The Chronicles of Granny In The Bed

Startling new information came out today that was not there the day before that.  The headline: The size of the world was calculated and you are not going to believe what that number came up with. First of all, there are countless people to think.  You have Aristophanes, who first coined the term that originally referred to a penis.  Marc Antony once said that all irony is glorious until it happens to you. Who else, you have Celsus who is often confused with the temperature guru.  But, then, you have Foucault.  Don't forget Dickens, who did not introduce anything new, but he just said it in unique ways.  Then, was Queen Victoria involved? Absolutely not, she just had a lake named after her in Africa.  That would be like if Lake Superior were called Lake Dodi Fayed.  Then, you have America.  Don't forget red white blue when the main color is white, and you can say that now at a university and keep your license to kill. However, don't even thin...

There was a prophet who was connected to three other archangels.  The second archangel is now aware that the four were equally spread apart in years.  The fourth and last archangel, the prophet, was born today.  The third prophet needs to know that the third prophet is aware that the second prophet exists.  The second archangel, or archangel 555, has been arrogant for the past two months.  But, then the archangel 555, the second archangel, realized that this arrogance actually has persisted, and is like air she breaths.  Her arrogance led to her repentance.  This is the repentance of the second archangel, for the third archangel to prepare the way for the fourth archangel. "I was arrogant because I am afraid, and all my life I have been afraid of what is to come.  Therefore, I was arrogant.  My arrogance has tipped the iceberg this week, and it is out of control now, like a fire.  The fear that lives in me is the fear that all who b...

Tommy Watkins of Penstaff Fullbright has Gigantic Penis Syndrome ™ , a rare condition that affects more then 2 people somewhere.   Gigantic Penis Syndrome ™ , as the name suggests, causes the penis to grow significantly larger than a watermelon or giant-pumpkin-sized washing machine. “I gotta get a separate house just for my rowdy penis ™ ,” Tommy admits ™ , crying. Watkins’ brother Toemuscle is also a sufferer, although ™  for him the problem ™  is at least 888 ™  times worst ™ . “My penis got its own sewers ™ ,” Toemuscle fell off his chair, emailing for support as a candidate for president, “my testicles, they are true to their name ™ : testy all the time™ .” Doctors ™  are perplexed because they have never been able to isolate an actual case of the disease. “Usually ™ ,” Dr. Stornburn Facklbree of Atkins County Municipal Downhome Hospital explained, “the patient will sever the diseased member and then give it a funeral before the medical sta...

Four humans started out as substance abusers because they did not look on the bright side.  Then, each had an independent emotional block and found it impossible to take it any further.  On that day, the four devoted themselves at once to Krishna, Buddha, Yahweh, Jesus, and Muhammad all while making a serious effort to learn music perfectly so as to impress future generations not born yet.  On that auspicious day, Monday, June 17, 1947, they tattooed and changed their names as they joined in swastika hands. Mouth, Guitar, Bass, and Drums were one of the greatest four-piece ensembles in music history.  You know them as Musicians.  In case you were hacking films in Buenos Aires for the past 20 years from your basement, Musicians is a musical firebrand from Ecuador that has knocked the tube socks off the entire world. Musicians have sold more than a hundred copies of their album Song List which includes the classic Single 26 .  Each copy is hand made and...

Following closely on the heels of Homesick Hitler’s obscure eponymous debut that made 317th place on the Gerkin Charts, Ham Records announced that they were dropping the second album before the seasonal sales rush on August 12. Amid confusion, executives explained the term "dropping" means that the album WILL be available, not that it has been dropped from release.  To clarify, the record will be available for purchase.  I was told to make that point loud and clear for the audience. HH has captured the sound of the Cocteau Twins caught off guard by Sting and The Police all while the state of California, who has elected the Flock of Seagulls as its supreme court, refuses to let anyone have an abortion without a fathers’ consent.  They would later clarify that the father "must also be a man who is born with a male penis who must also possess at least 51% Y Chromosomes". “We figured we’d just go with what we had,” said bassist Willetta Barnfurd, “Plussed Monic...

Do you or someone you love suffer from Mom’s Beard? 25-40% of all young mothers experience some form of post-natal Mom’s Beard.  However, do to stigma, most never report in for treatment.  Then, the problem only worsens. “I was embarrassed that someone would mistake me for a man,” said Diedre Northwinter of Alert, Nunavut in northernmost Canada, “I was afraid I would start earning more unless I did something fast.  However, I heard that the treatment for Mom’s Beard causes worse Mom’s Beard**.  It was one of the most difficult years of my life.” You never want to have to say “I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN WOMBAT PILL,” after it is too late. The tell-tale symptoms of Mom’s Beard go away on their own.  However, super-follicles produced by Mom’s Beard can take as long as 6-months to a year to heal, and the results can leave a mustache.  In that amount of time, your husband may develop irreversible homosexuality if cost-prohibitive steps are not taken. These...

Preamble We are all best friends. Credo stranger, acquaintance, friend, best friend Thoughts We remain all best friends.  No one is less than best friend to anyone else.  We are convinced that is the way that it must be for everything to be right.  If one person is not best friends to anyone one other person, be it anybody else whatsoever, that is a technical foul on planet earth and we, the Society of Best Friends themselves, demand it be cleaned up with transparency, restraint, and accountability. We aren’t going to bow down anymore to the ones who said, look, you can’t all be best friends, that isn’t what we like.  They will say, that is not the way it was before, because before that, they will go on, people were either friends or they were best friends, but there was only one best friend.  They were monoamicus as well as being monotheistic. We are duotheistic, we believe there are exactly no less than two Gods of exactly equal purpose and extr...