Moratorium For The Boratorium

Moratorium For The Boratorium

Written and Directed by Phil Therschaut

In 1620's Tora Bora, when 99½-year-old cow poacher Sarik Bengabariq (Slando Phonbhot) is politely asked by well-meaning townspeople (Jerstand Box, Calandra Sue Yimbifity, and Borstap Conway) to leave town because he is too messy, all hell breaks loose after local sitar player Vikota Al-fazad (Margery Hathaway-Bonkers) later accuses Sarik of shaming her favorite horn and antler importer Schlepper Schmendrick (Santana Fortytrees) in a bar fight that lasts most of a Tuesday evening, over a counter top made of Argentinian bullhorn.

Meanwhile, the town is suffering a crisis.  Everywhere, people are playing the apple gourd, a hollowed out percussive instrument that has become such a nuisance, local cattle are slowly drowning themselves.

At a vote of the Tora Bora City Council, led by Mayor Dux Qirebirk (Manny Del Vecio), it is determined that apple gourds are not a proper instrument for cosmopolitan city dwellers and after a vote and ordeal, it is officially mandated by the council that playing the apple gourd would be strictly forbidden.  One attendee (Sanchez Merryweather) is so distraught that he is quickly contained by security officer Haliburton Skeemask (Philly Barber) and injected with high-grade heroin.  Afterward, we see that the protesting attendee, a drooling mess, is playing the state-mandated modified 18-string didgeridoo in a festive way.

When town beauty and part-time dentist Bob Rainhard (Tenderfoot Hotchest) plays the forbidden instrument with Schmendrick's extracted molars, towns folk blame Schmendrick, who knew what he was getting into, causing a ruckus that ends in a draw and everyone just willing to forget anything happened due to extreme embarrassment.  The didgeridoo player gasps before swallowing an opiate laced DMT tablet.  Rainhard takes off his shirt.

When Sarik's double centenarian grandmother Fallonbraws Sordfim (Aloiuse Barken) learns the fate of her favorite grandchild, she takes revenge on a gang of six, led by used car dealing pimp smuggler Walasin Bokry (Minnie Fandangle), including expert knife handler Margo Brody (Stalanda Svatorski), whip-dick sticker and karate chop specialist Molynn Wandlebar (Thelma Kaligarny), Chinese knuckle and freestyle cane distributor Velindastar Bonnet (Olivia Humphrey-Doodle), whiskey bottle artist and juggler Etrias Drewatski (Garfield Dan Jongrain), and immigrant orphan fire balloon eating performer Joe Bill (Ytruska Volopotanleist), because they are seen treating a passerby, local goggle-wearing meteorologist Oxireginald Farnsbornth (Ungawa Marcolestra), in a dismissive manner, touting their own wit as being superior to that of Farnsbornth.  Dismissive treatment is known to be a calling card of the coy Schmendrick, and Sordfim easily recognizes the connection.  It is then that Sarik, who is about to get a ride out of the city, finally notices a chance to poach the city's best cow, Fertha Bew (played by herself).

Within minutes, Sarik accidentally slays the city's worst cow, Professor Barbenfouillis (Mos Apis), who, during the apple gourd controversy encouraged several fine steers to jump in the river.  Because Sidewinder was so despised, a dance is held in Sarik's honor.  When Al-fazid finds out what happened, she sends her cousin Hrj Gta (Fraisty Puilsbrukr) to try one final time to find out from where Schlepper Schmendrick manages to get so many Argentinian bullhorns every two weeks, and she learns that he has them shipped from a group in Argentina that specializes in risky bullhorn trading.

Her trap laid in place, Al-fazid puts a full page ad in the Tora Bora Real Times detailing the crimes that have been committed by Schmendrick and his gang of six.  However, it is soon learned that Hrj Gta is the step-daughter of Albafon Cartusch (Jarbo Catrinal), top leader on the Tora Bora City Council who decides to rescind his vote.  Sarik is seen wondering what to do as Al-fazad suggests he should stop boycotting Schmendrick.  Sarik responds by reciting his lineage going back many millennia, revealing nothing that was not already obvious beforehand.

Now everyone is ready to tell Sarik to leave town and never return, even a first grade class at a nearby school, led by Prince Ali Bin Gatah (Foilbeck Arsonbrow), come to denounce his name.  Sarik decides his life is in shambles.

Next are ten montages that do not appear to relate to anything seen so far.  First, a footballer (Elmer Teabreath) is seen casually drinking milk.  Next, an oak tree is waiving in the wind for twelve minutes.  Finally, we see multiple scenes depicting several anonymous characters doing their laundry.  The council is next seen leaving its chambers in silence.

The previous plot of the story and ten montages are a series of misunderstandings and each member of the cast is next seen going on about their day and forgetting what went before, perhaps laughing upon reflection in some cases but acting generally as if nothing had changed.  We will soon find out that nothing could be further from the truth.

The film at this point appears to end.  A black screen contains white block letters that spell out “THE END”, with ants tracing around each letter.  The message stays there for more than 25 minutes before the credits begin to roll.

However, a few minutes after the credits are rolling, about the point when they start to list the working class gaffers (Strom Barnes and Buzzy Phlemphart), the film breaks back in.

It turns out that all along the events that took place in the film, from the start and every thing in between, didn't really happen, but were only imagined by Sandra Treeroot (April Langswell) who is seen slumped in a chair in a mindless condition.  At this point, film critic and plot reductionist Bully Gugenpratt (Val Kilmer) is seen throwing his typewriters off a cliff, one by one.  He then severs both thumbs before falling off.  That is why at that point, the authorities burned the final cells and the film, to this day, is lost forever.  This plot synopsis remains the only known evidence that the film existed to begin with and most noted critics dismiss the facts presented here offhandedly and with no regard to the effort extinguished in the pursuit of this very detailed plot outline.