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The Last Will and Testament of Adolf Hitler

The following document was found lodged under a file cabinet in Berlin at the exact location where Adolf Hitler was captured on April 30, 1945.  Do to the extreme controversy surrounding this document, it will be housed at an undisclosed location and no one will ever be able to view it.  That will include investigative journalists who are always meddling with history.



The document itself is 50 pages long.  We could not find a translator who we could trust, so we used a word-for-word translating program called "Almost Write", invented by our technical consultant B.J. Aardmark.  Aardmark died of mysterious causes shortly after he turned in the final working model of his system.  His family and community disowned him, and anyway, he was not sane so he probably killed himself.  We have word from trusted sources that Aardmark was a Soviet spy in a time when Soviet spying was really a thing.  No one should assume that just because he died mysteriously that someone like us had Aardmark killed.  We are just the good guys reporting what happened, remember. 

Dated April 1, 1945, just weeks before his death, and evidently typed on crisp Aryan white paper:

I, Adolf Charles Hitler, being of sound mind and perfect body, do, here, before the nation of Germany, my dominion, my property, anyone who says any different will die, do now solemnly present to whatever brutes takeover this building (for the second war is over, surely we will not live to see May) my final pleas as to my desires as to what will occur once I am no longer present to dictate what should occur and when and by whom.

Written-off relatives

First of all, I am writing off my entire family, including my sister Frau Angela Hitler Hammitszch, and wayward half-brother Alois Hitler, Jr., if he is still alive, and any of his family, whoever they are.  They are to receive nothing whatsoever.  They are not even to receive even one Deutsche Mark.  All of our names start with the letter 'A', but that is where the similarities end.  Forget them.  I disagree with them on a number of issues, and just feel strongly that I do not like them.  It is my intention to cut them out of my will.  They only tried to stifle my creative energy and penchant for giving orders that carry a death sentence for non-compliance.

Secondly, I wish that Frau Eva Braun be well taken care of, and that she will be given all the respect of a widow of a totalitarian leader.  It is not a pretty job.  But, as it was said during the Second Reich, in the old Aryan days, somebody is responsible for making it go down.

Re-considerations

Thirdly, I wish to absolve the Jews of the crimes I had implicated them in committing.  Upon review, I now believe they are not guilty.  I was wrong on the Jew issue.  I have had much time to reconsider my position.  I was thinking that, after all, they are human beings.  Who am I to judge?

This made me rethink the whole final solution.  I now feel it was not a good idea.   All things considered, it was a pretty uncool thing to pull on society.  I imagine that now people will be talking about it for decades.  My name has lost any power that it once had, I see that clearly from the grave.

So, to clear my name, I hereby redact my stance against the Hebrew peoples of the world.  Also any other non-Aryans that might have suffered from my radical approaches. And could you convey my deepest apology for murdering so many millions of them?  Let's all be honest, call it what it is, be real, this was an atrocity.  This was a holocaust.  I am not proud of it and only wish I could do it all over again minus the genocidal scenes that persisted and even got out of control.

Misplaced enthusiasm

As to the Aryan question.  Are we really the "Master Race"?  Absolutely not.  Couldn't be farther from the truth.  I made it up.  I was reaching for stars there.  It is hard to lead people.  Really.  I thought it was easy when I began, but before long, I realized that I was not really capable of leading at all.  Everyone only wants to do what they want to do.  You tell them what to do, and they say, no, I will do it this way on my time.  But you need them to do it THAT way now or everyone dies.  You find you need to raise the specter of draconian institution just to keep the lights on.

I was all ideology and no practical ability.  I could stand there and yell, waving my arms like a windmill, but no substance, no cigar as they say in China.  It was bad, so I cheated a little.  I made up a bunch of stuff to get the sausage rolling again, thinking I had outsmarted all of the people.  I had one in ten randomly murdered once just to keep the SS on their toes.  After that, I had to constantly raise the bar until there was a systematic organization of domestic murder building and gaining steam.  You give people someone to hate and they will surprise you at how well they get the message.

Well, it did not work ultimately.  It is fair to say that it failed miserably.  Historians will no doubt agree with me here.  I really was reckless.  It is easy to see that now.  Looking back, at all the nights I had to decide who to kill, I am appalled.  I was thinking, this is out of control!  How long can this even go on?

Not the best outcome

Don't get me wrong.  It was all very exciting.  I got a kick out of it.  Deep down, I don't really care at all about the people who died or the misery I have caused.  You will not see empathy come out of behind this little mustache.  Let me be clear about that.  But, I am starting to regret my actions because of the impending death that is no doubt weeks away, and not because of any moral implications that the death of sixty million other people worldwide might have caused to the species of mankind.  I frankly am glad to have made such a dent.

I have noticed a few things. The reaction to me is not appealing of late.  People are looking at me funny.  Attitudes have changed.  They still fear me.  They know that at any moment they might be killed at my whim.  Still, there is something that tells me they will go on and I will be the one who is destroyed.  If there is any kind of afterlife, then I am certain to be tormented.  I cannot make a good case now.  It is clear I have offended creation itself, if that is what I am facing.  If nothing is after, then I have, in fact, done a great thing for epitomizing secular evil before its time.  That I affirm Jesus Christ, to the very end, might be my only virtue, for what it's worth.  I hold firm that belief as the only hope my wretched soul deserves.

Current and future musings

No one here in my presence will tell me things are bad.  That is how I know we are doomed.  Everyday they tell me we are about to win.  I know this could not be.  I lied to them to start, lied to them to keep them going, and lied about lying to cover other lies with more lies.  Once this started happening, I could trust no one.  Now I have a set of guinea pigs to taste my food, and believe me, they don't have a good life.  Not that I do not eat the very best, and they should be mostly happy.  However, one in four lunches have 100% arsenic in the beefsteak!  You cannot imagine how many people want me dead.

The rule of the German people is given over to the portly Heinrich Himmler, who is well liked and a funny man with a good sense of humor, which is a commodity I think we will need in the postwar Reich.  [Censored material:  Due to Universal Code Number 34, project GAT, this material is not available in your area.  If you feel this is an error, there is no appeal and you will have to go on and feel indignant or email Michael Moore.]

[Full Disclosure:  The Chronicles of Granny In The Bed was recently acquired by an offshore shell corporation operating behind a blind trust]


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