Hooker Horoscope

Today's Birthday:  The sun is in the sky today, except at night.  The moon will probably be out at night unless the ceiling gets in the way as usual.  Well, you're a year older.  If you are very old, then that means you will probably not be alive more than 100 more years, but if you're young, you may have over 100 more years to live.  So, use it wisely.  You will work your job, for awhile, then your pension will be stolen and you'll be homeless.  Your family will disown you and the world will forget you ever existed.  That may happen sometime later.  You are the underdog, the maverick.  It is time to take guns to work, and show those bosses just how much you mean to them.  Either way, you will be taken care of after unless you kill less than a billion people.

ARIES (March 21-April 19) You've been sitting around too long.  It is time to do something with your life, and not any of that nonsense you've been doing.  Listen, life is not a series of random happenings, alright, it is planned out ahead of time.  A garbage man will knock on your door and ask you if you want your trash dumped in his truck.  You will tell him that of course you do, and he will look perplexed.  This man is not the garbage man, but he will take your garbage.  Do not ask him about his suit coat, or, it won't be pretty, trust me.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will nearly be attacked by a bull tomorrow at 12:45 AM.  At the last minute, a police officer will distract the bull, and then demand you pay him a bribe, or else, he will lock up your elephants in the zoo jail.  They will not have a good life in the zoo jail, because the jail guards are former rock stars.  The elephants will return in a few years covered with tattoos, and will not be of any use to anyone, so will be sent back to the wild.  They will seek out the bull that charged you for centuries, passing down the knowledge for generations, never forgetting what happened to them.  In ten thousand years, the offspring of this elephant heard will wipe out cattle from the face of the earth.  Your fault.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20) Today you will meet a powerful mind-psychic who will give you super human intelligence for about 24 hours.  You need to use that power wisely because when the effect wears off, you will have only super human stupidity, and will likely crawl around asking for whiskey in poor neighborhoods and be kicked in the crotch by suburban school children repeatedly.  Instead, figure a way to steal all the money in the world, then you can be stupid but do whatever you want anyway.  Be sure to write everything down in crayon and symbols because you will not be able to read after tomorrow night.  You cannot trust the night watchman, he steals ideology from professors and re-markets it as popular self-help.

FROGMAN (June 21 – June 22) Be careful about talking to people in tongues, you may be insulting a future spouse in the process.  Frogmen can be jumpy this time of year, so watch out for fires and being dropped in the wilderness at random like a zoo animal released into the wild.  Try not to be an invasive species if you can help it.  Have sandwiches ready but do not make them too early.  A seaside witch will cause your nose to turn pitch black.  Your bank account will not be available until Monday.  Dress warm.

ORANGE COUCH (June 23-June 27) Somewhere a tow truck will speed down the expressway.  A foreign object will be lodged in your rectum, and you know this is the hundredth time.  Not much you can do about it.  A rerun of Fantasy Island will remind you that all this time you have never written your own television script or followed one of your dreams.  At two AM, noises may indicate that mice living in your vicinity want you dead.  It could also be ghosts of past teachers who will demand that you do your homework neatly for once, and not turn in another stained-wad of scribble.

HAYSTACK (June 28-June 30) Four police officers will beat you with rolls of duct tape repeatedly and without warning.  A night watchman will attempt to draw a gallon of your blood for medical research involving governments and secret espionage.  Your milk is being delivered by Polish spies who are taking samples for an experiment involving titty clones.  Recipes for success will lead you astray.  They are smarter than you think, they are more involved than you could ever dream.  It is deeper than you know – so be careful.  Watch out in case you get hacked.  Or worse, you may be targeted by shadow governments and bankers and Jews, all that, like, all and every bad thing you have ever heard of plus five million times more that you haven't even heard of once.  It's pretty bad, look, all conspiracies are lining up against you.  Beware.

FENCE BREAKER (July 1-July 3) A glass of water will be the death of you if you are not careful.  Several polar bears will be living in your basement and closet space, although, believe me, you do not want to even consider the alternative.  Bats will roam your side streets, casting foggy grins towards your house, lowering the property value, winding up drinking orange-aide from a soda straw.   Fountain drinks may contain life-threatening lava.  A beehive will be built in your toilet seat.  A horse will wonder by and, not facing you, have the feeling that you are lurching behind her trying something, and will kick violently for hours.  Rodeo clowns don't need to worry, but everyone else best watch yo shit.

