It is well known in literary circles that Jules Trellis and myself are not bedfellows. We are perhaps at the polar ends of the political and religious spectrum – he is a state apologist opportunist hack war criminal and I am a fervent seeker of the truth who stops at nothing to rend the facts from the myopic madness that is post-modern society. Trellis and I are as blood and water, not likely to mix unless Stephen King is writing his adolescent fantasies.
I do not want to let my learned prowess prejudice or cloud your own democratic interpretation of the man. So, lets examine and find out: just who is Jules Trellis?
Trellis was born in Nuevo Manhattan when that was still a thing that was being done just shy of 50 years ago. Since dropping out of school at age 17, he has been a mainstay in the editorial section of your daily newspaper – his op-eds are syndicated in 250 key languages throughout the galaxy. The son of time merchants, he is also the great-great-great grandchild of Huey Lewis, the 20th century’s answer to Stanly Dunwap.
His parents were Storgwellian immigrants who settled here after the “Great Bad Times” sometime prior to 2321. You may have noticed, that year coincides with the Edict of Fit that effectively consolidated power between North and South Dirgsta by making all non-Storgwellian prefecto claims to the land null and void. Ethnic Gions in Storgwellia are called rudely the Dawkwas (“frumpy dumpies”) whose ancestors had owned the land since at least before the end of the Common Era sometime around 2017.
Some credit this grabby advance for creating the environment that lead to the Unfortunate Events of 2650. However, that point of view is hotly contested in scholarship. On the one hand, 99.9% of those in the capacity to know agree and a team of the minority objectors is lead by, guess who → Jules Trellis. Irony?
The most notable example of perhaps one of the worst interpretations for the Unfortunate Events of 2650 (which, it should be mentioned for clarity, have not technically happened yet in this time space) comes from Jules Trellis himself.
“The Unfortunate Events of 2650 occurred but were not unfortunate at all,” he is quoted in his 2346 article for Time Travel magazine, “someone made up the unfortunate label for some unknown reason I suspect has something to do with childish feelings.”
This is who was exalted by the Burke-Conservatives as their leader: a boneheaded Unfortunate Events denier. The events were unfortunate because we know that after that date there are no human societies left alive. You see? That is how we came to that conclusion. Remember it is theoretically impossible to time port to that year, which represents an asymptote in the Biggs-Diz equation? Jules Trellis conveniently forgets this conjecture without a thread of legitimate evidence.
“No people left,” Sirk Bai, the famous digital wisdom unit said, when asked to give her opinion about the outcome of the anomaly of 2650 that is believed to start as early as 2643. Although manned missions after that time always return transformed into shaving cream, we did have one successful voyage as recently as last year that landed in Barak 23, 2643 that concluded there was some interference going on in the ancient wheels of time. However, nothing further is known as the crew gradually went mad over a two-week decompression period.
Trellis wants to strip funding for public projects that work to prevent the Unfortunate Events of 2650. That is his agenda. That is why Trellis makes so many kremlins for speaking at churches, mosques, and sladamya houses throughout the state of earth. Mind you, Trellis’s fees are paid directly by the Storgwellian-run Order of the Mark.
The Order of the Mark has been funding Trellis since at least the 2370’s. Prior to that time frame, little was known about Trellis until recently when documents began to show up on dotchal media that seem to confirm that he was, in fact, the pyrotechnic manager for Stanley Dunwop’s Waving the Flag tour of 2368. You may remember that was the one that ended in extreme tragedy. The new evidence seems to reveal that Trellis caused seven explosions at Gilliak Stadium with a careless attitude relating to a display of fireworks that were “juiced” (Trellis’s words) to make a “big fun time” (my words).
“Too much pepper,” Trellis is rumored to have confided to a close friend who later betrayed him by revealing his secrets to the papers.
Yeah, and I have to be tormented by this individual for most of my career. I have to pretend that this person is not someone who should be immediately violated and stripped of every right he ever had for the irresponsible words that come from his vile mind. His destructive demagogic treatises reveal a willful ignorance that has never been seen before anywhere. How I wish I could take Jules Trellis and rip him limb from limb in a public square with my bare hands. Make no mistake, I would do just that if given half the chance.
