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This Article: Really Good or a Piece of Shit?

Fundamentalist Christian youths and young adults throughout the world are increasingly more likely to consume unpredictable feces recreationally than ever before in human or animal history.  The dangerous trend has sent shock waves through the evangelical and curmudgeon community, causing concerned parents to email jesus@heaven.org pinging to their servers for an e-miracle.

"We thought we knew everything," said Pastor Spastor Sanderson of Stempe, Sarizona, "I was fairly certain that I had been singled out by God hisself.  Then, I caught the smartest Aryan boy in my guilt class basically setting up a deal to buy a trunk load of high grade baby poo from a Planned Parenthood in Sandinista territory.  I said, wait one minute... maybe I haven't seen everything yet.  Damn."

The children have become increasingly sophisticated in the trade of human-produced solid waste, called dung on the street.  Last week, a missionary bus arriving at Tijuana from Panama City was found by FBI agents to be hollowed out and loaded with over 800 tons of crap.  Shit farms are so leveraged that they can produce this much every 18 seconds, where it would take the city of Cleveland, by way of comparison, exactly 10 years.  Every child on board had to be tased repeatedly, as the use of dung causes almost superhuman determination to ignore pain and people waving "hey you stop it now or I get mad!"

Finicky K-9 units do not register and refuse to be trained to detect high-grade baby mess.  Urinalysis is essentially useless in the fight to detect users.  Police  often employ guesswork and patrol units are trained to use their gut.  This has not been an effective strategy.  Officers are at wit's end trying to muster solutions to an estimated nine trillion dollar poop industry that is only growing stronger everyday.

So powerful is the shit cartel's influence over government that the drug syndicates recently published an open letter spelling out their determination to surrender and leave the area immediately, begging to be given a chance to crawl out of the region by way of their many tunnels.

"I don't trust these guys," said Manual 'El Muro' Mendoza, former drug leader from the south, "they use violence as a tool.  It is not fair how they pushed us out of town.  We were being very polite about it.  It makes me worried about the future if the organization can be thrown out anytime someone is more powerful and feels like being the one calling the shots.  I would ask them to let us please come back and go on with our careers, but it is up to them."

"Don't use dung," reads a flyer passed out to at-risk bible kids, written by Reverend Fuchus, "it isn't good for you.  If someone says, here try this, tell them that you do not wish to have any of it.  Do not take it from anyone.  It is illegal to have in your hand.  You should not take it internally.  It will cause you to think differently about the world and the people in the world, including establishments.  People aren't cool just because they take dung.  That is a big, huge lie.  It may look very cool, I admit, but trust me on this, it is uncool.  Anyone who offers you the dung is not even a friend.

"I want to simplify what I am saying for you because many of you look like you are stupid.  Dung is a bad thing.  Not taking dung is a good thing.  Do not ever take shit!  Do you hear me?  I can't hear you!  I said, Do you hear me?  I still can't hear you!  Are you paying attention, knuckleheads?  Okay, I'm going to try it one more time.  Okay?  Here we go, and I want to hear some pep this time!  I want to hear some gumption in those voices.  Do you hear me?  That is better.

"This isn't reverse psychology.  There is no irony being used, or sarcasm, or parody, or any of the other farcical tools of the liberal media.  This is tough love.  Stop taking shit and if you already don't take it, then don't start taking it.  It is the gateway to drinking pee.  It ruins lives.

"Show of hands, how many of you have every tried dung with your friends?  Be honest now.  You can trust me.  Okay, who has used feces?  Maybe you were out with a new kid you just met and he might have brought some from a mission trip to Bavaria, and he might have asked you if you had ever gotten off on caca, passing you a brown substance.  Who tried it?  Even once?  Okay...  So many hands went up...  Very few of you have not done it.  Okay... You with your hands raised are going to prison now.

"If you ever eat a terd or a stool, you will be ruined.  But, if you already take it, and you decide to quit, God will save you.  You are covered either way.  If you don't, continue to not because you can never stop if you start; if you do, don't continue to because you can stop.  Last time I am going to say this - poo poo is no good for you!"

All we can do is watch and wait, and wait some more.  Tomorrow perhaps we will find something else to waste our time arguing over, but until then, let us focus on something that has no meaning and therefore will not brush coarsely against our sensitive minds.  Let us try to keep human history on track now.  Back like you were.



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