The Chronicles of Granny In The Bed

Four humans started out as substance abusers because they did not look on the bright side.  Then, each had an independent emotional block and found it impossible to take it any further.  On that day, the four devoted themselves at once to Krishna, Buddha, Yahweh, Jesus, and Muhammad all while making a serious effort to learn music perfectly so as to impress future generations not born yet.  On that auspicious day, Monday, June 17, 1947, they tattooed and changed their names as they joined in swastika hands. Mouth, Guitar, Bass, and Drums were one of the greatest four-piece ensembles in music history.  You know them as Musicians.  In case you were hacking films in Buenos Aires for the past 20 years from your basement, Musicians is a musical firebrand from Ecuador that has knocked the tube socks off the entire world. Musicians have sold more than a hundred copies of their album Song List which includes the classic Single 26 .  Each copy is hand made and contains the secrets of huma

Following closely on the heels of Homesick Hitler’s obscure eponymous debut that made 317th place on the Gerkin Charts, Ham Records announced that they were dropping the second album before the seasonal sales rush on August 12. Amid confusion, executives explained the term "dropping" means that the album WILL be available, not that it has been dropped from release.  To clarify, the record will be available for purchase.  I was told to make that point loud and clear for the audience. HH has captured the sound of the Cocteau Twins caught off guard by Sting and The Police all while the state of California, who has elected the Flock of Seagulls as its supreme court, refuses to let anyone have an abortion without a fathers’ consent.  They would later clarify that the father "must also be a man who is born with a male penis who must also possess at least 51% Y Chromosomes". “We figured we’d just go with what we had,” said bassist Willetta Barnfurd, “Plussed Monic

Do you or someone you love suffer from Mom’s Beard? 25-40% of all young mothers experience some form of post-natal Mom’s Beard.  However, do to stigma, most never report in for treatment.  Then, the problem only worsens. “I was embarrassed that someone would mistake me for a man,” said Diedre Northwinter of Alert, Nunavut in northernmost Canada, “I was afraid I would start earning more unless I did something fast.  However, I heard that the treatment for Mom’s Beard causes worse Mom’s Beard**.  It was one of the most difficult years of my life.” You never want to have to say “I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN WOMBAT PILL,” after it is too late. The tell-tale symptoms of Mom’s Beard go away on their own.  However, super-follicles produced by Mom’s Beard can take as long as 6-months to a year to heal, and the results can leave a mustache.  In that amount of time, your husband may develop irreversible homosexuality if cost-prohibitive steps are not taken. These steps include completely cov

Preamble We are all best friends. Credo stranger, acquaintance, friend, best friend Thoughts We remain all best friends.  No one is less than best friend to anyone else.  We are convinced that is the way that it must be for everything to be right.  If one person is not best friends to anyone one other person, be it anybody else whatsoever, that is a technical foul on planet earth and we, the Society of Best Friends themselves, demand it be cleaned up with transparency, restraint, and accountability. We aren’t going to bow down anymore to the ones who said, look, you can’t all be best friends, that isn’t what we like.  They will say, that is not the way it was before, because before that, they will go on, people were either friends or they were best friends, but there was only one best friend.  They were monoamicus as well as being monotheistic. We are duotheistic, we believe there are exactly no less than two Gods of exactly equal purpose and extravagance, with equal cla

In the very first written tradition of all, new in and of itself, I, Salecia Magus, do swear to do faith to the prescripts detailed me from the Heavens. Be born.  First.  Start out with your own birth.  This is a necessary prerequisite to walking around.  Find a birthing point, roll out of the birthing canal, and get your feet moving.  There are many in the community who would choose to start at conception.  Wrong.  Do not concern yourself with anything before the crowning.  Those details are the property of the individuals in charge of the manufacturing process. Next, get your name.  Be sure and get a good name.  A bad name, called a bad omen, can result in a mildly unhappy time of life.  Do not pick Barton Mollytroph.  Whatever you pick, have your progenitors write it out, in legal form, your birth name, weight, location, and birth date.  The birth date is especially important for knowing when to have your birthday party.  Keep this document later to prove you exist and to kee

That sunlight-reflecting orb in the sky that moves and changes shapes, the one that inspired wonder, calendars, werewolves, witchcraft, religions, belief, is a catchall for emotion.  The people 9500 years before the messiah were making pies but they had no idea about the moon.  They looked at it.  Kids asked, “what is that?”.  “I don’t know, good question,” was the answer. “I’ve seen it a lot.” “Wish I knew.” “I have more pressing matters.  Pie’s done.” The thoughts of eager, overgrown men are tired replicas and false reflections of The Phantagasm.  Everything with a pulse is just reacting to a predetermined set of disconnected events, and the thoughts are the impossible attempt to digitize the world like an mp3.  Imagine 5mb to store every piece of wisdom concisely, nerds. Pills are fakes.  They trick the body.  The body pushes back with side effects and failure and death.  Another coarse attempt to control a fine measurement permeates existence.   Big deal so what. 

 “What I’ve unleashed its too late to turn around,” said Milton. “Feeling a bit disjointed, are we?” asked the psychiatrist. “I’m tired of you referring to me as we.  What the fuck is wrong with you?” asked Milton. “I don’t know what came over me.  Are swear words the answer?” said Dr. Vinson, carefully noting exactly what was said and the tone in which it was said is the most important part. Thoughts, replayed, memories flashing inside the mind of Milton as he daydreamed, all ancient memories now, a new beacon had arisen, that was all before, that was what lead up to now. The mind of a crazy person, one must understand, is complicated by the fact that it is crazy, it taxes the emotions much more, is capable of sucking them up like a reverse bagpipe, but the only notes played are often sharp chords that mean ten things at once but nothing at all, stinging like the experience of riding a motorcycle through a blizzard. “You don’t sound very happy,” said Dr. Vinson. Mi

Perhaps one of the most closely guarded and well-hidden secrets, often referred to as, “the small print of the Declaration of Independence”, is that the crown retained power over their 13 children and 37 bratty grandchildren.  The pink post it note that originally attached to the July 4, 1776 document reads as follows: “Your Majesty:  This part we will leave out of the official document.  Do pardon our frankness, won’t you?  We mean to merely offer you the pretext of a revolution so that we may indeed trick the rest of the world, fools that they are, that we are separate and not brethren.  It is through these means that we endeavor to take over the entire world and the heavens are next.  We are planning to stage a big war and everything.” According to Franklin Delmar of Smithville Polytechnic University in Raptoe, the original post-it is located in a vault in the Tower of London.  His reasoning is, where else would they put it?  He went on to point out several examples of really i

Santiago de Cuba - As reported in the Hanksbury Yellowtown Circus News, just one day ago, nearly a thousand attempts on the presidnet's face did not occur.  It is now believed that over 8,500 eye-witnesses were lying under oath and paid to be there. First of all, no way anyone would want to harm the presidnet.  Lately, everything he says is lauded around the globe.  He is a humanitarian but also he's gangster.  There is nothing wrong with that.  The presidnet's connections to organized crime is not an issue.  Some people respect that he says what a mean person would say under similar circumstances. Everyone knows the economy is perfect, the military is perfect, and the business is perfect.  Then, you have the cyber, perfect, the space fleet, check, 100.  Wall, going up right on time.  Had a little snag, but its underway now.  Big wall, perfect.  Just as promised. Yesterday, the other news were all saying nothing happened.  They were right, and the other fucker