The Chronicles of Granny In The Bed

Have you noticed that life is a series of too many coincidences? Did you in fact think of something just like this yesterday? More coincidences, more profound despair. Every time one experiences déjà vu, one withers even more. It is the experience of bouncing too high before having melted wings at the bottom of the Mediterranean Sea. If this describes you, it may be time to panic. Once you have trampled your way to here, you must have traveled to the very end of all things. Too bad for you. I bet you thought it was going to be, what, really nice? As did the moth before being tempted by the glimmer of the tawdry flame. Wasn’t the flame tawdry? Don’t you agree? It was not exactly illuminant, was it? People are all connected. Everyone that you know is involved in an elaborate conspiracy designed to utterly ruin and embarrass you. They hold meetings and elect a historian who documents all of the actions of the committee against you. The records committee has rented ...

There is one thing that is apparent from within this post-apocalyptic train wreck: the machinery is grinding to a stuttering halt. The very depths of souls are leaching into a seething abyss. No one is safe. Everyone is in danger every second of their lives. Death brings a certainty of not being killed but even then there is final judgment looming to tack on the eternal damnation of a fiery nowhere beneath a totalitarian guard tower, what Father Hitchens called "a lash to exalt the lashes". It is no wonder, then, that we nowadays more regularly see such legislation as was introduced Thursday in the Gulag by the serpentine Rev. Guyman Starhound, the Staberterian from Halifax. Under the new bill, boxers are forbidden from using public stairs. Additionally, all stair takers will be required to show paperwork that proves they are not boxers. Slippery dope Starhound, in defense of his position, cited his belief that boxers would hide their credentials, dress in street clo...

Trolls are just lame. In ancient times, Trolls were the guardians of bridges. They had foresight enough to use the structure itself as a shelter, as opposed to erecting a separate shack nearby. From a community perspective, a guardhouse is overkill when you have a Troll family living underneath the span. Back then Trolls were, while not respectable, notably not pathetic. At least you knew where they were coming from. Though oafish wielders of blunt objects, careless wretches in the night, lost dreamers who lived the frontier fringe, they served a useful purpose. In their defense, they only ate the weakest who could not answer their riddles. Even biblical Samson, not a Troll, was prone to that behavior. Fast forward to today. Click pause. Look. Trolls have turned pathetic. With the obsolescence of bridges, they have been driven from their underpasses. They are now spending all their time online. Trolls read everything that is posted, and they comment in their strange tongue, l...

Chris Kyle, top ace killer from yards, has been upgraded to superhero status in an Austin talk-building, with men standing at podiums in ties and very serious attitudes.  To add to the credibility of the event, an agenda was printed out on paper.  The weather outlook was clear and calm.  There was the smell of hot dogs in the crowd and cotton candy was being fisted out two by the dozens.  The scene was complete with upbraided cowboy hats pointing and practically pining towards the speakers on stage. “It was a spectacle,” said Dustin Cambridge, a high school student from Decatur, “everyone was so elated that no one could stop crying long enough to speak.  I was overwhelmed by the amount of touching that was going on, some of which seems to have been taken straight from the play book of Bill Cosby.” Calling Kyle bad names is now considered blasphemy against the High Church of America.  Penalties include mandatory nightcaps spent with Bill "The Clone" Cosb...

In a surprise bold move executives at moxycorp, makers of the popular Colonel Tornado brand blender line, announced Sunday they are eliminating all but one button on their newest design.   According to engineers the uni-button, labeled 'mix', makes it easier for consumers to decide where to stab their dirty fingers when it's time to grind. Courtesy: The Blender Museum, Tornk, Moon Base 19 Several spectators of the event have been diagnosed with acute mental breakdown.  "The extra buttons were a sham," admits Tom Court, design team lead at moxycorp, "we put them there as part of a concerted effort to dupe the masses.  In the 1950's there was this vain need to feel superior and the suits could always bilk the flat-tops, whether it was over a pickup truck or a staple kitchen appliance was scarcely important." Consumers were outraged but docile.  In fact, this article, the de facto white paper on the subject, has never been syndicate...

While we consider our privacy to be a very serious matter, we do not feel the same way about your privacy.   W hile we expect you to be the subject of intense scrutiny as to the details of your vast and complicated data footprint, we have no problem keeping you fully ignorant as to the nature of our enterprise.  "Can you keep secret?... No?.......Why No?" This webspace will store and keep the following categories of personal data automatically: 1.                 Your IP address and geo-location at all times, past, present, and future, including any times that may have occurred prior to the advent of the personal computer or after The Unfortunate Events of 2650.   Because you are reading this, said information has already been collected and your consent has already been confirmed electronically via our remote data servers. 2.                 Your...

Post modern times evoke post modern desperation.  The latest adventure in "time to shock the masses" is as curious as any other dutiful stroke down the leviathan that is the current minute in space-time.  This un-closable jar is called Recursive Music.  Expression    Dimebox Old Time College Redeveloped by engineers at Dimebox College in Selma last summer, Recursive Music exploits algorithms that were discarded by Harvard scientists in 1954.    The events that led the Ivy League quintessential hog-fiends to "destroy the code and all traces of the authors of the code" is an interesting story itself.  Apparently, university administrators at the time decided to pursue more idealistic goals than the model prescribed by the haughty "we will destroy all of existence" statement that was the motto of the project led by Dr. Hiley Boll.  Suppression Boll and his students were...