Do not forget that every other day, a new assassin from the future comes to my door looking to destroy me before I finish the task I was sent here to perform. Make no error: until the day Jules Trellis and his mob are extinguished forever, none of us are really safe anymore.
As for this article, all of the information has now been concluded and you may go back to your lava stations.
I do not want to let my learned prowess prejudice or cloud your own democratic interpretation of the man. So, lets examine and find out: just who is Jules Trellis?
Trellis was born in Nuevo Manhattan when that was still a thing that was being done just shy of 50 years ago. Since dropping out of school at age 17, he has been a mainstay in the editorial section of your daily newspaper – his op-eds are syndicated in 250 key languages throughout the galaxy. The son of time merchants, he is also the great-great-great grandchild of Huey Lewis, the 20th century’s answer to Stanly Dunwap.
His parents were Storgwellian immigrants who settled here after the “Great Bad Times” sometime prior to 2321. You may have noticed, that year coincides with the Edict of Fit that effectively consolidated power between North and South Dirgsta by making all non-Storgwellian prefecto claims to the land null and void. Ethnic Gions in Storgwellia are called rudely the Dawkwas (“frumpy dumpies”) whose ancestors had owned the land since at least before the end of the Common Era sometime around 2017.
Some credit this grabby advance for creating the environment that lead to the Unfortunate Events of 2650. However, that point of view is hotly contested in scholarship. On the one hand, 99.9% of those in the capacity to know agree and a team of the minority objectors is lead by, guess who → Jules Trellis. Irony?
The most notable example of perhaps one of the worst interpretations for the Unfortunate Events of 2650 (which, it should be mentioned for clarity, have not technically happened yet in this time space) comes from Jules Trellis himself.
“The Unfortunate Events of 2650 occurred but were not unfortunate at all,” he is quoted in his 2346 article for Time Travel magazine, “someone made up the unfortunate label for some unknown reason I suspect has something to do with childish feelings.”
This is who was exalted by the Burke-Conservatives as their leader: a boneheaded Unfortunate Events denier. The events were unfortunate because we know that after that date there are no human societies left alive. You see? That is how we came to that conclusion. Remember it is theoretically impossible to time port to that year, which represents an asymptote in the Biggs-Diz equation? Jules Trellis conveniently forgets this conjecture without a thread of legitimate evidence.
“No people left,” Sirk Bai, the famous digital wisdom unit said, when asked to give her opinion about the outcome of the anomaly of 2650 that is believed to start as early as 2643. Although manned missions after that time always return transformed into shaving cream, we did have one successful voyage as recently as last year that landed in Barak 23, 2643 that concluded there was some interference going on in the ancient wheels of time. However, nothing further is known as the crew gradually went mad over a two-week decompression period.
Trellis wants to strip funding for public projects that work to prevent the Unfortunate Events of 2650. That is his agenda. That is why Trellis makes so many kremlins for speaking at churches, mosques, and sladamya houses throughout the state of earth. Mind you, Trellis’s fees are paid directly by the Storgwellian-run Order of the Mark.
The Order of the Mark has been funding Trellis since at least the 2370’s. Prior to that time frame, little was known about Trellis until recently when documents began to show up on dotchal media that seem to confirm that he was, in fact, the pyrotechnic manager for Stanley Dunwop’s Waving the Flag tour of 2368. You may remember that was the one that ended in extreme tragedy. The new evidence seems to reveal that Trellis caused seven explosions at Gilliak Stadium with a careless attitude relating to a display of fireworks that were “juiced” (Trellis’s words) to make a “big fun time” (my words).
“Too much pepper,” Trellis is rumored to have confided to a close friend who later betrayed him by revealing his secrets to the papers.
Yeah, and I have to be tormented by this individual for most of my career. I have to pretend that this person is not someone who should be immediately violated and stripped of every right he ever had for the irresponsible words that come from his vile mind. His destructive demagogic treatises reveal a willful ignorance that has never been seen before anywhere. How I wish I could take Jules Trellis and rip him limb from limb in a public square with my bare hands. Make no mistake, I would do just that if given half the chance.
Do not forget that every other day, a new assassin from the future comes to my door looking to destroy me before I finish the task I was sent here to perform. Make no error: until the day Jules Trellis and his mob are extinguished forever, none of us are really safe anymore.
As for this article, all of the information has now been concluded and you may go back to your lava stations.
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Now be honest.