TREE LOVER (July 4- July 5) You will get yours, you piece of garbage.  You are always starting wars and that, but eventually you will pay for your crimes.  They are watching you.  Several aliens are also tracking you down.  That time when you wiped out a whole village, threw grenades down the wells, burned the crops, then took a break for lunch, continued on with the atrocity, look, no one ever forgot about it.  It is going to bite you on the ass today.  Put those victims names on a wall, not the pig murderers you sent there.  Your ethos is the philosophy of five-minute evil, but your a-hole is going to be rounded up slowly and burned in one fell swoop this Monday at 1:14, not sure AM or PM, or if it may be 9 o'clock Eastern Thirty.

BOG TRECKER (July 6-July 9) Getting ready for a new job, you will be fishing in a snake park when a boa constrictor is going to latch aholt of your wrist and treat it like a bean bag.  Something will happen on the internet.  Folks who brag about the flag will act like they are better than you and they are.  A man named Boris will rob you and say that his name backwards and in Spanish told him to do it.

RANCH HAND (July 10-July 21) Men in orange suits will approach your apartment and explain that it is okay but it is not okay.  Forty seven trucks will line up and run you over in succession.  An actor named Segal will beat you up asking for information about where someone or something is or who sent you.  When you do not confess right away, he will coax you to talk using violence.  You may run into Will Smith, or someone who looks exactly like him, and you will find he's not as funny in person.  That won't stop you from fainting to be in his presence.

PREYING MANTIS (July 22 – July 28) You will be accused of not being vigorous in your treatment of a very important subject.  You will reinvent the wheel to be more effective at rolling.  Handle bars will stand on themselves.  Fourteen whistle blowers will reveal that the calendar is off by a half a second.  Marks will demand fairness.  Groups of fashion experts will be shown to have no style.  Critics will be speared in the chest much worse than Jesus.  Fantasy football players will gouge out a hole in the wall, stick their genitals in the wall, and act like that is normal and convince passers-by to agree with them.

RIVER MARTYR(July 29-December 31) Expect the typical or at the very least exactly what you would expect.  Get off your high horse.  Who you think you are, Augie Myers?  Forget about it.  You're not Augie Myers (unless you happen to be Augie Myers, in which case, you can stay on your high horse for a few more years unless you suddenly stop being Augie Myers for some reason or another).  You and your pet fish will be nonplussed when the police search his tank after accusing him of working for alien terrorists in a plot to slap the surgeon general with a slimy fin for the purpose of embarrassing a good saint.  The cops won't find the evidence, but, you will have a conversation later with your guppy and learn the truth.  You are not a snitch, but then you will remember the time he made a pass at your husband or wife.  You'll send an anonymous tip and the cops will cart your tropical pet to other lands where laws don't apply.  All of this will be covered in a news special.

BARNEY FIFE (January 1 – January 10) You are going to hate today.  No advice I could give you will help at all, not even a little bit.  Stay in bed or go out, either way, you're facing utter madness all around you without any signs of a letup.  You've done too many drugs again, don't blame the horoscope.

STAMP LICKER (January 11 – January 15) Ever have the feeling you are not doing as well as you planned when you were five years old?  Ever think maybe you're not grown up yet but you are not getting any smaller either?  Well, the answer to those riddles will not be relevant at all today.  Look for a typical run of the mill sort of afternoon, with a possibility that your cab driver will show you his scholong.

AQUARIUS (January 16 – February 36) You will have a field day until the sun goes down, at which point, you'll just get to bed early and think nothing of it.  Years later, you will not even remember it.  That is, until you realize that on this day you found the greatest secret of humankind by accident but the moment you remember, in a thousand years, you will forget but just know that you knew the secret only briefly.  You will also be excommunicated today from your faith unless you bring a sandwich.

SPECIAL PERSON (March 1 – March 20) Hundreds of glass milk bottles will suddenly be flying around in your house on their own all day.  Metaphysical scientists will not be able to explain it until about 8:39, when, after a breakthrough, someone will come to the conclusion that punishments often have an element of irony that explains why the Army stopped using them.  When you are about to nod off to sleep, a memory will occur, in which you were waking up for school, and you had forgot to finish your science project, a study of far northern Alaskan weather on December 21, was due.  Then, your family will hate you because they always push you to do your best in science, because that is a good subject to them, then you will remember that you've drank all the milk and it wasn't expired until tomorrow so you'll stop everything you are doing and quit your job.  But, listen, that is the good part.  The bad part is that no one will notice any of it.  It comes with the territory, which was your conclusion for your science project.  Don't fiddle around with any homeless people's bed stuff today, or you may find more than you bargained for.

Domesday Book

Quaternary Source

Beginners Cigar Etiquette and Tutorial For Non-Smokers

The Astonishing Not Coincidences

Flashing Party Intrigues

Our Privacy Policy

Renowned Actor Breaks Fifth Wall