Showing posts from 2017

The Unfortunate Events of 2650: What you need to know for Wednesday

The Unfortunate Events of 2650 refers to a space-time anomaly that occurs sometime between 2647 and 2653 CE that prevents all time travel to and from any time destination around or after the event

It is believed that very little to no life exists beyond 2650.

The Unfortunate Events of 2650 were first discovered by Arlbrach Sonminchter in 2349 following a breakthrough exploration project called Next Millennium.  The mission was a bold initiative to travel one thousand years into the future. Sonmincher’s party only got to 2598 before their space-time beseecher malfunctioned.  At first, it was believed that the anomaly was caused by a misunderstanding of the fundamental mechanisms of space-time manipulation from the work of Walder Krandal of Apple University in Los Angeles.

Further attempts to retrace Sinmincher’s steps revealed an asymptote in the Biggs-Dizz equation, R=r/$R+B*D.  The “Great Dead End”, as the barrier was termed by notorious 25th century futurologist Twarlie Barko, has pr…

Gareth Markobi, Father of Utinselism, Comes to Sticky End While Joining the Choir Invisible

Gareth Markobi, who bears distinction as the father of the Utinselist movement that began and flourished in Montreal for at least three decades, died quietly today at his home in Menarch after an apparent incident involving bobcats. Having recently endured a very heroic courageous bout with retrostatic anal-nasal reptilian nipple herpes, the artist, poet, writer, drive-by hit-and-run social media troll, noteworthy bigamist, Braille poet, balloon organizer, bobcat activist, notary public, mud farmer, and standby acrobat was found motionless and not responding to stimuli as if for the last time. The cats involved apparently fled the scene before authorities arrived. Markobi was 98.

When the Hades agent finally arrived to return Markobi’s suit-coat, Il Coltello da Burro, as the artist was known to acquaintances, muffled on his master’s voice, chose to hide from death, and ran away in a jagged stitch as he was taught by his trickster mentor, Señor Venusitano Gustav Chagón, in order to sw…

Subtle Signs You May Be Experiencing What Experts Call a ‘Problem Marriage’

Being involved in a problem marriage can effect your life in a negative way.  These are the most reported symptoms you will notice right before sweet matrimonial bliss turns into a bitter legal nightmare:

Your spouse inconveniences you, or asks you to do something that does not immediately give you instant gratification.You want to do something, your spouse doesn’t want to do it, but your spouse won’t do it anyway.Your spouse shrugs off or disagrees with one of your suggestions.You and your spouse do not have the EXACT same needs, wants, and interests.Your spouse has a friend or coworker that is not also your friend or coworker.You find it difficult to visit with your spouse’s family.Your spouse is reluctant to attend events attended by your family.Your spouse does not feel comfortable allowing you to control every aspect of his or her life at any given time even though you have demonstrated that you are superior to all others at every endeavor.You suffer from minor stress related to …

Aborting Mistakes

“You killed your baby marshmallow breath,” yelled a mopish protester in a swinging paisley skirt resting a sign on her shoulder that read ‘pray to end abortion’, standing on the sidewalk adjacent to Bordella Women’s Clinic on Old Main.  There was a faint hint of Baby’s Breath in the air.
     “I saved it for the doctor, who is the one who killed it and deserves the credit,” blonde Marcy replied in her famous white blouse, “then he hacked it to pieces, thanks for asking.”    
     This was more than the pro-life activists had ever heard in their stand-in-the-corner lives, created a shock wave that formed a gallop down the center of the aisle of brazen Jane Roe reactionaries added to little selfish squints of baron spinsters and filthy old men who had nothing better to do.  The disorganized herd of faith-based jackals, as recorded elsewhere, began waxing self-righteous.  One woman in the group had a scowl on her face that rivaled horn-rimmed Satan.
     “You won’t be so proud when…

How To Bowl With Worn Out Leftover Crystal Balls


Dag blasted, bowling balls are downright expensive!  The union workers who manufacture bowling balls are stingy little dream killers, charging as much as twenty dollars per finger hole while they get paid to take naps when they’re not doddling around the water cooler (if they even bother showing up that day).  There are five holes in a bowling ball I think and each corresponds to a single digit.  By the time they do the math for you, you are paying $499.95 plus insurance for a bored out spherical rock.

Listen carefully: that does not include a carrying bag.  You can’t just palm this thing while you’re out getting groceries, you need a special bag that is made by a whole other set of workers who are doing their level best to dismantle capitalism as part of an international revolution, starting with bowling and the sport of bowling I think by the looks of it anyway.

I won’t pay it.  I won’t be bothering those people anymore, as my father says.  I will instead be making my own. …

Just Who the Fuck is Jules Trellis?

It is well known in literary circles that Jules Trellis and myself are not bedfellows.  We are perhaps at the polar ends of the political and religious spectrum – he is a state apologist opportunist hack war criminal and I am a fervent seeker of the truth who stops at nothing to rend the facts from the myopic madness that is post-modern society.  Trellis and I are as blood and water, not likely to mix unless Stephen King is writing his adolescent fantasies.

I do not want to let my learned prowess prejudice or cloud your own democratic interpretation of the man.  So, lets examine and find out: just who is Jules Trellis?

