There is one thing that is apparent from within this post-apocalyptic train wreck: the machinery is grinding to a stuttering halt. The very depths of souls are leaching into a seething abyss. No one is safe. Everyone is in danger every second of their lives. Death brings a certainty of not being killed but even then there is final judgment looming to tack on the eternal damnation of a fiery nowhere beneath a totalitarian guard tower, what Father Hitchens called "a lash to exalt the lashes".
It is no wonder, then, that we nowadays more regularly see such legislation as was introduced Thursday in the Gulag by the serpentine Rev. Guyman Starhound, the Staberterian from Halifax. Under the new bill, boxers are forbidden from using public stairs. Additionally, all stair takers will be required to show paperwork that proves they are not boxers.
Starhound, in defense of his position, cited his belief that boxers would hide their credentials, dress in street clothes, pose as non-boxers, and possibly not reveal if they were southpaw or rightie, only to wreak havoc before first responders could get a clue.
"The evidence to me is clear," said Starhound before an enabling crowd in Sondheim, "these guys are going to start causing unrest before we know it. Do you want your unborn stepchild to have to be pummeled on a staircase? We cannot know for sure if it is going to be a left or a right arm that does the punching. They may wear Punchy the Clown costumes. They may claim to be armed with the jaws of life. They may utilize managers in an advisory capacity and promoters are known to sucker punch pre-k tikes over trivialities and routinely get off scot-free, pardoned by liberals."
Most in the Staberterian movement were overjoyed that someone finally thought of the ban. That someone thought of it, and then made an honest effort to legislate the law, is perfectly in line with what Staberterians hold in their black hearts, according to sources close to the matter.
Holiday fear
"I have never been more afraid in all my life," said Jules Trellis in an op-ed for the Sun Times Tribune, "I can just picture a boxer, with oversized gloves, going down an escalator slugging mall customers unmercifully, saying happy holidays and referring to an indoor seasonal evergreen instead of a Christmas tree. It is clear to me that something must be done by the government. I believe that the Reverend Starhound's legislation is right up our alley. Boxer's train to fight, disabled babies do not know the first thing about it. Santa Claus might be Judas Iscariot."
Starhound touted a case in Georgia where he claimed 289 people were jabbed by towering boxing heavyweight Henry Lungens on a staircase located in a busy theater after a movie let out. Lungens allegedly claimed to be an "average Joe" upon embarking the stairs. Next, his manager rang a bell, Lungens put on his gloves, warmed up, and went to work, scoring fifteen technical knockouts from the choir of Catholic school boys and a small gang of disaffected inner-city youths. Next, Lungens allegedly stated that he had absolutely no reason for his outburst except that he was inconsolable after having too much freedom and not enough greed. More shockingly, according to Starhound, Lungens claimed to have the power of flight.
It was revealed in the independent press that the Lungens story was a fabrication. Efforts to locate a credible source rendered a news report in the Camden Times of a Henry Lungens in Savannah who accidentally fell from a flight of stairs and in the process hit a Navy Seal in the shin with a pillow. The article mentions that Lungens was an amateur boxer, having a record of 0-1-0 as a pigeonweight and retiring soon after his one and only fight against an unidentified California Condor.
Research into that bout is sketchy, but most who recall the event mention that Lungens took an ostrich dive 10 seconds in. The Condor, it is said, went on to win the division, or whatever it was and no one had interest enough to write it down. Besides that, there is substantial evidence that Lungens was a white goose. Some irony may have been lost, as was suggested by newspaper experts. Starhound did not concede his position, despite this evidence, and is still advocating for the bill.
"There could be a convention of World War III Veterans," Starhound said to me over the phone Friday, "and there aren't many of those heroes left these days and they are in their 110's now. They might be walking up the stairs to the capital on July Fourth... eighty, a hundred, five million of them, in wheel chairs with hospital apparatus in tow. All at once, they may be the victims of a boxer who begins by taking on the empty stare, acting the part, going along, to gain a rapport with the stair climbers. Next thing, in the blink of an eye, he might roll his fists in a furious windmill designed to knock down century-old national treasures like bowling pins in a sawmill. He may not stop there. He may slap old liberty across the jaw, he may even be heard saying that the new constitution isn't fit to be tied to a cogwheel headed straight for Hell and then worse. Any boxer might turn savage if he or she is allowed on steps assigned to non-boxers."
