All Dem Capers
Based on the novel by Frothy Grilban
Choreography by Umpher Rym
A newly divorced breeder and door-to-door salesman, Merleandor Comrade (Yelly Scroban), meets up with former furniture repairman and lawnmower collector Fonzi Carmichael (Freelance Chewbaka) who has recently been diagnosed with outer depressive disorder. Outer depressive disorder is a mental anomaly and antithesis that causes anyone who meets Carmichael to become clinically and morbidly depressed soon after. The two begin running a letters racket, based off the numbers racket. They replace the numbers with letters and call it simply “the letters”.
When Chives Kandalabrah (Shelly Vim) goes up against hot boxer Go Brillowitz (Lomp Cockstern) in a battle to see who would get in line first on Black Friday to purchase a robot that roves the ceiling in search of dust bunnies known as “the trainspotter” for €89.999, their plans are thwarted when newcomer optometrists in overcoats Walter and Gideon Reyjvak (played by nearly identical twins Rebo and Ventrilla Yodelberg) show up and announce that they had invented the device and that most of the early models exploded “9 times out of 10”, usually causing a general meltdown of life, limb, and innocent lives ruined, besides causing whole homesteads to be devoured by the ancient ground. Chives and Go appear to take their advice and give up their place in line.
However, it is soon revealed that the twins' sister Zanadoo Hygabble (Monica Faggentramp) is actually working for the Ku Klux Klan, being married to Junior Grand Wizard Smugheart Hygabble (Oginald Facahn), as a liaison for Barney Huff (William Yutzfang), who just so happens to be a man who had one of his heirloom cadenzas repaired by Fonzi Carmichael and later found out that Carmichael had switched his for a fake made entirely out of toothpicks. Smugheart is known to have a double micropenis besides a tiny brain stem, but that information is not important to the telling of the story.
When confronted about the cadenza, Carmichael claims that the wood was restored exactly to factory specifications. In order to put the icing on the cake, Carmichael forges plan documents of the cadenza to make it look as though the lovely piece of furniture was originally built of toothpicks. Carmichael then calls it a craft piece and accuses Huff of "being a poor curator of a priceless heirloom by losing a most important component - the original toothpicks". Huff, inhaling anger, leaves the scene quickly.
Huff is not easily fooled, and after Thanksgiving dinner he meets with noted furniture expert Beatrice Hariana (Vel Bankowski) to verify the claims. When Hariana tells Huff that Carmichael must be lying to him, Huff runs to a church and cries in Father Xalanga's (Kilargo Benevides) arms. The priest advises Huff to seek revenge no matter what the cost and guarantees that the church administration, besides the entire membership, will back him. The two are next seen biting into huge leftover turkey legs and reading giant bibles with greasy fingers.
Hariana then proceeds to notify the local police station, led by Captain Vargas Tierra de Izquierda (Gunther Hamwait), who comes in to arrest Carmichael. However, when Tierra de Izquierda arrives, Carmichael eats a bowl of pea salad and begins walking away, so Captain Tierra de Izquierda, accepting defeat, quickly calls off his dogs (played by the adorable litter of Lassie Ravioli Basset and Rover Beagle).
Comrade asks Go Brillowitz politely to “make sure and win the fight” in order that Comrade and Carmichael might rig the letters. This is because the winner of “the letters” will be based on the boxing match that will determine who will be crowned Mr. Bigshot that is to be held at Vienna Ox Arena, for the main event between Brillowitz and a mystery boxer. Because no one played the letters 'g' and 'o' together, Brillowitz's victory would mean that Comrade and Carmichael would get all their dreams and move off to famous places where many locals, like Alzander Monfried (Elmer Teabreath) had done similar things in past films like this.
However, just before Go is to stage a knockout on his opponent (who is unaware of the plan) a couple of breeders in the front row, Mr. and Mrs. Temple (Robert Jones and Mary Beth Strangeheim-O'Brien), are eating a bag of capers they bought from a one-eyed man they met while in line buying beer that they know as The Dark Stranger (Geldpram Fagandlbech).
Just when the couple thought they could not get any happier, Mr. Smith threw the entire bag, by mistake, into the ring, thus causing Go's opponent, Noname Unknown (Vethanda Garbenschlam), to throw a knuckle punch right in Go's unguarded Gifford. It should have been shown earlier in the film, but it was not, that Go has one weakness, and that is a surprise to the Gifford at crunch time. Go looks at the bag of capers in disgust but is also drawn to reach for a hand full that he quickly wolfs down.