Trellis was born in Nuevo Manhattan when that was still a thing that was being done just shy of 50 years ago.  Since dropping out of school at age 17, he has been a mainstay in the editorial section of your daily newspaper – his op-eds are syndicated in 250 key languages throughout the galaxy.  The son of time merchants, he is also the great-great-great grandchild of H…

The Lady In The Purse: Chapter II

(continued from Chapter I)


Front Entry

You are standing outside the front of a door.  On a table, nearby, sits a glass of clear liquid upon a golden saucer.  The Lady in the Purse is currently bathing in the cup, and she begins singing an annoying rendition of a Bee Gees song.  You are looking toward the west wall which is cheaply designed with gold plated crustaceans next to a painting of silver-plated glasses filled with what appears to be red wine!


You wait a few minutes, noticing some intricate rococo guild on the opposite wall that looks provincial, but not in a good-bad way which, upon thinking it over, you realize that makes it better-worse.

The Lady in the Purse calls out from behind you, “I am ready, darling.  Oh, I do feel much better, I’ll feel even better when I get out of here.  Yeah, I can’t get out of a cup, huh.  I took a bath in 8 ounces of water.  Well… I think it is water.  It is odorless, and it does have a specific weight of 1.  I remember that …

The Signs and Symptoms of Acute Insanity Disorder

The 23 symptoms of Acute Insanity Syndrome (all symptoms must exist to be properly called Acute Insanity Syndrome).  If you, or someone you tolerate exhibits these signs, please see your nearest government specialist as soon as you get off work.  As a word of caution, be sure not to miss any work or you may fall under mandatory monitoring at a Liberty Camp near you.  No need to go there yourself, a friendly officer will escort you if you are absent more than once and are therefore ruled unstable in absentia.  Remember that non-workers do not have rights, they have only one right - the right never to be heard from again.

Persistent arguments with plants about such frivolous subjects as the standard rules and advanced strategies of table tennis.Supreme hatred for candy canes and the broader issue of candy cane rights that, turns out, makes it hard on the sweet innocent peppermints.The urge to knock down walls and other interior design projects that never materializes, but never diminish…

Do I Have Acute Insanity Syndrome?

This was fake news, brought to you by Sleep Ed.

Beginners Cigar Etiquette and Tutorial For Non-Smokers

Never bother someone who is smoking a cigar unless you positively want trouble.Never complain about cigar smoke or make a smoker feel self-conscious about smoking a cigar.Always ask if you can help someone who is having difficulty lighting their cigar.If someone does not have a cigar and indicates they want one, it is considered rude not to seek out the nearest reputable tabaquero.If you are already buying one, you might as well pick up an entire box, returning promptly.If you go out to purchase cigars for someone, you should always hurry back and not make any excuses if you are late.  If you mismanage your time, be sure to give notice and be prepared to "make it right" when you finally arrive.If you buy someone a box of cigars and the party does not positively love the label, you should leave quietly, taking your cheap cigars with you.  Do not expect to ever hear from that person again – it is considered a family insult to most people of a certain breeding.It is strictly in…

Flashing Party Intrigues

Santinita Del Arquwez stars in this dark-yet-understated off-beat turgid at times pedantic period cult indy feature from Darnicle Pictures.  Dunder Stankovs (Arquwez), purveyor of a squash plantation, teams up with Melanie Ann Sumway (Fiadora Bonkers), a cigar accountant known for her catchphrase “If I’m involved, there’s gotta be some way because that’s my name, Melanie Ann Sumway”, in hatching a scheme to bare their breasts in front of President Vlakspek (Foligraphy Cmokoblans) during an upcoming press conference before the Joint Chiefs of Graft.

Making her film debut, Dr. Galia Stephancrawl plays the friend who warned against it, Mistress Iarcolona Fowlcatcher, a mid forties Harvard professor who had been recently removed from her tenure pending an investigation into an incident that involved underpants cameras in her lecture hall.  Several young men reported that she threatened to show videos of their large hairy reproductive organs and penises to faculty and students if they di…

Hedgefont's Reverse Pyramid of Power

Hedgefont's Reverse Pyramid of Power

 0.  Personal bondage and dependence
 1.  Personal liberty and control
 2.  Nationalized collective power organization
 3.  Nationalized authoritarian power consolidation
 4.  Planetary rule, one government, one tongue, one currency
 5.  Galaxy rule, one god
 6.  Universal rule, omnipotence (mother of god)
 7.  Infinite Omnipotence (IO)
 8.  Being everything cyclically
 9.  Moving freely in non-linear time
10.  Micro control of every occurance
11.  Subliminal control of all thoughts in the multiverse
12.  Professed universal dominance of all time and space (PUDOATS)
13.  [Known only to level 12]

Politics in Texas

A herd of cowboy hats in a Cadillac convertible with Bull horns on the hood drive up shooting shotguns in the air, and screaming "whiskey whiskey whiskey!!!"
Chug their bottles and throw them violently in the driveway, pissed, shooting the broken glass.
"Fuck you goddamn Yankee piece of shit bourbon!"
"How do you like me now?"
"Not at all."
"Everything bigger in this here place."
"You know what ain't bigger ?"
"Nope.  Couldn't be anything in Texas."
"The minds, Harold, the minds."
"What a god awful thing to say.  Sumbitch.  Remember the Alamo."
"Remember that the earth is more than 6000 years old.  Teach it to your babies, Harry you goddamn lightweight."