 |
Smack Dab - This week Silicon Valley's leading hipster
global think-tank Bird Bees Digital (BRDB) announced the upcoming launch of its
newest vehicle Hotpants ($0.99, Android and iOS, available December 20), an app
that ignites trouser and skirt hems of those speaking falsely within a 5 meter
radius of the user.
The beta version of the app, launched this month, has raised
concern most notably among clergy and lawmakers, who have stated that Hotpants
will shut down church and state, as we know it, indefinitely.
"You must reeelize," said Senator Morgan Morgan
(F-WI), "every truth in our society is based on a series of blatant,
outright, and profound lies. It is
pandemonium on demand, is what it is.
If we, as elite bureaucrats, cannot smooth over the rough edges of
society for fear of burn trauma, then I don't know whhhhot - epic fail."
 |
Courtesy: Larry Page
|
The entire faculty of Delmar Southern Baptist Academy, a
private school near Flagstaff, gathered to pray near the flagpole and died
miserably Tuesday morning in a veritable roundtable conflagration that started,
literally, from the grassroots.
After a local speed walker, Gus Cervantes, 75, sauntered by
the prayer show, head-bowed teachers and ministers began to notice that the
ground was getting hot and smoky. In a
matter of seconds, onlookers said, the ground had become lava gravy and soon
the victims were trying to beat out the flames with their bibles to no
avail.
"My son-in-law just installed that Hotpants app,"
Cervantes said at a press conference Thursday, "He's always fooling around
with bullshit like that, took my phone, uploaded it or whatever. I don't know how that damn thing works. He thought I would get a kick out of it. Phew...
89 Baptists are dead. I don't
need that. My Reiche energy has gone
to zero."
Mechanism
Hotpants works by synergizing two very important technologies into one neat and powerful package. First, it detects lies using a modified fMRI (Functional Magnetic Resonance Image) that determines if the brain worked harder than normal in the moments before someone makes a statement. This is because in order to tell a lie the brain must first think of the truth and modify it. If the statement is a lie, the added energy used by the brain will show up in the fMRI.
 |
| fMRI of a liar. Notice the red circles. |
Once the lie is detected, the phone very quickly locates the liar geo-spatially and selectively inhibits neutrinos, via bluetooth, in the ground below the doomed subject. This causes a build up of antimatter that, within 5 seconds, causes a catastrophic flash as the ground heats up to nearly a million degrees Centigrade. This is what causes the pants to burst into flames while at the same time effectively disintegrating the deceiver.
Fancypants
The app watchdog group Be Cool has called for the
immediate recall of the app and pointed out that just from a legal standpoint
people are violating the law when they utilize a device that lights others on fire
for any reason, even blatant falsehood.
"You have nothing to worry about if you tell the
truth," responded Godfried Waylan, chief digital slew at Bird Bees, at a
tailgate rally on I-50 Monday, "If you have nothing to hide, that is. The only people who are against this product
are fiends. I believe we have a moral
imperative as individuals to use this app on a daily basis.” (Waylan later
burned to death).
The premium version of the app, which is expected to be
released on iOS in February, will also iron and dangle the liar's flaming pants
from a utility wire. There is no word
on when the premium version will be available for Android, but Waylan is quoted
as saying, "don't hold your breath".
Come again???
"It is a detergent," said philosophy professor Dr.
Harold Baxter at a lecture he gave Friday morning at Brown University, referring
to the nature of good and evil, "There has never been anything wrong with
a detergent, or an enabler, except that it deters or enables. That is to say, if we can build a wall, or a
bridge, then it stands to reason that we can tear down the same bridge or
wall. But of the wall, or bridge, that
is already there, the bridge or wall that has always been there since time
began, that cannot be replicated or destroyed, why not keep it for old time’s
sake? “
 |
Courtesy: Nikolay Georgiev
|
“One might ask, well, then, why is it that existence only relates to the senses while the senses are mere roadblocks to higher consciousness? Hegel says that the dialectic is the measure of all things, the thesis, antithesis, and synthesis. Going down that path, if you have someone who comes in and says that Alexander Pope is notable for not being a pope, and yet he stayed sane throughout most of his life, despite his name...”
“Then what you have is a sort of voodoo philosophy that
attempts to rectify categories that are unrelatable. This sort of reasoning, this bias, if you will, is exactly the
point of persistent reduction of the essence of what is and will become, where
becoming, remember from our earlier lecture, is the quintessential, the
unimpeachable. For now, suffice it to
say that man's brink is redacted, indeed abridged, for the benefit of not
scholarship but of ignorance. That is
to say, man’s cunning, humankind’s bitter struggle, is only, is only [sic]
there, quoting Noman Hedgefont, ‘to mess your hair’. This may all seem very academic, but I assure you it is anything
but. That is something we will discuss
in our next lecture entitled On Not Being Academic: a Retrospective."
 |
Courtesy : Avin Ash
|
Santa Claus and company
Because Santa Claus and his North Pole entourage are a pagan myth unrelated to Jesus, app stores everywhere have been vigorously preparing for the launch of Hotpants. Sales are expected to go through the roof. Customers are already lining up around the block. It is doubtful that anyone in the world will not buy this product. The Hotpants website already has forty billion followers, which represent over 25% of the world’s population. In the meantime, perhaps it is a good time to watch what you say.
This is really neat-o.
ReplyDelete