The referee, Bill Shank (Marlin Bjam) crowns Unknown Mr. Bigshot causing Comrade and Carmichael to have to pay a million dollars to a kid named Fingers (Frank Finland), who soon uses the money to design, develop, and launch a new sin called Flawdamony which involves rude hand gestures directed at devout clergy and dedicated business leaders. The targets of Flawdamony typically drop dead in five minutes.
The Dark Stranger is seen winking at the author of the film, who is seated in the audience. This is most odd because the author had never written that part, the production department had never produced that part, and the directors had never called “action”. On top of that, no one is sure who the Dark Stranger actually is. His name is not listed in the credits, using a Helvetica font with b's and q's pointing backward, upside down, and interchanged.
However, at the very end of the credits, it is rumored in fine print that the Dark Stranger might win a Facacta-Bean Award for his part in the film, and that whoever would not give him the Facacta-Bean would be cursed by his caper majik. To illustrate his point, the president of the United States is seen a week later eating from a giant toad sack of fresh capers with a reptilian tongue.
Five hours before the film, ticket holders are each called via their emergency contact number and told to give their tickets to the ticket taker, not before, but AFTER the film is viewed. Most in the future audience are shocked and do not understand why that is, but, when the film is over, everyone begins to walk out, digging for their tickets in pockets, purse drawers, and vest pockets. When they do, capers begin to spill out over the entire row and before long the people are armpit high in capers, screaming, and in a general panic, although admittedly enjoying the thrill of being thus bathed in capers.
So many laws are broken, it becomes clear that no one will condone it. Therefore, all are asked to wade home and never speak of the matter again and they have, to this minute, remained true to that wish. Many were later implicated in the incorrigible practice of Flawdamony.
In the next-to-last scene, The Dark Stranger meets Fonzi Carmichael at a lawnmower auction and quickly falls into chronic depression. After being cured, The Dark Stranger undergoes gender surgery and becomes Edith Elvira Kambridge, who, it so happens, looks exactly like Cleopatra's Aunt Shelly, so much so, that newspapers talk about it as if nothing else in the world were as important.
In the showdown, Carmichael is seen opening Barney Huff's cadenza that contains a Facacta-Bean award for least original cameo covered in ranch capers. However, as he is taking out the trophy, the camera pans upward and it is revealed that “the trainspotter” is dragging along the ceiling. We cut to the outside view and see the entire building collapse as the ground opens up and swallows it in one bite as Chives Kandalabrah stumbles off, screaming “What is this?”
Based on the novel by Frothy Grilban
Choreography by Umpher Rym
A newly divorced breeder and door-to-door salesman, Merleandor Comrade (Yelly Scroban), meets up with former furniture repairman and lawnmower collector Fonzi Carmichael (Freelance Chewbaka) who has recently been diagnosed with outer depressive disorder. Outer depressive disorder is a mental anomaly and antithesis that causes anyone who meets Carmichael to become clinically and morbidly depressed soon after. The two begin running a letters racket, based off the numbers racket. They replace the numbers with letters and call it simply “the letters”.
When Chives Kandalabrah (Shelly Vim) goes up against hot boxer Go Brillowitz (Lomp Cockstern) in a battle to see who would get in line first on Black Friday to purchase a robot that roves the ceiling in search of dust bunnies known as “the trainspotter” for €89.999, their plans are thwarted when newcomer optometrists in overcoats Walter and Gideon Reyjvak (played by nearly identical twins Rebo and Ventrilla Yodelberg) show up and announce that they had invented the device and that most of the early models exploded “9 times out of 10”, usually causing a general meltdown of life, limb, and innocent lives ruined, besides causing whole homesteads to be devoured by the ancient ground. Chives and Go appear to take their advice and give up their place in line.
However, it is soon revealed that the twins' sister Zanadoo Hygabble (Monica Faggentramp) is actually working for the Ku Klux Klan, being married to Junior Grand Wizard Smugheart Hygabble (Oginald Facahn), as a liaison for Barney Huff (William Yutzfang), who just so happens to be a man who had one of his heirloom cadenzas repaired by Fonzi Carmichael and later found out that Carmichael had switched his for a fake made entirely out of toothpicks. Smugheart is known to have a double micropenis besides a tiny brain stem, but that information is not important to the telling of the story.
When confronted about the cadenza, Carmichael claims that the wood was restored exactly to factory specifications. In order to put the icing on the cake, Carmichael forges plan documents of the cadenza to make it look as though the lovely piece of furniture was originally built of toothpicks. Carmichael then calls it a craft piece and accuses Huff of "being a poor curator of a priceless heirloom by losing a most important component - the original toothpicks". Huff, inhaling anger, leaves the scene quickly.
