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Hooker Horoscope

Today's Birthday:  The sun is in the sky today, except at night.  The moon will probably be out at night unless the ceiling gets in the way as usual.  Well, you're a year older.  If you are very old, then that means you will probably not be alive more than 100 more years, but if you're young, you may have over 100 more years to live.  So, use it wisely.  You will work your job, for awhile, then your pension will be stolen and you'll be homeless.  Your family will disown you and the world will forget you ever existed.  That may happen sometime later.  You are the underdog, the maverick.  It is time to take guns to work, and show those bosses just how much you mean to them.  Either way, you will be taken care of after unless you kill less than a billion people.

ARIES (March 21-April 19) You've been sitting around too long.  It is time to do something with your life, and not any of that nonsense you've been doing.  Listen, life is not a series of random happening…

The Onion: Decades Later And Still No Consensus On Its Authorship

You’re talking to me But I was on Sputnik You waste of skin.
The Onion By Robert Or William Culbin. No one is sure who penned the verse, but Robert was perhaps the least likely, as it was noted by George First: “I knew Robert,” said George, shaking his head, “he seemed too stupid for a poet. I remember, I asked him, whataya think’s going to happen with this McCarthy fellow? Robert shot me so fast, to this day I don’t mention communism without waving the Confederate flag like mad.” Still, the doubt lingers, as Carvel Ponders stated in her autobiography, Shambles: From the Greenways to the Red Stops. “Relatively speaking,” says the aging sexpot, “Robert was the poet. William was the younger brother, remember. They were only two years apart, but Robert was the leader. He called the shots. William wasn’t endowed with that raw energy that was so much the trait of Robert. His belt was always on crooked. Robert would stop and fix it for him.” “William didn’t have traits except he wore…

The Astonishing Not Coincidences

The following articles may seem like coincidences, but, upon close inspection, it is revealed quite clearly that they are anything but.  It is further mostly a fact that most of them are, in fact, not factual by any stretch of the meaning of the term.  We present them for your readership in the usual fashion, following a colon, to wit:

     Jesus was born at night in a barn to Mary in Bethlehem.  Nero was born at dawn in a house to Agrippina in Antium.
     When Jesus was born, it was said “this is the anointed one who is born of Mary and Joseph.” When Nero was born, it was said “That nothing but what was detestable, and pernicious to the public, could ever be produced of Domitus and Agrippina.”
     When Jesus was born, three Kings attended his birthplace, and brought three gifts that they delivered to the parents: frankincense, myrrh, and gold.  Afterward, they left sober and were never heard from again.  When Nero was born, three soldiers came to kill Nero after he was born.  They…

Spanish Insults To Hurl at Donald and Melania Trump Anytime You Feel Like It

baboso mentirososlug liar
sucio mentirosofilthy liar
pedazo de basurapiece of trash
pedazo de mierdapiece of shit
cerdo asqueroso                    filthy pig
bueno para nadagood for nothing
imbeciles                             idiot
bruja ignoranteignorant witch
pinches gringos                    insignificant U.S. citizens
chingate guey                      fuck yourself asshole
chupa mi vergagive me felatio
cogete un burrogo fuck a donkey
pendejo        asshole
me vale vergaI don't give a fuck
puta                                    prostitute
pinche mamon        fucking cocksucker
puerco echadolaying pig
vales vergayou're worthless
beso mi culokiss my ass
chichona                              large breast girl
cojes delfinosyou fuck dolphins
pendeja                                bitch
pito chiquitosmall dick
su polla es una foto pequeña   your dick is a tiny stinkbug
sapo de bocaza                     loudmouth toad
payaso ridiculoridiculous clown
mi peor enemigo������…

Aces On Bridge

South has a life or death choice to make
                                                  North                                                  ♠A K Q J 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2
    East                                                                                   West     ♥A K Q J 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2                                             ♣A K Q J 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2
                                                 South                                                  ♦A K Q J 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2


The bidding: East Pass, North 6 no-trump, West 8 diamonds, South Pass, East 12 Spades, West Pass, North Pass, Wast fold, Nouth Gets up and runs, East-West looks at the time.

opening lead: Ace of shovels.

