The Chronicles of Granny In The Bed

Hedgefont's Reverse Pyramid of Power  0.  Personal bondage and dependence  1.  Personal liberty and control  2.  Nationalized collective power organization  3.  Nationalized authoritarian power consolidation  4.  Planetary rule, one government, one tongue, one currency  5.  Galaxy rule, one god  6.  Universal rule, omnipotence (mother of god)  7.  Infinite Omnipotence (IO)  8.  Being everything cyclically  9.  Moving freely in non-linear time 10.  Micro control of every occurance 11.  Subliminal control of all thoughts in the multiverse 12.  Professed universal dominance of all time and space (PUDOATS) 13.  [Known only to level 12]

A herd of cowboy hats in a Cadillac convertible with Bull horns on the hood drive up shooting shotguns in the air, and screaming "whiskey whiskey whiskey!!!" Chug their bottles and throw them violently in the driveway, pissed, shooting the broken glass. "Fuck you goddamn Yankee piece of shit bourbon!" "How do you like me now?" "Not at all." "Everything bigger in this here place." "You know what ain't bigger ?" "Nope.  Couldn't be anything in Texas." "The minds, Harold, the minds." "What a god awful thing to say.  Sumbitch.  Remember the Alamo." "Remember that the earth is more than 6000 years old.  Teach it to your babies, Harry you goddamn lightweight."

Renowned Actor Breaks Fifth Wall Alfred Hitchcock secretly intimated to Raymond Burr, in 1945, before the two met, that the one "last obstacle before the endgame is, and has always been, through the fifth wall."  Rod Serling was more direct, telling Norman Mailer, in an unpublished interview conducted by Jack Rubenstein at a Dallas night club in 1958 that he believed that the fifth wall was something that would never be discovered, but added that was only because it could not be imagined. Occultist Aleister Crowley intimated to Ogden Nash that the only way the one chosen to break the fifth wall could fail was by trying to succeed at it.  Gene Roddenberry and George Lucas have signed a joint statement that is legal and binding.  The main point of the document - that the fifth wall was sacred and unpublishable.  Both agreed that neither of them would break it without notifying the other at least 30 days prior. "It really is this sort of, if you will, seal ...

Front Entry You are standing outside the front of a door.  On a table, nearby, sits a glass of clear liquid upon a golden saucer.   Your lips are parched. >inspect liquid [in glass, after taking glass] Taken The liquid is odorless, colorless, and has a specific weight of 1. Your tongue is dry. >examine saucer There is nothing interesting about the golden saucer. >inventory You are holding, in your hand, a glass containing a clear substance that resembles water.  You are wearing a wristwatch.  Your purse (unopened) contains an unopened envelope and a tiny lady. Your throat feels like sandpaper. >ask lady in the purse about glass of water You don't see the lady in the purse! >open purse Opening your purse reveals, besides the ordinary fare, an unopened envelope and a tiny lady. "What do you want now?!" Screams the lady, "you're letting the cold air in." Your starting to dehydrate ...

Today's Birthday:  The sun is in the sky today, except at night.  The moon will probably be out at night unless the ceiling gets in the way as usual.  Well, you're a year older.  If you are very old, then that means you will probably not be alive more than 100 more years, but if you're young, you may have over 100 more years to live.  So, use it wisely.  You will work your job, for awhile, then your pension will be stolen and you'll be homeless.  Your family will disown you and the world will forget you ever existed.  That may happen sometime later.  You are the underdog, the maverick.  It is time to take guns to work, and show those bosses just how much you mean to them.  Either way, you will be taken care of after unless you kill less than a billion people. ARIES (March 21-April 19) You've been sitting around too long.  It is time to do something with your life, and not any of that nonsense you've been doing.  Listen,...

You’re talking to me But I was on Sputnik You waste of skin. The Onion By Robert Or William Culbin. No one is sure who penned the verse, but Robert was perhaps the least likely, as it was noted by George First: “I knew Robert,” said George, shaking his head, “he seemed too stupid for a poet. I remember, I asked him, whataya think’s going to happen with this McCarthy fellow? Robert shot me so fast, to this day I don’t mention communism without waving the Confederate flag like mad.” Still, the doubt lingers, as Carvel Ponders stated in her autobiography, Shambles: From the Greenways to the Red Stops . “Relatively speaking,” says the aging sexpot, “Robert was the poet. William was the younger brother, remember. They were only two years apart, but Robert was the leader. He called the shots. William wasn’t endowed with that raw energy that was so much the trait of Robert. His belt was always on crooked. Robert would stop and fix it for him.” “William didn’t have traits except ...

The following articles may seem like coincidences, but, upon close inspection, it is revealed quite clearly that they are anything but.  It is further mostly a fact that most of them are, in fact, not factual by any stretch of the meaning of the term.  We present them for your readership in the usual fashion, following a colon, to wit:      Jesus was born at night in a barn to Mary in Bethlehem.  Nero was born at dawn in a house to Agrippina in Antium.      When Jesus was born, it was said “this is the anointed one who is born of Mary and Joseph.” When Nero was born, it was said “That nothing but what was detestable, and pernicious to the public, could ever be produced of Domitus and Agrippina.”      When Jesus was born head first, three Kings attended his birthplace, and brought three gifts that they delivered to the parents: frankincense, myrrh, and gold.  Afterward, they left sober and were never heard from again. ...