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Chris Kyle Upgraded To Superhero

Chris Kyle, top ace killer from yards, has been upgraded to superhero status in an Austin talk-building, with men standing at podiums in ties and very serious attitudes.  To add to the credibility of the event, an agenda was printed out on paper.  The weather outlook was clear and calm.  There was the smell of hot dogs in the crowd and cotton candy was being fisted out two by the dozens.  The scene was complete with upbraided cowboy hats pointing and practically pining towards the speakers on stage.

“It was a spectacle,” said Dustin Cambridge, a high school student from Decatur, “everyone was so elated that no one could stop crying long enough to speak.  I was overwhelmed by the amount of touching that was going on, some of which seems to have been taken straight from the play book of Bill Cosby.”

Calling Kyle bad names is now considered blasphemy against the High Church of America.  Penalties include mandatory nightcaps spent with Bill "The Clone" Cosby.

“If you are going to go around and blab hate speech about the beloved Kyle, who was martyred on Groundhog's day, perhaps the very first truly American holiday, you are on the wrong side of history.  We have nothing short of a miracle akin to David's slaying Goliath except this time, David used a high-power rifle from a thousand yards away and Goliath was a woman and her baby.”

The storyteller decided not to give the woman or her child a name, and no one bothered an attempt to discover the true identity of these individuals.  No one thought it was important at the time, and certainly no one cares now.  She is not unlike the biblical Lot's wife in that respect.

“I have no remorse for killing the woman,” said Kyle in his biography, “She was already dead.  See what I just did there?  Classic Chris Kyle.”

“When someone is just a hero,” said President Ben Fisher, shaking his fist, “that ain't enough.  I mean, put on your thinking cap.  Every soldier that goes to war, or even joins the armed forces, is a hero.  In other words, they are all heroes already.  However, Kyle had a large number of confirmed kills.  Notice what I just said there.  These are confirmed kills.  We are not even counting the unconfirmed kills in those totals.  If we were to include unconfirmed kills, I would have to look into it.  I would not have discussed it with my aids.  I would not even have considered the possibility of counting unconfirmed cases because the outcome would be, probably, too much sizzle, and not enough steak.  Writer, that is going to be my presidential quote for the month, if you will just pencil that in and print it on coinage.”

Not everyone fell in love with Chris Kyle.  The child who's mother he killed, for instance, now 108, is upset, even though technically Kyle saved his or her life.

“Okay,” said the unnamed man or woman, “I know, technically I would have been killed in bombing anyway.  But, keep in mind, that martyrdom was taken away from me.  I know in America, martyrdom is not as important unless it is in the name of some abstract concept and directed by a government, church, corporation, or preferably, all three.  Where I am from, listen, besides oil, it is the only thing we still have.  You have freedom and I have martyrdom - both equal in measure of illusion."

Over 2,500 films have been made that profile Chris Kyle and his shooting skills.  Many of them  feature no actors and only portray real people being shot by rifles at a distance.  In fact, most of them are filmed entirely through the rifle scopes of The Ky-Lites, an underworld group that randomly shoots people in sandy areas and then posts the clips in the form of full-length films that are often shown on city screens throughout the world.  Because the films are said to honor the legend of Chris Kyle, they are considered untouchable by law or editorial comment.

Counterculture dissident and poor hygiene adherent Arthur Front refused to comment about anything to do with Kyle, but did divulge a statement to GlassyJones.com Wednesday that seemed to elude to the Austin spectacle.

“The weather today was calm, clear, and without blemish except that the United States government decided, yet again, in typical ivory-complexion form, over the be-sodded fabric of their already rotten society, to stand against civil decency in a most repugnant fashion.  I am seeing clear connections to the National Socialist agenda rearing an ugly head somewhere.  Adolph Hitler is thumbing an obscene finger-gesture in history's careworn face.   Yet, there is no storm on the horizon, not a cloud, not a wind, not a fruit stand that is not indoctrinated into the hegemony of the... this apocryphal beast.  Irony?  Or is it that the Gods themselves have now forsaken us in our direst hour of need – the 200th annual Commercial Sunday, already a national institution.”

Front's reference to Commercial Sunday pitted him against marketing magnate Sammy George, who refused to notice anything and looked wryly at a man with brown spectacles, who glanced knowingly, and the two were soon embracing and it bothered no one.  Bill Cosby and his clone were nowhere in sight.  However, when pressed, George broke his silence.

“I don't care about Front,” said George, drinking animal blood in a juice-suit, waiting for the kick-off, “I only want to watch the commercials.”

“Dip was served and fat people sat and wasted their lives.  Chip by chip, the gluttony boasted on.  Alcohol and drugs were on spigot demand, offered as bait to the sad embittered faces,” said Front, loading a rig of heroin carefully, “they were unaware of what was going on.  They were lost, no one could free them.  It was not easy to watch.  You know Commercial Sunday began as an obscure sporting event that was banned because the players themselves were psychopaths, and it had become overly sadistic.  Dog fights, concussions, drug abuse, rape, punching women, philandering, and murder were not only part of the program, they were expected.   The event was revamped at sometime in the first half of the 21st century, deflating the ball and becoming one long advertising fabric, that is woven by darkness and his minions to control the minds of the weak and stupid.  How inappropriate and how not what the framers had in mind. Thanks to war criminal Henry Kissinger, nothing has changed.”

No one issued any reply to Front's most recent statement, mostly owing to the fact that it was, at face value, nothing more than the rant of a dissident drug addict, besides being terribly illegal.  Also cited were the numerous mistakes in Front's version of history, the most important of which is that he completely underestimated the sick nature of the game that was played on Sunday in those times.    

“My subjects listen up.  We honor Chris Kyle as a true American Superhero,” said President Fisher during a fireside podcast, “He killed many who would kill him or his team.  The many that he killed would kill him and would think, 'if I didn't kill Chris Kyle, Chris Kyle would kill me, or my teammates'.  The enemy tries to rationalize its killing.  Chris Kyle is the individual who recognized the fundamental cause of America – to kill at a distance those with dark skin who dwell in the sandy places with oil underneath them.  Anyone doesn't like it is free to go live there and be killed.   And, my subjects, remember what I say – do your duty or else.”


The Halls of Congress were awakened by the theme from Poltergeist, and the dust played on.

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