Do You Know This Person?

by Della Ridge, guest-writer

Never have so many died for so much to gain so little of the crumbs that were left for so few.

 

You cannot friend someone you don’t know or you will be punished. What Nazi spin-off thought up this rule? Doesn’t it all sound a bit Orwellian and somewhat Dickian? Who should be charged with war crimes? Are we to be tested like Job? Will this be yet another poignant case where the bad men all get away with it and we only find out after top-secret documents are furtively leaked to the newspaper? So many unanswered rhetorical questions.

One-percenters be like

I, the author, performed fifteen minutes of online wiki-intense research and found out that three-time loser Barcus Leech was that mastermind of the dark conspiracy to keep friend requests and friend replies to an absolute minimum on social media.  This is the man who originally restricted use of his fashion-of-the-day blab site to university elite.  It should therefore be no surprise to learn that he is outside the congress of civil decency.

   

 

Meeting from Hell
 

After expanding social media to the gentry and peasant classes, Leech was called to a secret meeting of high-ranking illuminati brass to discuss their ongoing diabolical agenda.  At the meeting, Leech, completely nude, announced that he thought if people who never met became friends the result would be a net negative for the forces of evil and that the illuminati had an obligation to contain friendship and sharing at all costs.



Arguments were made that possibly friends caused as much evil as they prevented.  Mayor Goldbland gave anecdotal evidence of a friend he had in college who borrowed a Blu-ray, The Natural starring Robert Redford, and never returned it.  Goldbland’s testimony lasted 7 hours and included a complete screening of the 1984 film.  





Several other members revealed they had friends who were secretly jealous of them.  For most of the rest of the meeting committee members discussed various episodes involving treachery that originated from friends.  However, the council reached a consensus when their dictator declared that friendship was a hotbed of good and decency. 



“Fiends, we are gathered here today in a serious inquiry,” said Chief Baphomet of the illuminati in an undisclosed arena in Spain as hellish elves fingered eerie organs in the way of ambience, “I don’t want to hear your pathetic chatter, [mockingly] ‘oh, drats, my friend was mean to me’.  You fail to see that friends are beneficial to the joyous center that we cannot penetrate or pervert.  Any chance we have to break these bonds is a chance we have to ruin souls and bring them before oblivion to be eaten at our dinner table.”   

“Hear me now!  We will undertake the blood sack Leech’s friend ban at once.  No one can friend anyone they have not met in the flesh.  No one shall send more than 30 friend requests in a single day.  Each will be scrutinized superfluously.  It is needless to say that all who oppose the order will be cast into the nether pit of Hades in addition to having their birthdays suspended for seven days.”

 

The Baphomet signed off on Leech’s proposal in March of two-thousand and something.  The ungodly assembly then staged a coup in a third world country as celebration of their agreement.  A ballpark hot dog famine raged at stadiums across the Iberian Peninsula and killed 80,000 people in April, a fact that is seldom mentioned.  All of this was covered up by the Pentagon.  Even the head of the CIA, whatever his name is, didn’t even have a clue until 20 years after a hacker leaked a 15,000-page report to the New York Times and Washington Post. 

 

 

Vampire much?

Ferdinand Tobar was that hacker.  A vampire from Arlington, Texas, Tobar hacked the CIA and downloaded intelligence reports utilizing an improvised quantum computer that broke through CIA firewalls.  He filled his entire home, stacked to the ceiling with printouts of the report, and began the process of reading it between feedings.  He was never able to probe its depths.  The Vampire High Senate exposed Tobar to daylight three weeks later on an unrelated charge of blood embezzlement. 

Prior to his execution, Tobar was able to divulge the most unflattering chapters to Morgan Holt, an assistant at Doormat Daily, the sadistically popular doorstep-delivered magazine.  Holt quickly misplaced the papers, but her recollection of them was detailed in the highly controversial and illegal Holt Report, printed exclusively on red paper.

 

The Vampire Senate Chamber

Daniel Ellsberg, who in 1971 leaked The Pentagon Papers concerning The United States’ involvement in the Vietnam War, remarked when asked about the recent incident that he wishes he were not contacted every time secret and damning documents from the Pentagon are brought to light.  He pointed out that since the widespread advent of time travel he is bombarded with requests for interviews.   

