A Dead-End, Hopeless Journey is Waiting For You At [Company Name]


Our recruiters are currently seeking highly-intelligent, highly-motivated, highly-skilled, highly-recommended, and highly-attractive individuals to work under the shittiest conditions for one of the worst salaries and the worst benefits package in the galaxy.

Bullshit
 
 
Putting employees first

[Company Name] is a family company with headquarters in [City].  Employing over a billion peasants and between 30 and 36 noblemen on 12 planets, in 2,196 countries, our agents speak 62,000 languages in 428,000 dialects.  It is our mission to trek across the universe and sell something that someone else made to someone else, giving an invoice to all parties involved.  We specialize in bullshitting government as well as our customers and clients - but of all the people that we bullshit, rest assured that our employees come first.
[Company Name] employees applaud a major decision that will ruin their lives.

Qualifications:
  • PhD in Mathematics
  • PhD in English
  • PhD in Biology
  • Post-Doctorate in Computer Science
  • 28+ years experience filching
  • Nobel Prize, Peace preferred but not necessary for consideration
  • Pulitzer Prize, Fiction only
  • Supernatural abilities, telekinesis preferred but not necessary
  • Ability to lift 1,000 pounds
  • Three hours of sleep
  • 100% disease resistance
  • Mythical gods in ancestry
  • Moonwalk
  • Huge penis or breasts
Smiling headset makes money for [Company Name].
Skills:
  • Looking the other way
  • Playing dumb
  • Poker face
  • Cooking books
  • Covering your ass
  • Throwing co-workers and family under the bus
  • Spreading falsehood
  • Orchestrating propaganda
  • Treachery
  • Villainy
  • Sorcery
  • Typing, 140 wpm
    •  
Agent for [Company Name] visits a working office museum.
No:
  • Crybabies
  • Test-tube babies
  • Military brats
  • Sass
  • Having had dreams in which a female friend is bald
  • Stereotypes (i.e. stingy Huns, generous carpenters, happy elves)
    •  
     

Apply Today: it’s so easy!


If you feel you have what it takes (or don’t have a problem fabricating what you lack), submit an application today!  If we decide that we want to use you, we will give you the most ridiculous offer you have ever heard of.  You will find that we have been vague about the job position and benefits package for a reason. 
 
Team [Company Name] has found most potential employees who are given our cold-offer turn it down at a rate of 98%.  However, when we dress it up with this clever job ad, causing applicants to feel that we chose them, we find the rejection rate falls to less than 0%.  It also helps that we have created the economy to be unforgiving and indifferent, almost destitute, vile, and filthy.  No one, especially of the peasantry, is free anymore to doddle about.

 
You had better come join up with [Company Name] before you and your babies starve and your neighbor won’t even give you a fucking blanket.     

DO NOT REPLY TO THIS AD DIRECTLY
 
 
 
[Company Name]



 

 
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