Behind the Undertaker's Door

This week our team visits Green’s Funeral Home on Highway 38 and Folsom Blvd.  At this location, Green offers complete world-class afterlife packages for as little as $38,995.  With a convenient onsite crematoria boasting a 100% guarantee not to accidentally destroy any souls, you can feel secure knowing whoever you send Green's will be safely waiting for you if/when you die*.

The facility, which also boasts of a 900 acre legacy grave lawn that has a whopping capacity of 250,000 plots, has been in the family for 798 years.  So so no way you’ll be conned by undead body snatchers who pretend to arrange the viewing. Then later, when the event arrives you find that all they did was eat the remains and the soul-protection was not eligible to take effect at the time. 

“My great aunt Hilda told me that a long time a gone,” said Martha Green, chief output manager at the site, “watch out, she says, baby girl, he says, this here ain’t new money you looking at, that’s for sure.  I says, well, that’s news to me I guess.  Didn’t think nothing of it at the time.  Still don’t.”

Green’s is known to specialize in a form of funeral procession known as The Clown-in-the-Cage Experience that involves dangling a clown-clad corpse up in a human-sized birdcage before immediately launching it out up into heaven with a short-stage rocket.  After a reasonable amount of time, a dreadful old man recites this somber lecture about getting right with Jesus before its too late, effectively re-directing the line of sight so no one alive sees the explosion**. 

Despite the Green’s longevity and unique brand that was once labeled the “Pride of Gilder Hollow” by Jules Trellis in a 2002 op-ed for the Sun Times, our eagle-eyed inspection revealed more than a few items that should raise the red flags high and loud.  We give a failing grade of 35 and included in our report the following demerits:

• multiple unlicensed day-old war crime corpses found sprawled out in the lobby area planked between a dozen saw horses. 
• Unsorted body parts stored in suit cases and stacked crudely less than 6 feet from the concession stand
• Quartered heads cluttering the gutters, causing ducks and other foul to take up a stubborn residence on the veranda
• Brain stems and kidneys improperly stored above 245 degrees in a drippy tin shed with bullet holes for windows.
• Blood drains clogged with teeth, tumors, and macerated toes
• Thoroughly rotten basted in mud slime Confederate General Bloody Bill Anderson found leaning sarcastically against a urinal near the gender neutral toilets.
• Countless cases that involve the mistaken embalming of living bodies who may have also been news reporters investigating the mistaken embalming of living bodies at Green’s Funeral Home in May.
• Deceased eyes left wide open or wearing inappropriate eye wear.
• random severed digits covered with flies and flesh-eating wasps improperly stored in uncovered Glad storage bowls spilling out onto the reception counter.  Said fingers and thumbs were left unattended for more than 16 hours without a lunch break.
• Noses improperly snipped off with banned machetes while a drum master tunes up his timbales defiantly in the corner of the room.  The timbale player, it should be noted, was completely indifferent to the beaks being flicked at him from almost every conceivable angle.
• cremated remains mixed and poured randomly into rusty soup cans 
• Rancid guts used to attract more rats to discarded desk drawers formerly belonging to beloved diplomats who mysteriously went missing.
• three or more unfriendly ghost swarms swimming menacingly just above everyone’s reach catcalling satanic choruses like “come on, take the Lord’s name in vain, I’m begging you honey”.
• a body placed backwards in the coffin barefoot with gel inserts sloppily applied to the souls with duct tape.  When we pointed it out, nonplussed staff informed us it means the soul would not be eligible for the warranty.
• human parts switched out with aardvark and zebra limbs then reanimated to work the lava mines in another galaxy.
• Spleens and half-hearts stored together in leaky Ziplock bags twist-tied with putrified entrails.

Although several of our inspectors have yet to send in their reports (nor have they been heard from since), we think it would be a safe bet to stay clear of Green’s Funeral Home at least until we have a chance for our follow-up holiday edition coming in December. 

People are calling this story a hoax or a joke: they are making a grave error in judgment. 























* provided you live a sinless life in God’s bounty without bringing too much pride to His table

** The exact workings of the Clown-in-the-Cage Experience is a trade secret.