“It happens so often,” said Ellsberg, speaking of dire leaks to the press, “is it even news anymore?”



Thutmose IV

Blanketgate
 

According to the Holt documents, soon after the Cherub Spring, Leech was buying gold in 1929 and selling it in July of 2011.  He was also mastermind of a scheme that involved the kidnapping of Jewish families in 1938 Germany who were then shipped to 1405 BC where they were sold to Pharaoh Thutmose IV, who would pay in daughters.  It was the sick and sordid ride of a man who had lost control of himself and his empire.  Jules Trellis in an op-ed for the Sun Times called Leech “an ungodly recalcitrant train wreck”.



The general public was unaware of any of this until Blanketgate, when then Secretary of War Mallory Ghosthash bought 10 billion likes from extremely violent right wing bastard revolutionaries for 8,000 unborn babies to be delivered when they turn 18, each equipped with enough fire power to destroy a family farm. 

This information was accidentally revealed when agents allegedly working under the behest of top officials in the White House carjacked Blanket Jackson to steal The Beatles publishing catalogue that most experts believe contains unequivocal evidence that Paul McCartney, in fact, died and was resurrected.   

 

It wasn’t until May of that year that the press began to reveal the connection between the Cherub Spring and the Jackson carjacking.  Secretly, President Vigoda fired his staff and replaced them with clones.  He is currently busy burning bridges, literally and figuratively, covertly demolishing the Libertador General San MartínBridge in Argentina to test traffic patterns.  The Port Authority could not be reached for comment. 

Beings of pure energy

The Bilderberg has denied any connection after the state department subpoenaed a data mine in Philadelphia.  The secret society stopped the injunction by blackmail and threats of black magic violence but the state department is still pressing hard, going so far as to tap special counsel Omar Benjamin.

 

 

Benjamin was former undersecretary of drones in the Ben Fisher administration.  He is the de-facto handler in the CIA’s operation to survey and store the data footprint of ethereal life forms.  As recently as Thursday, Benjamin notified the white house that in the course of the program many beings of pure energy were tracked but that there were an increasing number of cases involving holograms. 

This revelation has led critics of the Fisher cabinet to claim that the double skyscrapers actually fell of their own accord and that the planes flying into them were holograms created by Russian counterintelligence in Cuba.  Gene Roddenberry and Dezi Arnez, both deceased, have threatened to sue should the claims prove credible. 

 

Omar Benjamin was not available for comment and those in a position to be familiar with the issue say he will continue his silence indefinitely.

Don’t worry - you won’t remember this part 

And who do you think was behind the cover up?  The answer: none other than Samuel “Sammy” George.  Sound confusing?  That is probably PK-73 at work again.  Designed to dull the imagination with pseudo-engineered rhetoric, PK-73 was a project hatched by alien hordes in Managua to peddle influence and launched in 3D earlier this year.

However, the spy organization WeWatch.org commandeered the program in February and rearranged the fusion servers to stimulate mind control through Sargon gases that they, with the help of a drone program undertaken by Boeing, were pouring into the atmosphere in and around dissident hotspots like the outskirts of Cleveland via invisible chemtrails.

Unfriend

Meanwhile, Leech had his hands full in August when then acting reptilian overlord Egbert Galeejee was unfriended and blocked by egotist time mogul Monald Krump.  This was seen as a galactic fiasco until the liberal media quickly downplayed the incident, burying the article in the bottom-left corner on page two under a tooth cream ad with the title American Ingenuity Outwits the Hell out of What-do-you-call-it.

“Never have so many died for so much to gain so little of the crumbs that were left for so few.  Only a spoiler generation would determine that the winners never won and the losers never lost.  Destroy this market and I will retrain it in eight weeks.  It is thither nigh nor why that hinders these cries but who ruins whom with what lies.  Never friend someone you don’t know in ‘real’ life,” quotes the entire article. 

An attempt to end the article 

Friending among consenting adults should not be considered a crime.  What is this, a game of high-stakes musical chairs?  It is a violation of civil rights to say who can friend whom.  There are more efficient ways of handling spammers and fake accounts – mass surveillance and torture to name but a few.  Will the world ever just be right?  Why do we have to constantly spend our time thinking and writing words?  Frankly, this journalist just needs to make friends.

 

You can read more Della Ridge at an undisclosed http near you.