By this point, the reverend was out of breath and he began to wail in pain, and to cry for over 15 minutes. He was out of control. His aid picked up the receiver to inform me that the reverend was having one of his emotional breakdowns that usually ended after a short time, but not always.
"No one understands it like I do," said Rev. Starhound later, panting, "I have a gift. I speak to aliens, the lord, heads of state, down to my slaves, I never covet my neighbor's slaves unless there is a really good reason why. All signs point me to say... I mean, everything that is firing off in my mind and soul, at this moment, considering my pious disposition, leads me to believe that this particular issue is just SO important. My supporters are right on the money. My opponents are not being fair. They need to stop fighting me. Because they are wrong. This is the boxer's agenda at work. The Easter Bunny may be HULK HOGAN!!!"
A spokesperson for Henry Lungens issued a statement before a Florida militia Monday.
“Quack,” he said, riling his feathers, “Quack quack squawk. Squawk the squawk, quack in the bird quack misunderstanding. Quack just to get on with his life. Quack squawk and family. Additionally, he would also like to point out that he does not support boxers on stairs anymore than the next religious extremist.”
It is no wonder, then, that we nowadays more regularly see such legislation as was introduced Thursday in the Gulag by the serpentine Rev. Guyman Starhound, the Staberterian from Halifax. Under the new bill, boxers are forbidden from using public stairs. Additionally, all stair takers will be required to show paperwork that proves they are not boxers.
Slippery dope
"The evidence to me is clear," said Starhound before an enabling crowd in Sondheim, "these guys are going to start causing unrest before we know it. Do you want your unborn stepchild to have to be pummeled on a staircase? We cannot know for sure if it is going to be a left or a right arm that does the punching. They may wear Punchy the Clown costumes. They may claim to be armed with the jaws of life. They may utilize managers in an advisory capacity and promoters are known to sucker punch pre-k tikes over trivialities and routinely get off scot-free, pardoned by liberals."
Most in the Staberterian movement were overjoyed that someone finally thought of the ban. That someone thought of it, and then made an honest effort to legislate the law, is perfectly in line with what Staberterians hold in their black hearts, according to sources close to the matter.
Holiday fearStarhound touted a case in Georgia where he claimed 289 people were jabbed by towering boxing heavyweight Henry Lungens on a staircase located in a busy theater after a movie let out. Lungens allegedly claimed to be an "average Joe" upon embarking the stairs. Next, his manager rang a bell, Lungens put on his gloves, warmed up, and went to work, scoring fifteen technical knockouts from the choir of Catholic school boys and a small gang of disaffected inner-city youths. Next, Lungens allegedly stated that he had absolutely no reason for his outburst except that he was inconsolable after having too much freedom and not enough greed. More shockingly, according to Starhound, Lungens claimed to have the power of flight.
Bird match
Research into that bout is sketchy, but most who recall the event mention that Lungens took an ostrich dive 10 seconds in. The Condor, it is said, went on to win the division, or whatever it was and no one had interest enough to write it down. Besides that, there is substantial evidence that Lungens was a white goose. Some irony may have been lost, as was suggested by newspaper experts. Starhound did not concede his position, despite this evidence, and is still advocating for the bill.
The Passion of the Starhound
By this point, the reverend was out of breath and he began to wail in pain, and to cry for over 15 minutes. He was out of control. His aid picked up the receiver to inform me that the reverend was having one of his emotional breakdowns that usually ended after a short time, but not always.
"No one understands it like I do," said Rev. Starhound later, panting, "I have a gift. I speak to aliens, the lord, heads of state, down to my slaves, I never covet my neighbor's slaves unless there is a really good reason why. All signs point me to say... I mean, everything that is firing off in my mind and soul, at this moment, considering my pious disposition, leads me to believe that this particular issue is just SO important. My supporters are right on the money. My opponents are not being fair. They need to stop fighting me. Because they are wrong. This is the boxer's agenda at work. The Easter Bunny may be HULK HOGAN!!!"
A spokesperson for Henry Lungens issued a statement before a Florida militia Monday.
“Quack,” he said, riling his feathers, “Quack quack squawk. Squawk the squawk, quack in the bird quack misunderstanding. Quack just to get on with his life. Quack squawk and family. Additionally, he would also like to point out that he does not support boxers on stairs anymore than the next religious extremist.”
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