In the very first written tradition of all, new in and of itself, I, Salecia Magus, do swear to do faith to the prescripts detailed me from the Heavens.
Be born. First. Start out with your own birth. This is a necessary prerequisite to walking around. Find a birthing point, roll out of the birthing canal, and get your feet moving. There are many in the community who would choose to start at conception. Wrong. Do not concern yourself with anything before the crowning. Those details are the property of the individuals in charge of the manufacturing process.
Next, get your name. Be sure and get a good name. A bad name, called a bad omen, can result in a mildly unhappy time of life. Do not pick Barton Mollytroph. Whatever you pick, have your progenitors write it out, in legal form, your birth name, weight, location, and birth date. The birth date is especially important for knowing when to have your birthday party. Keep this document later to prove you exist and to keep a solid count of candles on the annual cake.
In the next phase, you want to be a suckling for awhile. Try to get on a teat, if at all possible. Those are the best sources. Lay in a crib for a time. When you wake up at night, do not be afraid to make a little noise.
Do not walk right away! Wait a little while. Have your picture taken at least every month, and have your mommy distribute them to family and friends. Ask her to write on the back of the picture, your name, and how old you were.
Stay as small as you can. Grow, but take your time. Many a new human has grown up too quickly and thus ended up worse for the wear. Take your time. Do not talk, or, if you do, limit your speech to rudimentary syllables.
It is best not to write any books while you are a baby, or even a toddler. In fact, limit your writing to scribbling, preferably with crayon, on the wall, or in a favorite book of your mommy or your daddy’s work papers that he carelessly leaves on a coffee table.
This is very important. Do not use the toilet. Have your mommy give you a special garment to collect your waste. When you use it, have her or your daddy clean it up and give you a whole new one. You may find you are going in bed, that is fine too.
When you first walk, make a big deal about it. Call your mommy into the room, tell her to locate your daddy and any siblings you might have. Remember, once you start walking on your own, it is beginning the troubling path of endless suffering.
You still have some time, though, to act a fool. Start using words like “gimme” and “mine”. Those are very important to the vocabulary of toddlers and adults as especially.
When you eat, every now and then, spit it right out. Also, do not be afraid to vomit on occasion. Throw your food, on the floor if at all possible. When your mommy picks it up, throw it again. See how many times you can get her to pick it up before she loses control of her temper. Try the same thing with daddy, and compare who has the most patience. You should understand enough about science by this age to have your data peer-reviewed. However, if you do not, consider self-publishing.
At a certain age, perhaps 2.75, you will want to begin to test your parents will even more. Do this by doing the exact opposite of what you are told. If you are told to go to bed be sure not to go, whatever you do. Turn your head sideways and cry, or if are not sad enough to cry, fain crying. Whining also works. Do this until one of your parents has to physically lift you and place you in bed. As soon as things quiet down, five or ten minutes later, repeat the process.
When you are exactly 4.5, have your parents enroll you in school. Tell them you need a whole new wardrobe if you are to be in public everyday. Refer to your teacher by her surname. A very special technique, employed by the most advance children, is to make lifelong friends out of your classmates.
Keep in mind, if you chose to have poor parents who refuse to read even the advice column, or pilgrims, you will be paying for that choice now. It is often very difficult to switch parents midstream. My advice: lawyer up.
After this, and yes, you are on your own now friend.
Be born. First. Start out with your own birth. This is a necessary prerequisite to walking around. Find a birthing point, roll out of the birthing canal, and get your feet moving. There are many in the community who would choose to start at conception. Wrong. Do not concern yourself with anything before the crowning. Those details are the property of the individuals in charge of the manufacturing process.
Next, get your name. Be sure and get a good name. A bad name, called a bad omen, can result in a mildly unhappy time of life. Do not pick Barton Mollytroph. Whatever you pick, have your progenitors write it out, in legal form, your birth name, weight, location, and birth date. The birth date is especially important for knowing when to have your birthday party. Keep this document later to prove you exist and to keep a solid count of candles on the annual cake.
In the next phase, you want to be a suckling for awhile. Try to get on a teat, if at all possible. Those are the best sources. Lay in a crib for a time. When you wake up at night, do not be afraid to make a little noise.
Do not walk right away! Wait a little while. Have your picture taken at least every month, and have your mommy distribute them to family and friends. Ask her to write on the back of the picture, your name, and how old you were.
Stay as small as you can. Grow, but take your time. Many a new human has grown up too quickly and thus ended up worse for the wear. Take your time. Do not talk, or, if you do, limit your speech to rudimentary syllables.
It is best not to write any books while you are a baby, or even a toddler. In fact, limit your writing to scribbling, preferably with crayon, on the wall, or in a favorite book of your mommy or your daddy’s work papers that he carelessly leaves on a coffee table.
This is very important. Do not use the toilet. Have your mommy give you a special garment to collect your waste. When you use it, have her or your daddy clean it up and give you a whole new one. You may find you are going in bed, that is fine too.
When you first walk, make a big deal about it. Call your mommy into the room, tell her to locate your daddy and any siblings you might have. Remember, once you start walking on your own, it is beginning the troubling path of endless suffering.
You still have some time, though, to act a fool. Start using words like “gimme” and “mine”. Those are very important to the vocabulary of toddlers and adults as especially.
When you eat, every now and then, spit it right out. Also, do not be afraid to vomit on occasion. Throw your food, on the floor if at all possible. When your mommy picks it up, throw it again. See how many times you can get her to pick it up before she loses control of her temper. Try the same thing with daddy, and compare who has the most patience. You should understand enough about science by this age to have your data peer-reviewed. However, if you do not, consider self-publishing.
At a certain age, perhaps 2.75, you will want to begin to test your parents will even more. Do this by doing the exact opposite of what you are told. If you are told to go to bed be sure not to go, whatever you do. Turn your head sideways and cry, or if are not sad enough to cry, fain crying. Whining also works. Do this until one of your parents has to physically lift you and place you in bed. As soon as things quiet down, five or ten minutes later, repeat the process.
When you are exactly 4.5, have your parents enroll you in school. Tell them you need a whole new wardrobe if you are to be in public everyday. Refer to your teacher by her surname. A very special technique, employed by the most advance children, is to make lifelong friends out of your classmates.
Keep in mind, if you chose to have poor parents who refuse to read even the advice column, or pilgrims, you will be paying for that choice now. It is often very difficult to switch parents midstream. My advice: lawyer up.
After this, and yes, you are on your own now friend.
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