This happens when a new deck of cards is used and someone forgot to shuffle and cut. The dealer may also have cheated because this is a 1 in 655,013,559,600 hand. You could deal one hand every second and it would amount to the distance light travels since the birth of the universe before you sa…

Blasting Car-Dashian: A Look Back at This Season's Most Watched and Best Loved Reality Show

Slogans like "Man, if you need a good man you better see Stan Goodman, esquire" have been around for millions of years.  When you are officially oppressed by government employees, you tend to want the loudest mouth jerk in your corner.  You don't care that he wears leather and stands on the top of a big rig.  He fights so you don't have to, with explosives and questionable methods that may not be ethical.  That is why, this coming fall, last resort television has produced the finest reality series ever created in mankind's short and sketchy semblance toward awareness of itself.

Is it going to be better than Wham!?  You bet your ass it is.  They have divided the houses roughly into two teams: asses and fat-knicks.  Team ass has only four to five members at any given time.  One actor, Bernard Standers is pretending to be an outsider to make it seem like he is going to be a good choice.  But after his name he uses the parenthetical 'a', for ass, on TV.  To …

Listen to Yo Mama, Not Obama Drama

The President of the United States (formerly The Free World) has gone mad.  It is in the newspapers, it is on the television reality shows, it is a tweet – President Barack Obama has lost his mind.  This is not a joke.

Sources close to the White House (standing just outside the gates being harassed and openly murdered by Obama’s secret death drone squad) have reported Friday that President Barack Obama can no longer be considered mentally stable for any significant length of time or at all.  They fear that his psychosis has spread beyond his brain, through the oval office, down the pentagram of Washington D.C., to all levels of government and mail carriers.  And it has just been reported five minutes ago that Congress and The Supreme Court have gone in similar fashion, completely off their rockers - babbling on incoherently like some sort of drunken veterans of the Vietnam Police Action.

However, these hot-heads are not decorated war heroes.  Instead, they are civil servants who are…

All Dem Capers

All Dem Capers
Based on the novel by Frothy Grilban
Choreography by Umpher Rym

A newly divorced breeder and door-to-door salesman, Merleandor Comrade (Yelly Scroban), meets up with former furniture repairman and lawnmower collector Fonzi Carmichael (Freelance Chewbaka) who has recently been diagnosed with outer depressive disorder.  Outer depressive disorder is a mental anomaly and antithesis that causes anyone who meets Carmichael to become clinically and morbidly depressed soon after.  The two begin running a letters racket, based off the numbers racket.  They replace the numbers with letters and call it simply “the letters”.

When Chives Kandalabrah (Shelly Vim) goes up against hot boxer Go Brillowitz (Lomp Cockstern) in a battle to see who would get in line first on Black Friday to purchase a robot that roves the ceiling in search of dust bunnies known as “the trainspotter” for €89.999, their plans are thwarted when newcomer optometrists in overcoats Walter and Gideon Reyjvak (play…

Moratorium For The Boratorium

Moratorium For The Boratorium Written and Directed by Phil Therschaut
In 1620's Tora Bora, when 99½-year-old cow poacher Sarik Bengabariq (Slando Phonbhot) is politely asked by well-meaning townspeople (Jerstand Box, Calandra Sue Yimbifity, and Borstap Conway) to leave town because he is too messy, all hell breaks loose after local sitar player Vikota Al-fazad (Margery Hathaway-Bonkers) later accuses Sarik of shaming her favorite horn and antler importer Schlepper Schmendrick (Santana Fortytrees) in a bar fight that lasts most of a Tuesday evening, over a counter top made of Argentinian bullhorn.

Meanwhile, the town is suffering a crisis.  Everywhere, people are playing the apple gourd, a hollowed out percussive instrument that has become such a nuisance, local cattle are slowly drowning themselves.

