Showing posts from 2017

The Signs and Symptoms of Acute Insanity Disorder

The 23 symptoms of Acute Insanity Syndrome (all symptoms must exist to be properly called Acute Insanity Syndrome).  If you, or someone you tolerate exhibits these signs, please see your nearest government specialist as soon as you get off work.  As a word of caution, be sure not to miss any work or you may fall under mandatory monitoring at a Liberty Camp near you.  No need to go there yourself, a friendly officer will escort you if you are absent more than once and are therefore ruled unstable in absentia.  Remember that non-workers do not have rights, they have only one right - the right never to be heard from again.

Persistent arguments with plants about such frivolous subjects as the standard rules and advanced strategies of table tennis.Supreme hatred for candy canes and the broader issue of candy cane rights that, turns out, makes it hard on the sweet innocent peppermints.The urge to knock down walls and other interior design projects that never materializes, but never diminish…

Do I Have Acute Insanity Syndrome?

This was fake news, brought to you by Sleep Ed.

Beginners Cigar Etiquette and Tutorial For Non-Smokers

Never bother someone who is smoking a cigar unless you positively want trouble.Never complain about cigar smoke or make a smoker feel self-conscious about smoking a cigar.Always ask if you can help someone who is having difficulty lighting their cigar.If someone does not have a cigar and indicates they want one, it is considered rude not to seek out the nearest reputable tabaquero.If you are already buying one, you might as well pick up an entire box, returning promptly.If you go out to purchase cigars for someone, you should always hurry back and not make any excuses if you are late.  If you mismanage your time, be sure to give notice and be prepared to "make it right" when you finally arrive.If you buy someone a box of cigars and the party does not positively love the label, you should leave quietly, taking your cheap cigars with you.  Do not expect to ever hear from that person again – it is considered a family insult to most people of a certain breeding.It is strictly in…

Flashing Party Intrigues

Santinita Del Arquwez stars in this dark-yet-understated off-beat turgid at times pedantic period cult indy feature from Darnicle Pictures.  Dunder Stankovs (Arquwez), purveyor of a squash plantation, teams up with Melanie Ann Sumway (Fiadora Bonkers), a cigar accountant known for her catchphrase “If I’m involved, there’s gotta be some way because that’s my name, Melanie Ann Sumway”, in hatching a scheme to bare their breasts in front of President Vlakspek (Foligraphy Cmokoblans) during an upcoming press conference before the Joint Chiefs of Graft.

Making her film debut, Dr. Galia Stephancrawl plays the friend who warned against it, Mistress Iarcolona Fowlcatcher, a mid forties Harvard professor who had been recently removed from her tenure pending an investigation into an incident that involved underpants cameras in her lecture hall.  Several young men reported that she threatened to show videos of their large hairy reproductive organs and penises to faculty and students if they di…

Hedgefont's Reverse Pyramid of Power

Hedgefont's Reverse Pyramid of Power

 0.  Personal bondage and dependence
 1.  Personal liberty and control
 2.  Nationalized collective power organization
 3.  Nationalized authoritarian power consolidation
 4.  Planetary rule, one government, one tongue, one currency
 5.  Galaxy rule, one god
 6.  Universal rule, omnipotence (mother of god)
 7.  Infinite Omnipotence (IO)
 8.  Being everything cyclically
 9.  Moving freely in non-linear time
10.  Micro control of every occurance
11.  Subliminal control of all thoughts in the multiverse
12.  Professed universal dominance of all time and space (PUDOATS)
13.  [Known only to level 12]

Politics in Texas

A herd of cowboy hats in a Cadillac convertible with Bull horns on the hood drive up shooting shotguns in the air, and screaming "whiskey whiskey whiskey!!!"
Chug their bottles and throw them violently in the driveway, pissed, shooting the broken glass.
"Fuck you goddamn Yankee piece of shit bourbon!"
"How do you like me now?"
"Not at all."
"Everything bigger in this here place."
"You know what ain't bigger ?"
"Nope.  Couldn't be anything in Texas."
"The minds, Harold, the minds."
"What a god awful thing to say.  Sumbitch.  Remember the Alamo."
"Remember that the earth is more than 6000 years old.  Teach it to your babies, Harry you goddamn lightweight."

Renowned Actor Breaks Fifth Wall

Renowned Actor Breaks Fifth Wall
Alfred Hitchcock secretly intimated to Raymond Burr, in 1945, before the two met, that the one "last obstacle before the endgame is, and has always been, through the fifth wall."  Rod Serling was more direct, telling Norman Mailer, in an unpublished interview conducted by Jack Rubenstein at a Dallas night club in 1958 that he believed that the fifth wall was something that would never be discovered, but added that was only because it could not be imagined.

Occultist Aleister Crowley intimated to Ogden Nash that the only way the one chosen to break the fifth wall could fail was by trying to succeed at it.  Gene Roddenberry and George Lucas have signed a joint statement that is legal and binding.  The main point of the document - that the fifth wall was sacred and unpublishable.  Both agreed that neither of them would break it without notifying the other at least 30 days prior.
"It really is this sort of, if you will, seal of the apocaly…

Interactive Fiction: The Lady In The Purse (1983)

Front Entry
You are standing outside the front of a door.  On a table, nearby, sits a glass of clear liquid upon a golden saucer.  
Your lips are parched.
>inspect liquid [in glass, after taking glass] Taken
The liquid is odorless, colorless, and has a specific weight of 1.
Your tongue is dry.
>examine saucer There is nothing interesting about the golden saucer.
You are holding, in your hand, a glass containing a clear substance that resembles water.  You are wearing a wristwatch.  Your purse (unopened) contains an unopened envelope and a tiny lady.
Your throat feels like sandpaper.
>ask lady in the purse about glass of water You don't see the lady in the purse!
>open purse
Opening your purse reveals, besides the ordinary fare, an unopened envelope and a tiny lady.
"What do you want now?!" Screams the lady, "you're letting the cold air in."
Your starting to dehydrate from a lack of  water.
>tell me about the glass of liquid [said to the lady in the…