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The Signs and Symptoms of Acute Insanity Disorder

The 23 symptoms of Acute Insanity Syndrome (all symptoms must exist to be properly called Acute Insanity Syndrome).  If you, or someone you tolerate exhibits these signs, please see your nearest government specialist as soon as you get off work.  As a word of caution, be sure not to miss any work or you may fall under mandatory monitoring at a Liberty Camp near you.  No need to go there yourself, a friendly officer will escort you if you are absent more than once and are therefore ruled unstable in absentia.  Remember that non-workers do not have rights, they have only one right - the right never to be heard from again.

  1. Persistent arguments with plants about such frivolous subjects as the standard rules and advanced strategies of table tennis.
  2. Supreme hatred for candy canes and the broader issue of candy cane rights that, turns out, makes it hard on the sweet innocent peppermints.
  3. The urge to knock down walls and other interior design projects that never materializes, but never diminishes in scope or fervor.
  4. Having made prior arrangements, deciding not to attend family gatherings until each of them writes you a solemn letter apologizing for all wrongs committed against you.
  5. Digging needlessly through your purse for no apparent reason, then pulling out keys.
  6. Expressing chagrin every time a story about NASA or a tropical storm comes on the news.
  7. Needlessly insulting the bus driver right before your stop.
  8. Yelling swear words at clergymen out to lunch.
  9. Seeing carnival workers in mirrors lurking behind.  When you turn around, they mysteriously vanish.
  10. Being seen rummaging through piles of $5.00 DVD’s, filthy with human germs, trying and hoping to find Edward Scissorhands, but only ending up with intractable non-human  papillomavirus and The Bad News Bears starring a cantankerous Billy Bob Thornton as Coach Buttermaker.
  11. Disinterest in pillows and other cloth cushion boxes that only grows more profound at night.
  12. Intense and otherwise excessive studying of the general process of menstruation. 
  13. Very high grades, or always receiving the highest grade possible in every endeavor (this symptom alone is enough to be diagnosed with chronic acute insanity syndrome).
  14. Very normal amount of showering or grooming.
  15. Perfectly standard in every way.
  16. Smiles a little to the left.
  17. Might have a tendency to skip through fields of daisies .
  18. Does not appreciate being disrespected after giving hard-earned advice about life to young adults at the mall.
  19. Begins to lack patience for tepid bath water.
  20. Will not stand a parade going down his/her street.
  21. Might be very calm a lot until the last minute and then just yells a lot but is neither a danger to his or her self, or others.
  22. Lives in a halfway house 75 miles from drug alley.
  23. Staying up late making a list of symptoms for a fictitious mental complex for a blog no one reads (and making that joke like it has not been made multiple times already by, face it, very clownish individuals who have no dignity whatsoever).

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