At a vote of the Tora Bora City Council, led by Mayor Dux Qirebirk (Manny Del Vecio), it is determined that apple gourds are not a proper instrument for cosmopolitan city dwellers and…

Ardently Grappling Schnorvil

Ardently Grappling Schnorvil
Directed by Matilda Bagpipes

After fourth chair violinist Schnorvil McBetrest (Frans Pasckenheist) is thrown out of the New York Philharmonic Orchestra by new conductor Sargent Paul Varnish (April Langswell) for knocking over child prodigy Bogues Henry (Gird Villanova) with his violin case, Schnorvil is led on a series of misadventures through the Australian outback, many of which involve drugs and include multiple atrocities involving innocent aborigines (played by Shil Berham, Angalina Staplegun, Gori Bash, Trilamp Garland, and Milzi Pympe-Deville), before returning to New York with a fresh attitude and vicious playing style that rivals the very best musicians the world has ever seen.  Many who hear Schnorvil play at this time fall into a trance and weep begging for more.

That is when Schnorvil meets Watusi Endeavors (Marilyn Streece), a key agent for Shalango Middle Class Records.  She offers Schnorvil top billing at Club Get Down, a local fop night spo…

50 New Fart Rules (and other devolutions)

1.     Whoever is without praising is the one who is hiding its raising.
2.     She who shit her purse is the one whose wind has cursed.
3.     The man who looked innocent threw a terd not finished yet.
4.     The doctor who denied it is the one whose sphincter invited it.
5.     The teacher who's acting mean is the one who's made the room unclean.
6.     The policeman who reads its rights is the one who flew the brownie's kites.
7.     Whomever tries to act not responsible is, in fact, the one who is probably did it.
8.     One will fart and pretend not to have done so, often.
9.     Whoever broke the wind is in trouble, its a sin.
10.   Try not to do that often, or your marble balls will soften.
11.   It is never socially acceptable to expel flatulence on a gathering of people.
12.   There is no situation in which that is okay.
13.   Break not that unless you're going to bat.
14.   Believe me now, for I speak wise, the one who farts very often lies.
15.   Yet, consi…

Aunt Thelma

"Greetings be to you, Thelma dear," said Uncle Elmer, having just arrived, persuaded by others in the family as Aunt Thelma was crying viciously, moaning, stumbling around aimlessly in her apartment, and muttering nonsense to the point that neighbors were offended.

"Oh Elmer, my brother!" exclaimed Aunt Thelma, "Oh!  Lord help us all, Amen praise be, the glory be tomorrow, I am so sad right now.  Lamentations to the Lord!  I have just heard the most awful news of my life.  Oh, why, oh why, oh why, oh why why why?  Tell me why, that's all."

"There, there," said Uncle Elmer, with a soft eye and warm shoulder rub, "I'm so sorry to hear that, Thelma, daughter of my mother and father, you poor dear.  We live in a time of strife.  You know the Lord tests the elect and puts obstacles in the way of the remnant.  You gotta be strong.  It's all it is.  You know I be there to help you anytime, Miss Thelma you my best sister.  You gotta bu…

The Misadventures of Benjamin J.

Image
By guest author Benjamin J.

I failed computer science because I refused to waste disk space with adequate comments in my assignments. Professor Standwish said that code is written for people, not computers. Can you believe the nerve of this wrinkle-nosed artifact? This is a man who wears western shirts and bolo ties as formal attire.

Of course code is not written for people. It goes in a computer, genius. I was the first one to ever challenge the renowned doctor on this issue. I alone bear that distinguishing mark. Like Sam Kinison taught me, I always speak my mind even when it is not popular and especially when others are made to feel uncomfortable (I was born after Kinison died).

Standwish was livid. He actually called my father on a busy Monday to inform him how I had not done my assignments properly and that my behavior in class meant I would not be, in fact, the next Steve Jobs. He said I would only get an F and I could not buy my way out of it. All because I am still technically …