Huff is not easily fooled, and after Thanksgiving dinner he meets with noted furniture expert Beatrice Hariana (Vel Bankowski) to verify the claims. When Hariana tells Huff that Carmichael must be lying to him, Huff runs to a church and cries in Father Xalanga's (Kilargo Benevides) arms. The priest advises Huff to seek revenge no matter what the cost and guarantees that the church administration, besides the entire membership, will back him. The two are next seen biting into huge leftover turkey legs and reading giant bibles with greasy fingers.
Hariana then proceeds to notify the local police station, led by Captain Vargas Tierra de Izquierda (Gunther Hamwait), who comes in to arrest Carmichael. However, when Tierra de Izquierda arrives, Carmichael eats a bowl of pea salad and begins walking away, so Captain Tierra de Izquierda, accepting defeat, quickly calls off his dogs (played by the adorable litter of Lassie Ravioli Basset and Rover Beagle).
Comrade asks Go Brillowitz politely to “make sure and win the fight” in order that Comrade and Carmichael might rig the letters. This is because the winner of “the letters” will be based on the boxing match that will determine who will be crowned Mr. Bigshot that is to be held at Vienna Ox Arena, for the main event between Brillowitz and a mystery boxer. Because no one played the letters 'g' and 'o' together, Brillowitz's victory would mean that Comrade and Carmichael would get all their dreams and move off to famous places where many locals, like Alzander Monfried (Elmer Teabreath) had done similar things in past films like this.
However, just before Go is to stage a knockout on his opponent (who is unaware of the plan) a couple of breeders in the front row, Mr. and Mrs. Temple (Robert Jones and Mary Beth Strangeheim-O'Brien), are eating a bag of capers they bought from a one-eyed man they met while in line buying beer that they know as The Dark Stranger (Geldpram Fagandlbech).
Just when the couple thought they could not get any happier, Mr. Smith threw the entire bag, by mistake, into the ring, thus causing Go's opponent, Noname Unknown (Vethanda Garbenschlam), to throw a knuckle punch right in Go's unguarded Gifford. It should have been shown earlier in the film, but it was not, that Go has one weakness, and that is a surprise to the Gifford at crunch time. Go looks at the bag of capers in disgust but is also drawn to reach for a hand full that he quickly wolfs down.
The referee, Bill Shank (Marlin Bjam) crowns Unknown Mr. Bigshot causing Comrade and Carmichael to have to pay a million dollars to a kid named Fingers (Frank Finland), who soon uses the money to design, develop, and launch a new sin called Flawdamony which involves rude hand gestures directed at devout clergy and dedicated business leaders. The targets of Flawdamony typically drop dead in five minutes.
The Dark Stranger is seen winking at the author of the film, who is seated in the audience. This is most odd because the author had never written that part, the production department had never produced that part, and the directors had never called “action”. On top of that, no one is sure who the Dark Stranger actually is. His name is not listed in the credits, using a Helvetica font with b's and q's pointing backward, upside down, and interchanged.
However, at the very end of the credits, it is rumored in fine print that the Dark Stranger might win a Facacta-Bean Award for his part in the film, and that whoever would not give him the Facacta-Bean would be cursed by his caper majik. To illustrate his point, the president of the United States is seen a week later eating from a giant toad sack of fresh capers with a reptilian tongue.
Five hours before the film, ticket holders are each called via their emergency contact number and told to give their tickets to the ticket taker, not before, but AFTER the film is viewed. Most in the future audience are shocked and do not understand why that is, but, when the film is over, everyone begins to walk out, digging for their tickets in pockets, purse drawers, and vest pockets. When they do, capers begin to spill out over the entire row and before long the people are armpit high in capers, screaming, and in a general panic, although admittedly enjoying the thrill of being thus bathed in capers.
So many laws are broken, it becomes clear that no one will condone it. Therefore, all are asked to wade home and never speak of the matter again and they have, to this minute, remained true to that wish. Many were later implicated in the incorrigible practice of Flawdamony.
In the next-to-last scene, The Dark Stranger meets Fonzi Carmichael at a lawnmower auction and quickly falls into chronic depression. After being cured, The Dark Stranger undergoes gender surgery and becomes Edith Elvira Kambridge, who, it so happens, looks exactly like Cleopatra's Aunt Shelly, so much so, that newspapers talk about it as if nothing else in the world were as important.
In the showdown, Carmichael is seen opening Barney Huff's cadenza that contains a Facacta-Bean award for least original cameo covered in ranch capers. However, as he is taking out the trophy, the camera pans upward and it is revealed that “the trainspotter” is dragging along the ceiling. We cut to the outside view and see the entire building collapse as the ground opens up and swallows it in one bite as Chives Kandalabrah stumbles off, screaming “What is this?”
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