The Chronicles of Granny In The Bed

A revolutionary manifesto by Jules Trellis First of All Few can argue that the U.S. Constitution is not the worst rag ever painted on with black dots by slave-owning colonists.  It has the worst handwriting and rudest tone.  But perhaps some of the most disgusting aspects of the constitution are its ideas.  Representative government, lets all take a break here, is not working and never has.  Oh, do not crawl into a corner and weep just yet. So you say, while shooting at me every day from now on, that if I do not like the constitution, then what do I like?  They always pose this question - "well, then, what will you do about it?"  They always spout off the "make with the solutions" with a terrible grin and a mean spirit.  I have been kicked in the knee cap on more than a few occasions and was made to be afraid to press charges if that makes any sense or explains what I have been through. The form of government?  I have a whole new approach...

This is God speaking Listen closely I do not have time  to repeat myself Religion is evil All who pray Are going to hell They created Not me All with faith  In lies Are going down The rapture is a cleansing Evangelicals hucksters who  Invented it are only half right All who deal in poison Will be poisoned You should assume  That time will end And never begin again How dare you speak Of eternity How little you know But are aware of Not one in a million Of what is obvious Even to you You are not dust You are a vibration You are music Not fallen But exalted Never be a slave And woe to the Slave trader That not one page In scripture of any kind Condemns human bondage Is an a...

Fundamentalist Christian youths and young adults throughout the world are increasingly more likely to consume unpredictable feces recreationally than ever before in human or animal history.  The dangerous trend has sent shock waves through the evangelical and curmudgeon community, causing concerned parents to email jesus@heaven.org pinging to their servers for an e-miracle. "We thought we knew everything," said Pastor Spastor Sanderson of Stempe, Sarizona, "I was fairly certain that I had been singled out by God hisself.  Then, I caught the smartest Aryan boy in my guilt class basically setting up a deal to buy a trunk load of high grade baby poo from a Planned Parenthood in Sandinista territory.  I said, wait one minute... maybe I haven't seen everything yet.  Damn." The children have become increasingly sophisticated in the trade of human-produced solid waste, called dung on the street.  Last week, a missionary bus arriving at Tijuana from Panama City was...

The following document was found lodged under a file cabinet in Berlin at the exact location where Adolf Hitler was captured on April 30, 1945.  Do to the extreme controversy surrounding this document, it will be housed at an undisclosed location and no one will ever be able to view it.  That will include investigative journalists who are always meddling with history. The document itself is 50 pages long.  We could not find a translator who we could trust, so we used a word-for-word translating program called "Almost Write", invented by our technical consultant B.J. Aardmark.  Aardmark died of mysterious causes shortly after he turned in the final working model of his system.  His family and community disowned him, and anyway, he was not sane so he probably killed himself.  We have word from trusted sources that Aardmark was a Soviet spy in a time when Soviet spying was really a thing.  No one should assume that just because he died mysteriousl...

Awww! Things did not work out the way they were supposed to work out. Awww! Frown, saddy face boo hoo, events did not go as planned! The outcome was not 100% of what it was arranged to be! Oh my word! Oh my God!! This is not fantastic. The rain is in my eyes. After all the planning. After all that planning that was done! Oh lamentations! After all that thought that was put into the process that led to the failure! It was so much. It was worse than anything to see it all burned on a pyre. Planning, planning, planning, next thing, working, then not finishing because of something not working! One or two things, possibly three, were not as they were supposed to be. We did a survey ahead of time, to scout for possible issues related to things causing a failure. Well, come to find out, we missed some of those items on the list. Our pencil must have slighted over the check box without a second thought. Now everything is on the ground. Fire and sparks ...

Most data has been lost from the Postmodern Age.  What digital sources we have are fragments, unmindful p's and q's, altered instagrams, combined with the oppression of 1024-byte hyper-encryption that would take 13.6 billion light years to decode using every universal Turing maching [sic] known to have existed since 1850 AD, including every carpet loom ever devised.  Time friction eliminates the possibility of utilizing a universal Wells machine or the straddling of space time.  This is not something to scoff at, no matter what your political standings might happen to be. Thousands of Ultra Age religious organizations have sprung up who are finding truth in Postmodern and Ancient sources.  When a small amount of truth is found, it is quickly augmented with a mash of Ancient mustard and a few sprigs of Postmodern lettuce that have been lying around, plus a smidgeon of honey from the current Ultra Age that spreads easily, like the sage advice to never trust anyone, ...

By Artur Front Few people disgust me more than Shency Basherdall, the man who so callously ruined the grunge scene forever so that children these days have no idea what Eddie Vedder looks like.  Perhaps what is most disturbing, and has led to many jarring, dreary hours in the death grip of a sweaty nightmare, with Basherdall's face dangling above my bed Wizard of Oz style, gaping, teeth bent, is that Basherdall acts like he is not a bad omen for all of mankind and not even a monstrosity from space when it is so obviously clear that he is just exactly that.  Hanging over my bed, transparent and huge Basherdall's face has an all-knowing stare that shows, on the vanilla wafers that represent his actual brain cells, a stupidity that rivals the former producer of the Bill Hillenberystamp radio program.  This is nonsense compounded to the eighth tetration! Eddie Vedder, god of rock I was able to fool Basherdall, that vile degenerate, into allowing me to interview him ...