The Chronicles of Granny In The Bed

The President of the United States (formerly The Free World) has gone mad.  It is in the newspapers, it is on the television reality shows, it is a tweet – President Barack Obama has lost his mind.  This is not a joke. Sources close to the White House (standing just outside the gates being harassed and openly murdered by Obama’s secret death drone squad) have reported Friday that President Barack Obama can no longer be considered mentally stable for any significant length of time or at all.  They fear that his psychosis has spread beyond his brain, through the oval office, down the pentagram of Washington D.C., to all levels of government and mail carriers.  And it has just been reported five minutes ago that Congress and The Supreme Court have gone in similar fashion, completely off their rockers - babbling on incoherently like some sort of drunken veterans of the Vietnam Police Action. However, these hot-heads are not decorated war heroes.  Instead, they ...

All Dem Capers Based on the novel by Frothy Grilban Choreography by Umpher Rym A newly divorced breeder and door-to-door salesman, Merleandor Comrade (Yelly Scroban), meets up with former furniture repairman and lawnmower collector Fonzi Carmichael (Freelance Chewbaka) who has recently been diagnosed with outer depressive disorder.  Outer depressive disorder is a mental anomaly and antithesis that causes anyone who meets Carmichael to become clinically and morbidly depressed soon after.  The two begin running a letters racket, based off the numbers racket.  They replace the numbers with letters and call it simply “the letters”. When Chives Kandalabrah (Shelly Vim) goes up against hot boxer Go Brillowitz (Lomp Cockstern) in a battle to see who would get in line first on Black Friday to purchase a robot that roves the ceiling in search of dust bunnies known as “the trainspotter” for €89.999, their plans are thwarted when newcomer optometrists in overcoats Walter and ...

Moratorium For The Boratorium Written and Directed by Phil Therschaut In 1620's Tora Bora, when 99½-year-old cow poacher Sarik Bengabariq (Slando Phonbhot) is politely asked by well-meaning townspeople (Jerstand Box, Calandra Sue Yimbifity, and Borstap Conway) to leave town because he is too messy, all hell breaks loose after local sitar player Vikota Al-fazad (Margery Hathaway-Bonkers) later accuses Sarik of shaming her favorite horn and antler importer Schlepper Schmendrick (Santana Fortytrees) in a bar fight that lasts most of a Tuesday evening, over a counter top made of Argentinian bullhorn. Meanwhile, the town is suffering a crisis.  Everywhere, people are playing the apple gourd, a hollowed out percussive instrument that has become such a nuisance, local cattle are slowly drowning themselves. At a vote of the Tora Bora City Council, led by Mayor Dux Qirebirk (Manny Del Vecio), it is determined that apple gourds are not a proper instrument for cosmopolitan city dwel...

Ardently Grappling Schnorvil Directed by Matilda Bagpipes After fourth chair violinist Schnorvil McBetrest (Frans Pasckenheist) is thrown out of the New York Philharmonic Orchestra by new conductor Sargent Paul Varnish (April Langswell) for knocking over child prodigy Bogues Henry (Gird Villanova) with his violin case, Schnorvil is led on a series of misadventures through the Australian outback, many of which involve drugs and include multiple atrocities involving innocent aborigines (played by Shil Berham, Angalina Staplegun, Gori Bash, Trilamp Garland, and Milzi Pympe-Deville), before returning to New York with a fresh attitude and vicious playing style that rivals the very best musicians the world has ever seen.  Many who hear Schnorvil play at this time fall into a trance and weep begging for more. That is when Schnorvil meets Watusi Endeavors (Marilyn Streece), a key agent for Shalango Middle Class Records.  She offers Schnorvil top billing at Club Get Down, a local...

1.     Whoever is without praising is the one who is hiding its raising. 2.     She who shit her purse is the one whose wind has cursed. 3.     The man who looked innocent threw a terd not finished yet. 4.     The doctor who denied it is the one whose sphincter invited it. 5.     The teacher who's acting mean is the one who's made the room unclean. 6.     The policeman who reads its rights is the one who flew the brownie's kites. 7.     Whomever tries to act not responsible is, in fact, the one who is probably did it. 8.     One will fart and pretend not to have done so, often. 9.     Whoever broke the wind is in trouble, its a sin. 10.   Try not to do that often, or your marble balls will soften. 11.   It is never socially acceptable to expel flatulence on a gathering of people. 12.   There is no situation in which that is okay. 13.   Break not that unless you're g...

"Greetings be to you, Thelma dear," said Uncle Elmer, having just arrived, persuaded by others in the family as Aunt Thelma was crying viciously, moaning, stumbling around aimlessly in her apartment, and muttering nonsense to the point that neighbors were offended. "Oh Elmer, my brother!" exclaimed Aunt Thelma, "Oh!  Lord help us all, Amen praise be, the glory be tomorrow, I am so sad right now.  Lamentations to the Lord!  I have just heard the most awful news of my life.  Oh, why, oh why, oh why, oh why why why?  Tell me why, that's all." "There, there," said Uncle Elmer, with a soft eye and warm shoulder rub, "I'm so sorry to hear that, Thelma, daughter of my mother and father, you poor dear.  We live in a time of strife.  You know the Lord tests the elect and puts obstacles in the way of the remnant.  You gotta be strong.  It's all it is.  You know I be there to help you anytime, Miss Thelma you my best sister.  You gotta...

By guest author Benjamin J. I failed computer science because I refused to waste disk space with adequate comments in my assignments. Professor Standwish said that code is written for people, not computers. Can you believe the nerve of this wrinkle-nosed artifact? This is a man who wears western shirts and bolo ties as formal attire. Of course code is not written for people. It goes in a computer, genius. I was the first one to ever challenge the renowned doctor on this issue. I alone bear that distinguishing mark. Like Sam Kinison taught me, I always speak my mind even when it is not popular and especially when others are made to feel uncomfortable (I was born after Kinison died). Standwish was livid. He actually called my father on a busy Monday to inform him how I had not done my assignments properly and that my behavior in class meant I would not be, in fact, the next Steve Jobs. He said I would only get an F and I could not buy my way out of it. All because I am still technically...